I was a WAW in my first marriage and I had an affair. We ended up divorced but I thought I might could give you a perspective on how your spouse probably feels in ways. Of course I cannot speak for every WAW- just telling you how I felt.
My marriage had been neglectful for several years. My H had gone from romantic and loving towards me to only wanting to talk nicely to me when he wanted to have sex. I kept myself up, met his emotional needs (according to him) and talked to him about the issues I thought we had in the marriage.
He was out of town almost all the time pursuing hobbies-on top of a pretty demanding job. It left me all the responsibility. I was the cook, the babysitter, the accountant, the maid and then met his need for sex when he needed it. I paid all the bills through periods of time when he spent recklessly and all of that stress was on me. We could never get away because we couldn't afford a sitter and family was either ill or too busy to help. If I wanted to make plans with him I had to schedule it months in advance because he'd have all the weekends booked up with his hobbies. I'm sure yes that it was hobbies and not OW.
I got pregnant with my second child and there were alot of complications. I couldn't count on him to help out even when I was on bedrest. He acted like a complete jerk like he was unable to take care of our son and the house and work. HELLO?? What have I been doing for the last five years?
All of this builds up incredible incredible resentment.
I went to him, time after time, and asked for counseling- and he refused every time. I brought home books he didn't read. Left articles on his desk which I found in the garbage. I would ask for change and for him to begin to meet my needs. He would promise and do okay for a week or so but then he'd be back to his selfish self.
He was out of town 40 out of the last 52 weekends we were married. Pursuing hobbies. I finally went to him and point blank said "I will either leave you or have an affair if you don't start staying home and working on our marriage" His answer "I just don't have time to work on our marriage".
I wasn't really planning on having an affair but along comes OM. Who's flattering me and wooing me like I hadn't been in years. And yes, I fell. I'm not proud of it and I shouldn't have done it and in no way and I justifying my actions. No matter how he treated me I shouldn't have had an affair- I should have left.
So, he had promised 15 or more times he would change and didn't. I had told him exactly how I felt. And I'm helpless. I'm yearning for love from him and he won't give it to me.
Yet, when I told him I wanted a divorce?? SHOCK, TEARS. "what do you mean you want a divorce?"
After years and years of him not meeting my needs and me telling him exactly what I wanted out of the marriage he was still shocked that I was leaving him. He promised change. But I knew from his past pattern he wouldn't change- he never had.
It was too late for me. Too much resentment and anger had built up to the point that I was pretty much disgusted.
I left him- but not for OM because that had been over for a while before I told him I wanted a divorce.
And, you know what? He's remarried now and he still hasn't changed. Treats this one almost just like he did me.
For the WAW in my case I had wanted for years for him to love me. Yet all of his actions said he didn't. Sure he went to work everyday and didn't beat me- but was that all I really wanted from life? Exhaustion, little help, financial stress and feeling like he only wanted me for my body? The toll it begins to take on you is hard to describe. I cried almost everyday for a long time on the way home because I wanted to feel loved by another person. And I was miserable. He never noticed.
I know that some of your wives never came out and told you the things they wanted - but I did.
So, why couldn't I have given him a 16th chance?? Didn't have it in me. Just couldn't put myself through another chance when I knew he wouldn't change.
