WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

Thanks for dropping by in my thread to offer your insight. It breaks my heart everytime I recount how awful I was in not giving my wife myself and my heart as I was so focused on giving her things. When she would complain, I would trivialize it in my mind that she had every THING that she needs, why is she asking for this other stuff. It wasn't important in my mind (the quality time, the emotional bonding/connecting, etc). I didn't take have the time to see how important it was to her because I was so busy taking care of the THINGS and working so I can provide the THINGS. So along the way, I completely forgot about the person I was providing the THINGS for. Very sad as I look back at and want nothing more than another chance. I have asked/begged/pleaded for it in the beginning. Then I started DB'ing because, as many people here point out, begging/pleading doesn't work.

I didn't read what her father or sister did but I can tell you I've been resentful and unforgiving in the past myself.

Was your wife an abuse survivor in any way? Mental, emotional etc?

I was abused in every way possible growing up. My mother was a narcassist so I was taught at an early age that everything was always about her. I learned to caretake to her and to think my needs were unimportant.

I'm so sorry to hear about your abusive past, growing up and in marriage. That must have been horrible to live through and deal with.

My wife's hurt from her dad was that he cheated her her mom when he was 7. Her mom took her back and he cheated again. This happened 3 times in less than a year until he finally left for good.

My wife's hurt from her sister was how she always put her down and made her feel less important. The big hurt that my wife told me about was how her sister invited her to go skiing with her and her friends. When they got to the ski resort, they went off by and left her by herself (ignored her). This happened sophmore year in HS and she hasn't trusted her sister since.

I do think she wants to keep you around to meet her emotional needs- she doesn't want to meet yours- but she wants to keep you on the backburner to meet her needs in some way- which is why she is continuing to call you etc.

My therapist (who was our marriage counselor) also said this to me, as well as others on this board. There seems to be a general consensus that if she finds someone else, or someone else starts paying attention to her, she will stop and I will be left out in the cold (again).

Going dark wouldn't have worked with me either- because that would have played in to "He doesn't really love me".

What would have worked for me was apologizing sincerely for what he had done and ask for my forgiveness. What would have worked is him treating me with kindness other than anger and in my sitch I would have loved to have heard "It doesn't matter what you've done- come home and work on our marriage- I forgive you"

Then again, I had an affair so that part may not apply to you.

Is there any sign of infidelity? Because in what I've seen before women do not usually move out until they've got someone else lined up???

I'm fairly certain there isn't anyone else, but can not be 100% certain. I did ask her when she hit me with the bomb as I told her that she had made so many changes (i.e. lost weight, changed hair color/style, dressed differently, sex toys/lingere, etc) 2 years before the bomb I was wondering why. She got really mad and told me that if I wanted to know who she was making the changes for I should look in the mirror. She said she had been trying to get my attention. It made me cry - both for how stupid/blind I was and how hurt it must have made her feel.

I had appologized numerous times and asked for forgivness to the point where she even said I need to stop appologizing. She had even said that she forgave me, but can't forget so that she can't see feeling for me like a wife should feel for a husband.

I believe that she ultimately moved out because she couldn't contine to have the person who hurt her so badly right in front of her all the time. She said she needed time and space to heal. Unfortunately, she's not getting any help to do that and I don't think she has the skill/strength to do it herself.

So I'm in this horrible situation and my 2 boys are bouncing back and forth from our two places. I'm working on me to grow as a person so I will not make the same mistakes. I had tried Dark/Dim but saw that, as you pointed out, it seemed to just reinforce that she felt that I didn't love her. So know I'm going to try and be her friend. I don't want to be her friend as I love her and want he to be my wife. She doesn't want that. I had been struggling with do I have the strenght and self confidence to love her enough so I can be a friend.

Because as a friend, they would want what you had posted as well: "What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me. " - Bet you didn't think how powerful these sentences would be when you posted them. They are exactly the 2x4's many of us need.

Thanks again for your support and insight.