Then you have a great chance to make yourself better and show her that you understand. If you were as bad as you make you sound and she stayed with you for so long then I would say you have a great chance of making changes and her noticing!
But just keep in mind that we can't go back and change things in the past. I use to be one of those people that would lose a game (football) and relive it in my mind hundreds of times. Always thinking, "man if we would have just done this or that". I finally realized there wasn't anything I could do there except relive somehting I couldn't change.
You have a wonderful opportunity to change something you now realize you don't like. Your wife may not benefit but your kids will be better people for it. They will get a better life and that is a good thing. Right?
Then you have a great chance to make yourself better and show her that you understand. If you were as bad as you make you sound and she stayed with you for so long then I would say you have a great chance of making changes and her noticing!
But just keep in mind that we can't go back and change things in the past. I use to be one of those people that would lose a game (football) and relive it in my mind hundreds of times. Always thinking, "man if we would have just done this or that". I finally realized there wasn't anything I could do there except relive somehting I couldn't change.
You have a wonderful opportunity to change something you now realize you don't like. Your wife may not benefit but your kids will be better people for it. They will get a better life and that is a good thing. Right?
Hey Kenn.
I am making myself better. But I'm not doing it to show her anything...I'm doing it because it needed to be done. I do hope she'll notice at some point though.
I know I can't change the past. I just regret what I've done, and I regret not knowing then what I know now. I can only learn from it, and use that knowledge to make the present and the future more fruitful.
I agree. I am changing something that I realize was bad. Who knows? Our kids will benefit for sure, and so will I.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
antlers presents Wisdom, as slightly edited by Mr. Smiley's Person:
I am making myself better not to show her anything but because it needed to be done. I can learn from the past to make the present and the future more fruitful. Our kids will benefit and so will I.
GOLD
Pure gold. Keyboard it up, print it out, fold it up, carry it with you everywhere you go.
I am with you Antlers there. May sound sad but I know at some point in the future I want to be with someone again (her or someone else). And I do not want to repeat the mistakes of the past...so I have to make sure I recognize them now.
And hope I don't make a whole other set of mistakes later.
She was special but sometimes I wonder if this wasn't enevitable. I don't like some of the things I let slip up on us but I also look back and don't see a whole lot of places where she stepped in to fix anything either.
So I focus on me and what I can fix or change about myself...because the one thing that she said that rings painfully true is that I am not the same guy I use to be. Some of that had to happen. You don't stay the same crazy fly by the seat of your pants person once you have kids... but the pendulum swung way too far to the other side for me to like it.
if you know what I mean. And yes I feel the same way you do and totally feel your frustration in the "day late dollar short" story line.
antlers presents Wisdom, as slightly edited by Mr. Smiley's Person:
I am making myself better not to show her anything but because it needed to be done. I can learn from the past to make the present and the future more fruitful. Our kids will benefit and so will I.
GOLD
Pure gold. Keyboard it up, print it out, fold it up, carry it with you everywhere you go.
Glad you liked it SP. I'm keeping up with you too. It ain't over for either of us.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I am with you Antlers there. May sound sad but I know at some point in the future I want to be with someone again (her or someone else). And I do not want to repeat the mistakes of the past...so I have to make sure I recognize them now.
And hope I don't make a whole other set of mistakes later.
She was special but sometimes I wonder if this wasn't enevitable. I don't like some of the things I let slip up on us but I also look back and don't see a whole lot of places where she stepped in to fix anything either.
So I focus on me and what I can fix or change about myself...because the one thing that she said that rings painfully true is that I am not the same guy I use to be. Some of that had to happen. You don't stay the same crazy fly by the seat of your pants person once you have kids... but the pendulum swung way too far to the other side for me to like it.
if you know what I mean. And yes I feel the same way you do and totally feel your frustration in the "day late dollar short" story line.
we can only do our best..
Hi Kenn.
We're learning and we're getting better. I want to be with her too. If not, then maybe someone else on down the line.
I think we've learned, and I don't think we'll be making any real big mistakes anymore. Little ones maybe...but not the caliber that we've made in the past.
Mine was special too.
Focusing on ourselves and fixing us is all we can do!
Yeah...
We're doing our best now. We can't change the past. We can only apologize, try to make amends, try to learn from our mistakes, and resolve to never be that way again.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I was a WAW in my first marriage and I had an affair. We ended up divorced but I thought I might could give you a perspective on how your spouse probably feels in ways. Of course I cannot speak for every WAW- just telling you how I felt.
My marriage had been neglectful for several years. My H had gone from romantic and loving towards me to only wanting to talk nicely to me when he wanted to have sex. I kept myself up, met his emotional needs (according to him) and talked to him about the issues I thought we had in the marriage.
He was out of town almost all the time pursuing hobbies-on top of a pretty demanding job. It left me all the responsibility. I was the cook, the babysitter, the accountant, the maid and then met his need for sex when he needed it. I paid all the bills through periods of time when he spent recklessly and all of that stress was on me. We could never get away because we couldn't afford a sitter and family was either ill or too busy to help. If I wanted to make plans with him I had to schedule it months in advance because he'd have all the weekends booked up with his hobbies. I'm sure yes that it was hobbies and not OW.
I got pregnant with my second child and there were alot of complications. I couldn't count on him to help out even when I was on bedrest. He acted like a complete jerk like he was unable to take care of our son and the house and work. HELLO?? What have I been doing for the last five years?
All of this builds up incredible incredible resentment.
I went to him, time after time, and asked for counseling- and he refused every time. I brought home books he didn't read. Left articles on his desk which I found in the garbage. I would ask for change and for him to begin to meet my needs. He would promise and do okay for a week or so but then he'd be back to his selfish self.
He was out of town 40 out of the last 52 weekends we were married. Pursuing hobbies. I finally went to him and point blank said "I will either leave you or have an affair if you don't start staying home and working on our marriage" His answer "I just don't have time to work on our marriage".
I wasn't really planning on having an affair but along comes OM. Who's flattering me and wooing me like I hadn't been in years. And yes, I fell. I'm not proud of it and I shouldn't have done it and in no way and I justifying my actions. No matter how he treated me I shouldn't have had an affair- I should have left.
So, he had promised 15 or more times he would change and didn't. I had told him exactly how I felt. And I'm helpless. I'm yearning for love from him and he won't give it to me.
Yet, when I told him I wanted a divorce?? SHOCK, TEARS. "what do you mean you want a divorce?"
After years and years of him not meeting my needs and me telling him exactly what I wanted out of the marriage he was still shocked that I was leaving him. He promised change. But I knew from his past pattern he wouldn't change- he never had.
It was too late for me. Too much resentment and anger had built up to the point that I was pretty much disgusted.
I left him- but not for OM because that had been over for a while before I told him I wanted a divorce.
And, you know what? He's remarried now and he still hasn't changed. Treats this one almost just like he did me.
For the WAW in my case I had wanted for years for him to love me. Yet all of his actions said he didn't. Sure he went to work everyday and didn't beat me- but was that all I really wanted from life? Exhaustion, little help, financial stress and feeling like he only wanted me for my body? The toll it begins to take on you is hard to describe. I cried almost everyday for a long time on the way home because I wanted to feel loved by another person. And I was miserable. He never noticed.
I know that some of your wives never came out and told you the things they wanted - but I did.
So, why couldn't I have given him a 16th chance?? Didn't have it in me. Just couldn't put myself through another chance when I knew he wouldn't change.
Ouch, that is tough to read because I know that my WAW has many of those same thoughts. What if you then H had started doing the DB stuff, if you would have seen change in him? Would you have maybe given that 16th chance?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Read all of the WA posts. They will help you tremendously and help you keep on the DB road. They WA's have helped me so much.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
To be honest, I haven't read alot of the DB materials so I can't be sure.
GAL- which I assume is getting a life- well he was already gone enough so that wouldn't have worked on me at all.
What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me.
I came here just primarily to help men who might need my perspective.
