Hello everyone I've not found myself here these past few months to do much posting, and honestly not entirely sure why I am here this morning.
Maybe to vent a little about some recent twists...stop in to see if I recognize any of the old names and say hello. Could be to get some feedback and advice. Maybe someone new will read, gather something worthwhile from the past threads and current developments that can help them.
Maybe Coach, Bworl or Forrest will pop in with that magic pill, a kick in the a**...or an "I told you so"....how the heck are you guys?....been a while!
Up until a few weeks ago, if someone had asked about the sitch, I would have said status quo.
Still at home together...wife has not pushed for separation or divorce. We still talk, are very close at times and ML on a fairly regular basis.
Those of you that followed and remember the sitch, will be familiar with the drinking and partying that seemed to progress over the past year....to a point where..that may have been the bond...the medication...that kept us even..kept us close...allowed her to either have, or let out the feelings she continued to say were gone.
I got cocky...I got lazy. The reminders of the coming separation were few and far between. GAL took a back seat to making sure we had fun together...dinners...parties..friends over for drinks...bar hopping...you name it.
Those of you reading my posts for the first time would have to check out some of the old threads, but this past year has been a blur of quick fixes, and she stayed right there with me. Rarely any more did she hang out with the girls...go out with friends.
Yet, over the past few months, I had come to a point where I didn't think I was going to hang on much longer. This past year of waiting...the limbo..was really starting to get old.
The sex, the fun...was great..there was no denying that at times we connected. We enjoy the same activities..foods..music. We connect sexually....we laugh..we joke...what was missing?
The commitment from her to work on the marriage...the unsolicited hugs and kisses....the look when I came home from work that told me she was happy to see me...the "I love you" that I had not heard in over a year.
"Hang in there, she still loves you" was the mantra. One day she is going to wake up smell the coffee and you guys are going to grow old together.
I didn't believe that. As more and more time passed without that commitment I wanted, even though outwardly, things were still status quo, I was starting to believe in my heart that she was just waiting for me to move on.
The last reminder was back in March, and pretty much on schedule...every 2 or 3 months. All mostly the same....this is fun...but..don't forget, it does not change things. Don't get the wrong idea and don't get your hopes up.
Fast forward a bit...to a new fascination with Face Book and a reconnection with her old friends...male and female.
Fast forward a little further...last month's cell phone bill with 1000's of text messages, and a talk about the old friends..and her assurance that it was innocent...no emotional connections...no online boyfriends. "please don't get the wrong idea...it is nothing like that"..she said. "It's all new to me...it's just so good to hear from these people and stay in touch"
One thing I never pegged my wife as was a liar..or a cheat, and I believed her. We talked about emotional affairs..physical affairs, and our long standing agreement that while we are still married and under the same roof, there would no other people involved in our relationship.
That was a few weeks ago, and things remained the same..status quo.
Fast forward again..to the other day, and a 2 week vacation for her and my daughter, and me paying the cell bill on line, and checking the call log.
One number stood out and there was regular contact...early morning...late nights...pretty much constant and times. Obviously not a chatty girlfriend she was staying in touch with while she was away.
That was straw number 1, and my heart sank. Against my better judgment I called her that night and questioned her.
She told that if she told me about it, that I would get the wrong idea... I would not understand, but I pushed.
She met him on FB...very innocently to start...not sure I want to explain it on here, knowing the connection...it was very innocent to start, and she assured me it still was.
She has issues and a marriage on it's last leg...he is already done with his. Someone to share with..to talk to....a shoulder to lean and cry on....all innocent she said. No emotions, no plans to spend their lives together. She told me again...it's not what you think...I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
I left it at that....we talked more about the R and marriage and that led to reminders of what she wanted...how it felt good to get away for a while...how she felt things had dragged over the past year and we needed to start moving on.
Fast forward a few hours, as my head spun again and more snooping that I will not elaborate on. All I can say is my heart got the best of me, and I snooped.
I found an email..."I love you" was all it said...from the new text buddy.
I found, from another alt u friend, a couple of erotic stories written to her...stories that used her name and his as the main characters.
I have not confronted her with these, as that would mean me admitting some major snooping. She knew I had access to the cell bill, and that was one of excuses for assuring me it was all innocent...knowing that I could check any time I wanted.
This was different...this is a line that I never expected to see her cross.
It's only been a day or so, and I have stopped myself from confronting her while she is way. I spent most of yesterday reeling...talking to a friend and venting...trying to gather my thoughts.
She suggested I take the rest of the week while they are away and let it all soak in...avoid contact with my wife...stay busy..GAL.
Wife texted me first thing this morning while I was still in bed..."You awake yet?"....that was 3 hours ago...I ignored her.
I don't know if I will confront her about the other things I found.
I don't know if this is a deal breaker.
I don't know if I will ever be able to touch her, or look her in the eye again when she comes home...I don't if she will want to touch me or look me in the eye.
I'm at 14 months of this...and although for a while now, was pretty sure I was going to throw in the towel...some how maybe I was thinking that doing that...throwing in the towel..may be the catalyst that would have brought her around.
If she had come back to me...or stayed and wanted to work on us...I don't think I could have denied that.
Now what?...the time has finally come to accept that the marriage is over? Is there more I don't know about? Does it even matter any more?
When we talked the other night I told her that if there was more...if they had plans..if there was love and emotions involved..it would be silly not to tell me.
After all, you still want a divorce, and an affair...EA or PA would help push me along and get me out of your hair sooner...she agreed and said once again..it's nothing like that.
Well..that's all I got right now.
Anyone that made it this far...God Bless!...I would guess this is my longest post ever.
