WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

To be sure you understand "dropping the rope"......it does include your children, by all means. However, the way I see it is that you do NOT decide how she fits into it. The point is that you move "forward and onward" with your life and you do it as though she will never be a part of it again. That is your attitude and your behavior and actions. If you are holding out and think that this is a ploy to get her back.....it will blow up in your face. It has to be done from the heart knowing that it is the best move to make.

Absolutely that my boys are part of my look forward. Right now, it will be three of us. I'm not preparing with the consideration that my wife will be back. When I mean that "I will decide how she fits into it" is, because of the kids, I will need to maintain a co-parenting relationship with her. Right now, I get the sense that she wants/expects to be friends post-Divorce. I am trying to decide if I can be friends with someone who hurts their family by getting Divorced.

I know this is the best move for the boys and I. I can not keep us living in the past nor sitting still. I had, prior to this bomb, always been of the mindset that if you aren't constantly raising the bar, you are burying. I need to dig the bar out of the ground and get it moving

If all you have to do is sign your signature, then okay. But no fighting anymore. No hanging on for dear life and no begging and pointing out the good things about M, etc. Let her go.

Are you implying that I should sign the divorce papers now? If I don't sign, it will take another 18 months before a divorce decree is issued to dissolve the marriage. I'm going to really have to think about that one....

Yes, you may have to still contact her on occassion, but I would put my foot down about any of the co-dependent stuff. She just needs to get to a doctor.

Just as a note, she hadn't called all emotionally the last 2 nites. She had done it about 5 times since she moved out 6 weeks ago. However, I have shifted my approach over the last 2 days where in the past, when I would say goodnite to the boys, if she wound up on the phone afterwards (which was typical), I would be relatively short/abrupt in getting off the phone as she starts talking. I would let her go for a minute or two and just say things like "That's too bad" or "You've got to be kidding me" or other shallow things just to acknowledge as she talks about her day. And if she asked about my day, I wouldn't offer much other than it was good, or busy and that would be it. Then I would find a way to get off the phone.

For the last two nites, when she was on the phone, I would try to be very cheerful and ask how her day was going or if she mentioned something about the up coming week, I would follow up and ask how it went. This would happen before the boys got on the phone as well as after. Not sure if that's confusing her or it's settling her in or what. I'm still trying to gauge if this is a good approach.

I do agree about having her see a therapist. I know I can't control her to do that. I doubt if she will, nor will her friends/family push her, as she is able to hide/stuff it most of the time. I had thought about talking about how my therapy is going or just mention that I had gone that day. Sort of trying to keep the thought in front of her. I'm debating how to approach this.

Then you may have to make a believer out of her. I really hope I am wrong about my gut feeling about her.

What do you mean by making her a believer? That I'm preparing for life without her or that I've really changed?

So what is your gut feeling about her? I had thought it was that her mind is made up and she's not allowing herself to let go of her hurt or build any trust to give us a chance. I just want to make sure I got your impression right.... as tough as it may be.....

You painted a different picture of her after my long post I sent to you, but I took it as a man seeing her through eyes of love. One thing that stands above all else is how you are the one that has been broken and pulled down and has taken a beating from her and then from yourself. You are still beating yourself half to death every day. When are the beatings going to stop? When are you going to forgive yourself?

You are right, I do continue to see her through eyes of love.

What is the difference in the picture of her that I painted?

Pathetically, I feel sorry for her, for the pain that she's felt as she watched her dreams of happily ever after get crushed over the years. I know how painful it is as that's what I've been feelings since she hit me with the bomb. I also feel sorry for her that the hurt is so great, that she feels it is greater than the possibility of trying to achieve it, at least with me. I also see her as a broken woman because of all that pain.

So you are right, I am beating myself up my part that caused that pain. I think the greatest issue for me is the pain that my boys are going through. I know the beatings need to stop. It is not doing anything to raise the bar. This is my challenge - forgiving myself. How do I expect anyone to ever forgive me for this if I can't forgive myself. As a DAM, it had taken me this long to come to this realization.

How many time do you have to say you are sorry before it takes? Aren't you about to run out of "I'm sorry's"?

My suggestion for your own self esteem is to go for two weeks without saying you are sorry for anything. You may say you apologize, but don't say you are sorry. There is a big difference. Also, put a stop right now on ever saying you are sorry....again.....for what you have already said over and over for the same thing. That is degrading to yourself. She is robbing you of your self respect.

That had actually came up in the conversation on Sunday nite. When she started on the past hurt, I wound up saying that I've appologized for those before and I'm done appologizing for them. I didn't get it then, but I get it know as I've learned from them. She had responded that she wasn't looking for an appology, but she still feels that I don't get her.

That is one of the reasons I said that I did not think the two of you were very healthy for each other at this time. She doesn't trust you and you are eat up with guilt. You need to stay in therapy and she certainly needs to get help.

Got to get some rest. Talk later.

Sandi

The relationship that we have now is definitely not a healthy one. It wasn't always like this nor is this what I want as a new marriage. The question that comes up in my mind is are we both strong enough to do the work. I'm think I am and am trying to strengthen myself as I work on myself. I think she would be if could find it by letting go of the hurt and be willing to trust. I just don't see that happening any time soon, if ever...

I'm moving forward by giving up the hope and getting her back will be a bonus.

Thanks for your continued support Sandi.