I could use some advice form anyone willing. I posted this in the infidelity forum the other day. I go into a little more detail about what I think got me here and my sitch and was hoping that this forum with more traffic could help:
Originally Posted By: Mr Mom
FF, I have read your posts and have found them to be very helpful. I glad your here and offering help to others. If you have a moment to read this post I would really love to hear your perspective on my sitch.
My sitch is unique (like everyone else here) mostly because of my lack of expression of emotion in a healthy way and how easily I would just shut down and not communicate with my W. When we would argue I would stop talking to her and sometimes that would last for days. My inability to express emotions in a healthy way would get worse as time went by because I would just hold it all in. Well of course over time I would be irritable, on edge and even get angry over nothing. This grew into her feeling as though she couldn't tell me about things that she thought would make me angry.(this is what she says anyway) Over time she was hiding a lot of stuff and when I would find out about it I would get angry but the anger was not about the issue but about her feeling like she cant tell me about the issue and that she was hiding things from me because she felt afraid of my reaction. This hurt me deeply. Now yes I admit that I would over react at times but a lot of this is her just not communicating with me and just blaming me for a reaction that I haven't given her. Does that make sense?
My question to you is does it really make sense to go dark on my WAW when this is just the same old ME, closed up and not communicating unless she initiates? I know that right now shes gone and I cant change that and giving her an ultimatum right now doesn't make sense.
Originally Posted By: FightingFit
Mr Mom... I understand your regret over your failures in your marriage. And its commendable too. AND so healthy and necessary that we see them and see our part in a marriage breakdown.
But ONE thing you ALSO need to consider is this - you were always that way and for a long time she was fine with you BEING that way, it was clearly acceptable enough for her, and part of your personality, a part she didnt like sure but we all have things we dont like in our partner (bad temper, nasty silent treatment, not listening, we ALL have them.) REmember that when someone has an affair, they will do and say anything to justify it and no i am not saying they are LYING, those issues ARE real, but they are also used to camoflauge and explain BAD IMMORAL BEHAVIOUR and you have a RIGHT to point that out at all times in a loving way.
ie "I hear you saying I never listened to you and I was emotionally absent and I agree, and I believe I am working on that very much FOR MY OWN SAKE - but it doesnt excuse you for having an affair and trying to walk out on this marriage with another MAN before trying to work out our marriage."
you can only apologise and grovel so long for mistakes made in the marriage - if they are not prepared to accept your apology and take A RISK ON YOU to see if you really ARE trying to change then ask yourself (and THEM) this! "Why is is you were very ready to take a dangerous and RECKLESS and IMMORAL risk with this MAN, when you are not prepared to take a risk for ME and our MARRIAGE?" it is a GOOD question and its a VALID one.
Other things to point out to the cheating OW: if this other man is so supurb I wonder why he finds it ok to be a homewrecker and not WAIT FOR YOU? ie I beleive if he were a REAL man he'd want to be sure you were making the right choice and surely he'd want to have some INTEGRITY and tell you to not COME BACK til it was OVER. says a lot about what kind of man he is?!?! do you WANT that kind of man? if he did it with you he can do it TO YOU. better hope a sexy 19 yo doesnt come prowling!
Absolutely yes shes going to regret her behavior and for sure not giving it more of a try with you but the point is it can be all too late by then for you, if you move on emotionally (DETACH) and then its too late to regret anything anyway. And heres the kicker Mr Mom: your working on yourself now and is she FULLY PREPARED to take the risk that another woman might just end up with ALL HER HARD WORK (and thats exactly what happens yanno!)
regarding the fact you were always emotionally absent so you wonder if going dark now is good for anything, your probably right, i would guess she 'tests' you. but the point is you should tell her "no testing. you want to know how prepared I am to change and how much I want to be different then you be my wife to see that change, because its not fair to ME to make me express how I feel to you when you dont care". and it isnt, either, is it.
in your case... you might think of expressing these thoughts into a compassionate, logical letter to her; make it warm and loving (demonstrating your change!) but not whining or begging. give her some points to think about.
then leave it in her court. work on you. love your life as much as you can. put your head down and one foot in front of the other. one day you'll look up and the worst is past.
I would like to get others opinion on FF's idea about the letter and if I should do this. I started writing but found it hard to not cross the begging line or write in a way that is not angry. I guess if I were to do this it would have to be straight froward with no apologies and no blaming but loving at the same time. I just cant figure out how to do this or if I even should because I know that it goes against the DB rule.
