Divorce looming #14

[K4D]

Thanks all,

I have been rereading the posts each day. They help me through the day.

Tonite I went to D11's awards ceremony. She will be going to middle school next year. It was really good.

W was there and sat next to me. She wore another pretty dress.

Anyways, yes, I need to be very careful with the xanax I learned last night.

I am reading a book called conquering your giants. And yes I plan to read the others that have been suggested to me.

I'm getting tired of seeing W because it hurts everytime. On the other hand, I am glad to see her and put my best foot forward in front of her.

She has to be noticing things. Last night she brought up how I don't drink anymore which has made me healthier. We are back at home tonite after the show.

I'm tired.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

no offense Volley, but so is his R with his w...and his "withdrawal" from her and their toxic M, is killing him and his R's with the world and his future...

I mean, I take your point. But he needs to get through this and if it isn't at a time like this, I don't know when those things are best used AND he said it knocked him for a loop, not "I sure loved the feeling"...so, I think Kev is maxed out this week and needs to do what he needs to do.

Kev, consider yourself forewarned. Don't switch one weird problem for another.

You have choice. [b]Stay on track with the new Kev, and try to aim for 100 days of NOT expressing your need or wants to your wife. 100 days of not being needy but instead being strong, on your own feet, looking forward to your future and projecting an image of a GOOD CATCH! Start counting down tomorrow if you have to but you must go 3 months with her seeing the new you before you even think of ANYTHING ELSE but staying on track. (In 100 days you will have a much better idea of where this is going and what you need to do). If there is a chance with her, you have nothing at all to gain by pushing too fast and so much to gain by being slow and steady and making your changes real and permanent. Why on earth would you change tracks NOW when you are seeing flickers of respect from her? Don't change tracks now b/c you again lose patience. Remember how long it took you to get here with your M and the complacency, etc? And how long it will take her mother to NOT say a lousy thing about you that WILL influence your wife? Your wife needs lots of time to believe in any change you are making. Heck, don't we all? So take it slow and stay on track. [/b]

(( j ))

[volleydog]

None taken at all and I totally agree.

[K4D]

W isn't going to file tomorrow. She has to be at court at 8am to do so. She is taking the kids to school which means she will be heading to work after. Unless she does it at lunch today which I doubt she will, I don't see it happening. I'm still going to be married tomorrow. YAY!!! I don't know why. But I am not complaining. The D will be dismissed tomorrow morning. Unbelievable.

Of course I am going to keep doing what I am doing whether or not it goes through. But this is pretty wild.

By the way, I am only taking half of a xanax now. A whole one wsa to strong.

Kevi

[K4D]

So what does this mean since there is a better than average chance she is not filing the final D decree tomorrow and the case will be dismissed at 8am? Obviously I am still married. But what does it mean?

Kevin

[davidswife]

Why are you wasting time asking about what your wife does or doesn't do "means". It doesn't mean anything as far as you're concerned.

Keep up w/your positive changes, keep being the best dad you can be. Stop with the wife talk.

Jeez, Kevin -- this is why so many people have stopped posting to you. Including me, for the most part. How about the 24 hours without mentioning W -- how about the 100 days that 25 suggested?

Stacy

[aliveandkicking]

Obviously I am still married. But what does it mean?

I honestly think this is a worthwhile question. This would be a big deal to anyone who is DBing. So, the D issue is off the table for now. The game doesn't change per se. But, my question would be more in the vein of how long am I willing to stay married to someone who is done with me?

For now Kevin, put it to bed! Do what you've got to do. Stay focused, listen to 25!!! The ball is in your court in a way. Why don't you try that on for size. You are master of your destiny. You will decide if you want to be married to her. Change the paradigm in your mind. It is powerful. Of course, she can file again. But your new paradigm is "I, Kevin, am taking the space I need to grow up and become the man I wasn't and the man I want to be and then I will decide if I want to be married." How about that?

[MrBond]

Well it means you are still married in the eyes of the state. That's all. It doesn't mean your W has changed her attitude about you. So like everyone's been telling you, just keep working on yourself to make you a stronger person.

Let the changes come naturally and build yourself up.

[25yearsmlc]

Um, what everyone else said Kevin. Re-read these posts 10 times to yourself out loud if you have to. If it meant she "WOKE UP" you'd know by now, and she would not be asking you which single groups you're going to so she can avoid you b/c she IS going out with OM...remember? She dates...

It also means she can refile and you'll be divorced 60 days from now, if she does it tomorrow AND It means she does not have to pay YOU money for now...see, financially SHE benefits by not filing..NOT YOU, That's what I think it means...


Still if you take this as an opportunity that we have ALL been talking/cajoling/yelling to you, endlessly and perhaps to NO AVAIL to do...then maybe you can turn it around. By going steady and slow...(How many times will I write this? I hope this is the last time. Yes, IT IS THE LAST TIME I'M WRITING THAT TO YOU).

I just think she's regrouping and maybe you won't hit the iceberg of divorce this week, assuming you are accurate on the dates...so if you want to turn this huge ship around and not sink doing it, stay the course and STOP asking questions that prove to us, you are not getting it or listening.

I mean a PART OF YOU is "getting it," I THINK, but then you back slide so far, seemingly every time you move forward. It's hard for me to see or comprehend you STILL HANGING on HER every act OR FAILURE to act...good God Kevin, how long will it take for you to want to live a real life of your own making?

Did you EVER think about my question re; what you'd do if she had died? Would you curl up and die like you seem to suggest doing IF this M finally ends? What about your girls?
[/i]
Re-read the posts that help you stay on track and try really really hard to NOT post your every fear and see if YOU can steer your thought process better. It's not adult like to give voice to every single fear you have and then see it in writing gives it more power. When a negative or unhealthy thought enters your mind, KICK IT OUT and don't let it fester...

when do you see the C? Tell them what you tell us and See if they see what we see... like stuff you know your wife was NOT attracted to, and yet the same stuff you seem hell bent on showing her NOW...

It's like a bad movie where the audience screams at the main character and cannot believe the choices he makes over and over...

You may not be the strongest man in the world. Yet. So what? You are strong ENOUGH to get through this and more.

(( j ))

[K4D]

Ya. Not much else I can do is there. I'm having dinner with Lnlyrzr tonite somehwere in Frisco. That should be fun.

My girls are staying with W overnight since I don't know when I will be back. It just means I keep them over next wednesday night.

How can I go 100 days without talking about W when I will be running into her and interacting with her? I ran into her again at my apartment because she needed some stuff for the girls. I said that was fine. She has a key, go ahead. Then I got here and she said hi and cya later. I said the same.

I split the xanax in half today. Doing much better from that. Last night I took a full one again thinking maybe I would be fine this time. Well, I was, but then fell asleep. Meanwhile D11 couldn't get me to wake up so she called MIL. Then MIL called W to say I might have had a heart attack. So next thing I know, W is knocking at the door wanting to know what is going on. I told her I was drowsy from the meds and I am going to cut the dosage in half which again, I did today and it worked fine that way. All was fine. But just yet another reason I'm sure for MIL to hold something else against me and give W more ammo.

I just put basil seasoning on a ham and cheese sandwich with mayo. That was really good. I had never put basil on a sandwich before.

Kevin