if I were to answer: "Some friends," she would press the issue.
Boundaries.
"Hey hon -- back when you were my wife, that was just the kind of thing you had a right to know."
Ah, easier said than done, as it involves moving deeply into that gray area... She is at one end of the scale "we're psychologically separated", and I'm at the other... "well, okay, but we are still married," so in that paradigm, it's hard for me not to be truthful... What is "blocking" me from answering that way, I think, is "feeling" that it means I accept her premise... Which, perhaps I have to...
A&K, there is a significant double-standard in our sitch, not just with respect to this matter, but others; pre-bomb, I typically would not have pressed her (though that streak was broken when affair(s) came to light and when any resistance was no longer seen as a need for privacy, but rather a possible cover-up). We never got to the stage of full-transparency and non-contact to see we could get back to a place of normalcy where each of us could honor each other's need for some privacy.
Ok, Smileys is too much for your sitch IMO. Although, you never know. I once referred to "when we were married" with H and he said what do you mean "were married?" WTF??? Anyway, I think you should just do it. Start going out. When she asks where you are going, tell her "out with some friends" and leave immediately. If she calls, don't answer. If she grills you later. "You know, I don't really know everything you are doing and that is ok but I kind of want to have a little space myself too." This is all contingent upon you being ready. Stop being afraid. You said you don't have transparency anyway. So acknowledge that. There is only a double standard if you make one.
I don't know your sitch well enough and I am frankly too much of a mess myself to be directing anyone but, what is your impression of your R? Is W doing her own thing? If so, "Ok W, I get it and I will respect that and I am going to do my own thing as well."
You have a "need for privacy" now. IMO.
Seriously though, this is just IMO. And, as a woman, I'm telling you, I doubt she will respect you if you don't GAL. However, don't go apesh*t with it. Don't do the Fonzy thing. Don't be provocative. Just live. And, be your super awesome best listening attentive self when you are in her company and then back to all of those things you have to do. We are all in this and know how and why it feels scary to detach. I've been flailing for months. But, bit by bit.
And, I think I have done WAY better than I gave myself credit for looking back at how quickly I started to GAL and set boundaries post-bomb. The WAS will sometimes F with that, probe, taunt, intimidate etc. but, you can do it.
