Just wanted to say hi - read through your thread. I am new to posting.:) I am happy to find people in the same situation with being separated in the same house. It is tricky and certainly harder to detach!
It sounds like you have made some good changes for yourself in your situation.
I just dropped by your thread to post. Havent too many encouraging things to say today though, as Im back right now, to wanting to throw in the towel again.
H announced this evening that we`d been invited to dinner with three other couples in two weeks time.I just said OK in a friendly way. And then he returned to say that he wouldn`t be going but that he`d stay here to babysit if I wanted to go there. I said OK to that too. But my heart sank as I knew he was trying to bait me into a discussion about why he wasnt going. And the fact that he`s not going is really giving a signal that things are not well.
He`s made zero effort with me or the kids today and has gone home tonight-announced it at the last minute. Since his mum has heard a little of our difficulties I`m sure this visit home will enlighten her even further and is tantamount to his throwing in the towel.He hasn`t taken the kids with him.
I`ve taken a tranquilser. I`ll need more to get me through all this.
Wide awake at 4 am. I`m shuddering at the thoughts of the impending crisis. Yes, I know, I shouldn`t live in anticipation but I`m finding it just so hard right now to stop my mind being flooded with negativity.
Have a nice day planned for tomorrow. Just me and the kids.Hopefully it`ll take me out of my depressed mode.
Feel like I`m talking to myself! Do interject anyone if you`ve any thoughts on this! I especially like to be challenged. Would hate to wake up in ten years time and say, damn I should have played all this so differently!
MIL rang last night. Seems H told her a very small amount of our marital difficulties and she is in shock. I feel really sorry for her. She is a formidable woman though and will do anything she can to `help` things along.
Time will tell what way that will take us. She says H has agreed to go to counselling! Hmmm, I`ll believe that when I see it.
I just dropped by your thread to post. Havent too many encouraging things to say today though, as Im back right now, to wanting to throw in the towel again.
H announced this evening that we`d been invited to dinner with three other couples in two weeks time.I just said OK in a friendly way. And then he returned to say that he wouldn`t be going but that he`d stay here to babysit if I wanted to go there. I said OK to that too. But my heart sank as I knew he was trying to bait me into a discussion about why he wasnt going. And the fact that he`s not going is really giving a signal that things are not well.
He`s made zero effort with me or the kids today and has gone home tonight-announced it at the last minute. Since his mum has heard a little of our difficulties I`m sure this visit home will enlighten her even further and is tantamount to his throwing in the towel.He hasn`t taken the kids with him.
I`ve taken a tranquilser. I`ll need more to get me through all this.
The good news is you didn't take the bait! That's a change, isn't it?
You can't control what he does. He can throw towels, or whatever he wants to throw. The key is that you control YOUR towel! You can wait. Give him some room, and some rope. In fact, drop the rope. See if he keeps pulling away when you quit pulling him back! In a lot of cases, when you stop pulling, they stop pulling away. They are like little kids, or a dog with a chew toy. While you pull, they pull, when you stop, they don't knwo what to do!
Things that keep me going are my kids, my siblings,my friends,this board, my counsellor, my self care and my tranquillisers!
Sadly on dropping the rope, H throws more crap to try to get me wound up.
So he won`t even small talk about the kids at this stage. He`s pulling back from them more than ever. He`s leaing bills unpaid and says I can pay them-even though I`m paying more than my fair share already.
Our electricity may get cut off today-got a final demand letter last week. He has always paid that-he set up who should pay what right from the begining and its in his name so I`m dropping that one too.
Just trying to rise me. It`ll affect his credit rating as its in his name.
More of his madness.
BTW how to you make the link thingy(its red) for your thread?
BTW how to you make the link thingy(its red) for your thread?
That I can tell you! Open another window, go to the page you want to link to, and copy the address. Then click "Reply". The second icon over the text box looks like the earth, with a couple of links of chain in front of it. Click that. Paste the address in the window that comes up first, and then type the text you want to see when the next window comes up. That will put some code into the text box. To use it in your signature (if that's what you want to do), you can copy that, and paste it into your signature. The signature has a limited number of characters, so you might have to use something like tinyurl.com to make it fit.
As far as your H..... I'd like to whomp him! He is pushing all the buttons he knows how to push. At first, you not reacting will make him mad. But I think eventually, when he realizes it isn't working, he'll cut it out. I hope so!
I agree. I am in the same house with my WAW. It is difficult to detach, and I'm struggling now to drop the rope. Based on her behavior (and books she is reading) it seeme W has dropped the rope, probably quite a while ago.
Tough to be in the house with W and act like everything is ok (she is) while, at the same time, you know things are anything BUT ok. Just trying to hang in there.
Oh well, things move on and not in the way I`ve expected.
Last night H said he wanted to separate. He couldn`t stick this any longer and knew he had to go. I thanked him for bringing to up. I said I knew he was un happy and that I wanted him to be happy.
He said it was all taking its toll on him. He was losing weight couldn`t sleep and that he was sure his health would break under the strain(All about him...) He said He hadn`t known his Mum would ring me(she did, crying, at the week end-tough phone call to take though I felt desperately sorry for the poor woman)He said she is worried about two weddings that are coming up in the next couple of weeks whether we`d be there or not. I told him I would go if he he wanted me to, that I would enjoy the social occasion but he didn`t decide what to do and I didn`t push him. I told him his Mum had said she would ring me beofre that, that I found her phone calls difficult as I didn`t want to tell her how bad things were.
He said we could go to marriage counselling. Yes, I said, Your Mum said you`d agreed to go to that. No he replied I hadn`t.He asked what good would M C do. I said I didn`t know but it would make sense to try that first before separating. But that I wouldn`t try to drag him to that if he didn`t want to go.
He asked where did it all go wrong. I resisted saying that his affair had anything to do with it. I asked if he loved me at any point in the M. He said he did.I said I didn`t know where things went wrong but that maybe when we look bak in later years we`ll see where that was.
I listened very carefully to him. I didn`t talk about the possibility of R or plead with him in any way. I didn`t get angry at any point. I spoke about the effects of the strain on me and said the most important point in all of this is that we put the children first. We can`t land them with this out of the blue but both agree on what we will say to them,when and where we will say it and to reassure them that we both love them very much and that none of this is their fault.
I told him I knew he was in a big dark hole but that i couldn`t get him out of it. I reminded him of a letter I`d sent in November telling him this.
I focussed on the kids most of the time. Explained that my sadness was only for them( I couldn`t hold back the tears)That we had to think of their welfare first in any decisions we make with the separation.I told him I had kept our love letter only for them to show that we were conceived in love.
I reiterated that I would have preferred to have tried MC but that I accepted that H wanted to leave. I thanked him for bringing up the conversation as I said I knew it wasnt easy for him.
Then I left the room as I said I better check on the kids as I didn`t like them to be alone wondering about us.
It was all very calm and gentle.
I think H thinks he wants a separation but hasn`t really imagined what its going to be like(says he hadn`t thought about when to leave or where to go).I`m glad he has asked for it and not me. I`m glad the bubble has finally burst on his crazy making behaviour. I think things will be easier now in the house with the decision made.
He says what it is the point of MC when we`ve often had rows in the past and made up and gone back to the row again. I said this is a much bigger darker place and has been for the past year, that I never experienced anything as difficult as this in my life so that asking someone else to help us work through that would be worth a try.But again, that I wouldn`t drag him along if he didn`t want that.
I am desperately sad that the M is over. Its not what I ever expected to happen in my life. But then I didn`t expect ever to be on tranquilsers, going to a counsellor or posting on a DB website!H is not going to a C. He says he`s on sleeping tablets but that they only work for 3 hours(poor me syndrome) I said he could get stronger ones.
After I left the room to see to the kids I texted my two best buddies through all of this. i will need their continued support. I took xanax and will take another one today to get me through work. I am due to see the counsellor this evening and due to go away for the weekend with the children.
I did go back down stairs to see H and rehash the conversation. I won`t pursue beg or plea, just quietly accept
H needs a taste of is own company and a picture of what lies ahead.
Any tips anyone on what to do next?Yeah, and a hug sure would help too!
Oh and thanks Jeff for your siggy tip. Will get around to it as soon as I can.
Welcome to the club Giving. Yes, I do know the strain of living together apart. I think H moving will take a lot fo the tension out of that. Oh and I know I`m lucky he said he`d move-had been pushing for me to leave before this!Who knows what lies anead for any of us?
Sorry to hear about your conversation with your H - I'm sure it was incredibly hard. So it sounds like maybe it would be easier in a way if he did move out? Less strain? It certainly is hard being separated in the same house.
