d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Why am I having such anxiety attacks !!! I kept hoping that my H would reconsider this Divorce. I have really tried DB'ing but it seems to no avail.

I admit I listen to him alot more than I ever have in the past. He treats me like his Buddy. I want to be his friend, but I also want to be his wife.

I made an error in judgement on June 1, (the evening after my last post) My H and I were texting each other. (he started it) It was just short, friendly ones. I thanked him for helping me out on sunday outside with burning. Like always he says no problem. I try to give him all the credit, how he is a working machine and I envy him for not getting tired. How he did such a good job taking care of us. (meant when he was living there). I also told him that I've realized that it is alot of hard work to take care of our animals, lawn work, etc, and not sure how he did it. ( I was trying to make him feel better). He comes back with, Yea it was hard when I had to do it all by myself. I said, I'm sorry for that but remember our D4 was small and was just a handful then or weather was to bad to take her out. But now I think we 3 work well together. He just said I know but too late.

Some short texts later, he asked if he could come over to snuggle with me. I almost fell over, I was shaking and sick to my stomach. Then I did what I always said I wouldn't do. I told him that would be nice if he wanted to snuggle with me. He came over 45 minutes later. He wanted to snuggle in our bed, I said ok. Well I had to let the dog out and check on D4. When I was done he was already in the bed with covers up to his chin.(said he was cold) I laid on top of the covers and he held his arm out so I could lay my head on his arm. He didn't really want to talk, and he never tried anything either. I did kiss him on the cheek. He started snoring big time, (which I never liked) now it was welcomed. I fell asleep still laying on his arm, with alot of thoughts going thru my mind. I just wanted to savor the short time left together. Almost like he was saying goodbye to me.

Woke up in the am, he was still there. Weird, I woke him at 5am and told him he had to get up for work. He asked for a soda to take to work, then he hugged me and left. He texted me later that morning, I told him thanks for snuggling with me. His typical, no problem. I told him it was nice waking up with him again. I asked him how he felt about that (I know, I was foolish to ask), he texted - different. That was the last time I heard from him tuesday am. He usually asks how D4 day went, but nothing. I foolishly tried to text him twice, tuesday pm but he never answered.

I feel really guilty about it, but proud of myself for snuggling only. I'm sure more could have happened but me thinking of his stripper friend, scared me away from anything other than snuggling.

I feel like I'm at square one. I shouldn't have allowed him to sleep there, because it reminds me of a one night stand. I also think he's not texting because he's afraid to.

Well, I'm very confused. With D set for June 29 (his choice) it's anyones guess as what is going on his mind.