Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[25yearsmlc]

SH:

Scarcity mentality is a state of seeing everything in your life as limited and scarce. It makes you hang onto a bad relationship, bad job, etc., because a bad one is better than none at all, where an abundance mentality is a state of seeing everything as a journey to better and better things, knowing that you can create your opportunities and do what is necessary to reach your goals.

Take two people, one with a scarcity mentality and one with an abundance mentality, and give them ten thousand dollars. The one with scarcity mentality will live in fear of losing his money, and will most likely spend it on things that bring him no real value rather than risk losing it, or will never spend it and enjoy it because he's too busy keeping his options open to ever exercise one of them.

However, the one with the abundance mentality will see the opportunities that cash presents, and use it to make even more money, and will reach financial independence if he is diligent in the conduct of his business, or if someone manages to steal it from him or his market takes an unexpected turn against him, he will say, "Wow! Now I know how to do this right, and can protect myself from it next time. I'm going to raise capital and try it again!"

A lesser man might make it that far, but when faced with failure, have scarcity sneak in on him and cause him to decide, "Well, I'm just not cut out for this, and any business I start is going to fail, so I'm just going to not bother trying again."

That same thing happens in relationships. People take responsibility, have a great relationship for a while, things go sour for some unexpected reason, and in a fit of emotional weakness, they say, "Well, I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and relationships aren't worth it after all," instead of just acknowledging the reality that either they made a mistake or their partner did, or maybe even both of them, and sitting down to discuss it and making repairs to the relationship or exiting to find a better one.

Personal responsibility coincides with abundance mentality, and a lack of personal responsibility coincides with scarcity mentality. It's consistent, but is there a single cause-and-effect relationship, or does the door swing both ways, meaning, will taking personal responsibility induce an abundance mentality and will an abundance mentality also induce personal responsibility?

SH....have a look at that book? No More Mr. Nice Guy? FIB

Love the quote. Can women read it too????? And StilHopeful...you may not recall me but I remember you and your name and some of the story. I recall your guilt ridden attitude and maybe that's part of why you held on longer. I totally see that b/c PARTLY you dont' want your kids to think it was solely that which caused the divorce and maybe now, it isn't even a big factor.

Yes you have come a long way. Interesting about your xw's feelings or resentment about the family's reactions. I do think IDEALLY both x family's would try to be sensitive and all that. Honestly, how are the kids helped by hostility from others in addition to their own parents?? Dang!!

Some in laws can handle it and some cannot. I am one of 9 kids, so there have of course been 5 divorces...very diff situations.

When my bil broke my oldest sister's heart AGAIN, I just had no use for him. If I saw him at a function I'd be very civil, he was certainly invited to any of his own kids functions, but he repeatedly cheated on her after 22 years and her putting him thru law school, he was a WAS, etc etc and so, no one "disowned" him but it's not as if we all liked his company WHEN they were married. (!!) He called ME once to have lunch just after the divorce, and I thought it was about a recon with my sister... and to this day I cannot tell if he was making a pass at me, or just wanted to shoot the breeze as if the good old days were still here, but he seemed to thinkmy sister's face had simply been erased in his family photo...?? WTH? NO, if you leave my sister in the poor house after all the crazy crap you put her thru and left her with 3 kid s in a state without alimony so she gets half the DEBT of your schooling but worked the whole time and yada yada, you get the picture. He used her, spat her out and moved in w/ OW #1...oh, for the record, he DID regret it big time and he DID tell my sister he was truly sorry and that he "got it" that he had "F-" up big time and when she asked him if he ever thought about the unconditional love she tried to give him, he said "I think about that everyday"...so some people do wake up. Alas, he was too late. She is remarried and much much happier. Others in my family feel the same-- It's like he's on a diff continent, and his yearly visits are fine...but ho hum...SEE YA!

CONTRAST TOTALLY the opposite, with my ex sil, whom my lovable but idiot MLC Brother left. He broke HER heart, and she and I and other sisters stay in touch, and sometimes vacation together and she and I speak more than my brother and I do. I told my brother I would not disown him at the time, but that I strongly thought he was making "the mistake of a lifetime" etc and all my sisters did. He's too proud to admit what HE SHOULD have learned by now...but who knows? He remarried a nice woman with almost zero expectations of him....what's that say? I mean he MAY be happier...he missed his only child's childhood for a JOB...geez, never mind.

The way our family treats the ex's is pretty kindly, but it does depend on WHY they divorced (and we're able to stay close to "both parties" and usually do) AND OR how the ex treats our sibling after the divorce.
2nd reason seems to matter most in the long run...if there are kids.

I have one sil who STILL HATES my younger brother (12 years later?) so much that her hatred has ALWAYS BEEN PARAMOUNT TO HER (Like FIB's w, I think) and that has been a hard thing b/c I made efforts to see my nieces when they first split but my x sil would tell ME in front of the girls that she 'hates" my brother. WTH am I supposed to do with that info? My visits there dropped off and soon I only saw them at my brother's when he had custody.

She sooo badly treated my younger brother AFTER their divorce (and it was a mutual div if I ever saw one) but SHE Chose not to see us much..contrast the other sil with whom we are all still close, and SHE was the LBSer but never bad mouthed my brother in front of their d, and that makes a HUGE diff.

(One note, my older brother - the MLC WAH, pays less support than he should, until recently. A lot less and I know what they both earned and he has made a fortune in real estate but only pays when HE thinks the ex w really needs it as he has "investments" to make....Maybe the past 2 years he's paid his share but in truth he "owes" for past lost support and if she wanted to, my ex sil could take him to court and say "pay up the $60k you forgot about when you "BORROWED MONEY FROM ME INTEREST FREE BY NOT PAYING ANYTHING AT ALL AND NOT TELLING ME UNTIL THE CHECKS BOUNCED, THAT YOU WERE "BORROWING" FROM ME, AGAIN......" but she doesn't. She NEVER took him to court for non payment. At least not yet. If she were not formerly m to my brother, I'd say take him to court so there are times I feel conflicted. She deserves the money and so does my niece. Maybe not MY battle?
It'd cause a lot of trouble forever with my brother who would line up everyone and twist things and only the girls would "get it" as the brothers are all terrifed their wives will leave them and take all they have, and blah blah blah....tiresome.

ANYHOW, it IS telling that your two families are reacting their ways but I also applaud your inlaws for their fairness and putting their grandchildren's comfort ahead of any desire for revenge. Your ex could have learned something from her own family that she somehow missed....oh well.
I hope NO ONE bad mouths the other spouse in front of the kids...on either side and it sounds like your inlaws don't, which is a real gift to you.

Congrats on the movement and clarity and I like your new mantra. Excellent and provocative. I may have to adopt it as my own (but will give you credit of course...)

(( j ))