Hey, I'm new here and relatively new to DB. Some stats on my sitch, Me 42 her 34 married 3 years, together 8, three great kids, girl 5, boy 3, boy 2. Three months ago my wife told me that she had fallen out of love with me and that she would give it a year or two before leaving. I have had four DB sessions with Jody, all of which have been very helpful. My wife has had one session, she too told me it was helpful. Our problem has been that for the majority of our R I have been a chronic complainer, always bitching about the things around the house. My belittling demoralizing demeaning and disrespectful ways have finally taken their toll. I worked hard on my 180 with Jody and my wife noticed immediate results. I had setbacks that I'm not proud of all of which made it feel like Groundhog day over and over. I did however feel as if I was making some good headway. Guess I was wrong, she told me last night that she is done, nothing left to give and just cannot try anymore. I even suggested flying to see Michelle for a one day intensive. DENIED. There just seems to be no convincing her. So I guess at the end of the summer she will be moving out. She has been a stay at home mom for five years and now she'll be going back to work to try and start a new life. This hurts like hell, I know I'm not saying anything new here but man the pain! I love this woman so much and have never let a day go by that I didn't tell her so, but apparently that was just all the more confusing for her. The thought of having to try and tell the kids is more than I can bear right now. Sorry for all the jumbled thoughts, the smoke is still settling from the bomb. Any thoughts, suggestions or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated
She told me in the beginning that she would give it a year or two, but now after three months of working on the R she is exhausted and has no more to give, so now she's decided to go at the end of summer.
She would like to give the kids a "good summer" and start fresh Sept 1st. It takes some time to find a place to live, a job when she hasn't worked in five years. I don't know maybe I'm just making excuses for her, I know she's reluctant to leave and just today she expressed her desire to go back to school so that she's not living the rest of her life on welfare.
After some serious consideration I told her that she was welcome to stay for the duration of whatever course it is that she chooses to take.
Her reply was very grateful and she told me that she would take me up on that offer.
So we had a very good day, at one point she stated the fact that it was too bad that she couldn't just get a job being the nanny that I'm looking for because it would save her from having to find a job. I told her that would never work out because I had planned on having sex with the nanny. She almost peed herself laughing, at least we still have humor.
We started the day by going out for brunch with the kids, followed by a drive in the country for a couple of hours while the kids napped.
We had a real good conversation, I confessed to her that a few years ago I had contemplated leaving the marriage because I had serious questions about whether or not I still loved her. She asked me why I thought I felt that way and I told her it was due to the fact that every little idiosyncrasy she had that got on my nerves was too much, Whenever I would try to tell her that these things irritated me and that I would like her to change some things she would tell me that she would try, but she never did. So after many years of this it began to feel like she was just doing them on purpose, so I began to resent her for it and I just stopped even asking her to change, but continued to resent her more and more, and as I resented her I would treat her worse and worse, and eventually felt as if I no longer loved her.
This is something that I had never told her and had never planned on, big mistake. She took it very well, she said it helped to make some of the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
I then told her that this feeling lasted for about a year or so and I just pushed it out of my mind until I started to feel my old way again. This is why I feel so strongly about her ability to love me again... Because I had felt these same things once and loved her again.
I think that she was quite shocked as we drove in silence for awhile as she processed the info, it was a lot of info.This seemed to have a real calming effect on her, we both had a good cry about all the years that we had wasted feeling these feelings and not expressing them and posed the old what if/ coulda woulda shoulda scenario. Oh well can't turn back the clock but this revelation sure seemed to clarify alot for her.
The rest of the day was spent doing yard work together on a project that had been important to her for a long time but which I had decided just was not a priority. This really seemed to fill her with a joy and enthusisim that I hadn't seen for quite some time.
Afterwards we came inside and I made the kids supper while she did some job searching online. We had a couple of drinks and listened to some good music while the kids danced around the living room, an old tradition of ours, and one the kids have been missing alot. We had more conversation all of which felt very productive for both of us, and the kids really enjoyed the routine, all in all the best day we've had in a long time.
Ninety-Three: I'm no DB-Meister like PortlandDad or anything. As far as I'm concerned, my D is moving full-steam-ahead.
But I will say this about your attitude and your plan, such as it is -- I will have the 4-month "anniversary" of W's "I love you but" in around 10 days' time, and the distance I've come courtesy of this online community, reading, thinking and -- mostly -- TIME is unbelievable to me.
From being "totally done" and needing to "get out" and "get the noose off" and "breathe free again," my W is now inquiring about, and talking about, various methods for exploring rebuilding and renewal.
All of which I credit to time and hard-won detachment on my part. So your observation that "these busy days are for the best" is, from my limited POV, spot-on.
Bad day, field trip with my D,5 and her classmates for yearend. Tried to make the best of it for her, but have this nagging feeling that I have made a poor decision regarding letting my W stay in the house as long as she wants while she goes to school.
I expressed this to her while driving to town for the fieldtrip and it was not very well received, I just said that I wasn't sure that I could do it.
Not sure what I was thinking when I made the offer, actually that's a lie, I was thinking that the longer I could get her to stay in the house the better my chances would be.
More of the same feelings all day and sadly it put a bit of a damper on the mood of the whole day.
Stopped on the way home to do a little shopping, W went in and I stayed in the truck with kids, when she came out of the store I stayed parked and made her walk to where I was, then didn't even get out to help her with her bags, real mature.
After we got home I helped her get her bags in the house and then I got in my truck without saying a word and left, just needed to get away and think for awhile.
Came home a couple of hours later feeling alot more focused, came in, told W that I was sorry but I just couldn't let her stay while she went to school, I just can't look at her face every day for the next year knowing the way she feels(ILYBINILWY).
So we're back to the same old she's out at the end of summer routine, and quite frankly I don't know how I'm going to make it that long either, guess I better "just suck it up" and find the strength.
I honestly feel that once she gets out of the house she will start to see the bigger picture. I know that she will not have an easy time of it working full time and only seeing the kids on weekends and the occasional night. I'm sure coming to my house to pick up the kids from the Nanny will be a new experience for her after being a stay at home Mom and the primary caregiver for our three kids for the last five years.
Perhaps some loneliness will help her snap out of the whole "I don't have anything left to give" routine.
Yeah, JKL 2 months ago I was a mess mind you I was abit of a mess yesterday too, but all in all I'm a hell of a lot better, the lows seem less frequent and seem shorter in duration.
