Here is the final letter (besides email) that I wrote to my W and it may give you some ideas...
Nui,
The time has come to make the decision of whether to finish getting a divorce. If you cannot say that you will try to come back and be my loving wife, I will be preparing the financial papers again this weekend and get them to my lawyer next week so he can prepare a divorce agreement offer. I have been more than patient waiting for you to figure out if you will return to our marriage. It seems that many times you have other excuses for not focusing on our marriage situation and it makes me feel like a person hanging in limbo with no idea of his future. I hope you can understand it from my side.
You know where I stand, and that is for marriage and family. I want the loving wife I promised to spend the rest of my life with back. I want our kids to grow up under the guidance and example of two loving parents. My wife and children's happiness have always been my number one priority. It hurts me to know that maybe there was something wrong with me that caused you to go outside the sanctity of our marriage and seek the attention of other men in the nightclubs and to be living in the house of another man for the last 5 months. Maybe it was not me, but you; however I still wonder if there was anything I could have done different to not have had this happen.
I have not seen much from you showing that you want to try and make our marriage work. You say you don't know if you can change - what that means to me is that you don't want to change. Anyone can change if they want to. A good marriage takes work, commitment and flexibility from both a husband and a wife to keep the love alive. I have always been willing to do all I can to fix any faults or improve on any conflicts we may have. I have a vision of a future where both of us develop a stronger love for one another, but I know that will only come with dedicated work from you and from me. We both can't just snap our fingers and be back to where we were the day we got married. I do believe that in time we can get our love for one another to a higher level than what we had when we first got married.
Another thing you have mentioned recently is that you think I am too strong and would be too demanding or take advantage of you or ignore your requests if you came back. I suspect you got this idea from Aey, who is a good and well meaning friend, but maybe not the best person to get relationship advice from considering how many failed relationships she has had. Maybe she has seen something before in another relationship where the left behind spouse was a jerk when they tried to rebuild the marriage. I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I am an easygoing guy that would not take advantage of anyone, much less my own wife. If our marriage were to be restored, your happiness is as important to me as my own and I would want to do all I could so as to not make you feel trapped by restraints in our marriage.
I think if you have concerns about our marriage not working out if you came back, a counselor would be a much better person to discuss these things with. Personal counseling is something I think would be good for you along with marriage counseling for both of us so as to rebuild a marriage back to something that is much better than before.
I can't beg and plead for you to come back. That makes me appear weak and needy. I don't need you to live my life happily; however, I want you as my loving wife because I know we are so good together. There are no magic words I can say that will bring you back to me. You have to want me and our family life. Only you can truly make yourself happy
You seem like a lost person right now as you don't seem to know what you want out of your life or how to go about doing it. I have always hoped that something would snap in your mind and you would finally come to the conclusion that what we had as a couple and family together was so very special. Think seriously about your direction in life. I have thought a lot about my family, my self and what our life together could be. I know we can achieve great success as a family together.
If we get divorced, it is not only going to be tough emotionally, but we are going to have to make some financial sacrifices. Don't let this be the reason you come back. I only want you back if you really want and love me. Also, don't come back just for the kid's sake even though they want you back so badly. If we can't both be deeply in love with one another that is not a good family environment. I would much prefer that they see their parents happy in a loving relationship even if it is not between you and me, but with someone else.
Divorce is a terrible thing that leaves a scar on all involved. You and I both miss the full time with the kid's as do the kid's themselves miss spending full time with each of us. I know that in the event of a divorce that we both will try as hard as possible to minimize the affects of the divorce on our precious children.
Nui, I so dearly loved you and don't want to lose you. But if it is meant to be, I will move on, recover from this painful divorce and find someone else to share my life with. I want to have someone love me deeply for who I am and for me to love them more than my own life. I want to be the rock of a husband for the special lady in my life. Will that person be you?
