I do not remember what your spiritual position is, but if you do not mind Christian perspective, I recommend picking up Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. It talks about what God's plan is for us as women and how He views us. I walked away from my first reading with new insight and am reading it again. In addition, I am reading a book by her husband called Wild at Heart, which is the male perspective book.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I have always been open. Gone to christian church, mormon church, Jewish temple, Self Realization etc.
The essence is the same to me. I doubt anyone will ever convince me that they have found THE one religion that is the right one...and I just don't think the higher power is a human-like entity that thinks and cares about mundane issues and my little life. However, I think there is a rhyme and reason, more of a science/spiritual matrix. And I can't imagine we would be endowed with these emotions and the will to live if there weren't some higher purpose. Enough about my spiritual beliefs.
It doesn't really matter the messenger to me, it is the message.
I've been wondering if all of this philosophizing is just wheel spinning and crazy making. But, today has been much better! I think for now and maybe for a long time, I have to really be conscious of which parts of me I am motivated by. That is just what it will take for a new more functional me to become second nature. It is hard to be so self-conscious and mindful but I just don't see any other way. It is too easy, too alluring and really too fun in a way to just let it all hang out, purge, go off half-cocked but, the aftermath is miserable. I pride myself on having no skeletons, being an open book, but that is just so unnerving for some people. And, yes, since I want to come from a place of considering other people's feelings and experiences, I can adapt and show a little restraint. Funny, there are so many ways to look at it. It is always fun and exciting to watch those who just go off and let it all hang out but they also tend to be alienating and lonely people.
I don't know, just watching myself and my interactions and seeing what results I get. I know that I want to be softer and receive that in return. I want peace. So, I need to give that.
Ok. So when the challengee is ready, the challenge will come. H just informed me via IM, that his dad is marrying his gf (who is a few years older than H). H's dad has already left two wives with children and did major damage to the women and the children. I have sh*t bricks (I mean almost literally) in the past when the topic of him having more kids has come up. Now, they are marrying and she will try to have a baby. I have absolutely 180'd on this and though the feelings are percolating, I just am not judging. And H just can't make sense of it. Probably thought I'd go apesh*t. She knows what she is doing and so does H's dad. If they want to go that route, so be it. I used to wig out that my kids would have an aunt or uncle so much younger than them or that they would be so impacted by having a Grandfather that is a father and a terrible one at that. But now that I am accepting their dad will not exactly be the model I hoped he would, I guess the GF seems like a distant and small fish.
I can tell H is befuddled. He really expected me to freak, set up the conversation with anticipation. I love that I am not so predictable anymore. And I like letting go.
Ok, after that convo he asked if there is anything else I need to tell him before he crashes.
I said "good night...morning...dawn...whatever it is. sleep well."
He said "Guess not. HA. good night." (I think that is a little odd)
I asked "was I supposed to tell you something?"
he said "that's what I was asking."
I said "I'm lost"
He asked "in general"
I said "Oh no, not at all!"
blah blah blah...
it was a little odd...
A few things came to mind "I love you," "I miss you." "You're such a super talented MF and you have a giant ****." Things I would have said in the past. LOL. But now, what am I supposed to say other than good night?
He really expected me to freak, set up the conversation with anticipation. I love that I am not so predictable anymore. And I like letting go.
Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!
Honestly, I keep waiting for the wave of flip out emotions and they just aren't coming. Differentiating. I need to do it so my kids can to. Trust me, this is one f'd up mothrf*cker trying to breed again but I just feel so removed from it...and normally, i'd be panicked and spouting off about it to my family and whomever but I just don't even feel like it is my business.
