WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

This is not a put-down. You are getting the DB script, the ideas, and putting them into play. But, it takes a long time to go from understanding and doing them to making them a part of you. Again, not a put-down, just a fact.

Wifey,

Thanks for taking the time to read all the posts - I know how much time that must have taken ;-) I'm always amazed when I reread my threads how long my posts are. They don't seem that long when I post them. No worries about your feedback. I recognize that people do not take the time and energy to offer feedback as putdowns. I take them as valuable feedback and and cherish the fact that people take their valuable time to do so. Only people who care would do such things.

I do acknowledge that I wouldn't have made these changes if it wasn't for my wife dropping the bomb on me, but I am making my changes for me. I really do not liked the person that I was that caused so much heart ache for my wife, for me and my boys. I had stopped enjoying life and was living for the sake of living and dragging the family with me along that road. I had really shut myself off from my wife and friends. That's the biggest part of my 180. To enjoy life, not just live it. To enjoy the moments/experiences/journey, not just the destination. To focus on the people around me, not just the things.

As you read in the posts, I was so focused on the things/destination, that I completely shut out all the people around. This made my wife feel isolated, unlovable, unrespected and unimportant as I was more concerned about getting there or the thing than who was there to share it with me.

I am making these changes to be a better person for me and to be a better father. Do I expect that it will make me a better husband as well? Yes. Do I want and hope it is as the husband to my wife? Yes. Do I expect that if I do those things that I will achieve that goal? No. I hope and want it, but I really do not expect it.

Does that make me any less committed to saving my marriage or my changes? I don't believe so. I am committed to my changes because I do not like the person I was nor the way I lived before. My wife was right, she had challenged me everytime in the past where I said I was happy, I loved her and I do not understand why we were going to counseling. She would always challenge that that I was not happy. We would then argue about that. Never getting to any resolution or moving forward. I see I wasn't happy. I was comfortable and felt safe and secure. That is not happiness. I had thought by making my wife feel comfortable, safe and secure by giving her things, she would be happy. I was wrong.

So my 180/changes are really to make me happy and those around me. That includes my boys and if it includes my wife, even better. You are right though, it does take a lot of time to make sure them truly part of me. I do slip up at times/often. Difference now, which is why I post so often, is that I do look back and see them. I try to learn from them and keep them burned in my mind as reminder for the next situation.

Nothing happens without hope and 100% commitment. It is a huge risk to walk the rails of the roller coaster and risk the greatest hurt you've ever felt rolling over you, sometimes over and over.

A hunch tells me you are man enough to live in the grey zone vs the B&W zone.

Now for the nuance, you are 100% committed, but the W doesn't know it. She assumes you are already moving on. You will be the calm in the storm for her. She won't know about your commitment to your M and her.

I actually had to reread this several times and I'm still not sure, as a DAM, that I get it.

I couldn't imagine that my wife doesn't think that I am 100% committed to saving the marriage. She had thought when she felt that I stopped loving her that I gave up on the marriage, which is what drove this heartbreaking decision of hers.

What makes you think that she assumes I'm already moving on? How do you think I should get her to know about my commitment to her and our marriage?

So I guess the answer to you question "Can you get the nuance and DB, while being realistic it may not work, and still be that committed?" - no I don't think I get it.

Please be gentle with your 2x4's :-o