Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Hi Thinker. I am still stuggling getting over the flu and can't seem to get around to everyone in one "sitting" like I use to, but I'm glad you dropped by. What I said to Stuck is what I would tell any LBH who stands a very good chance in drawing his W back to him by way of "friendship".

The rest of this post will be for you and Stuck and anybody else that might take a look-see.

Based on what you asked about how I would treat a friend, I would actually have had a conversation with them. Kind of hard when it's one sided though. So I just left things quiet.

You handled that perfectly, Stuck. When the two of you are out in public, especially, is to treat her with respect, politeness, friendliness, etc., and if she doesn't return any forthcoming attempts at making conversation, then that is what you should do.....just leave it alone. Be sure not to give the impression that you are sulled b/c that is a huge turn-off. Plus, she needs to see that her mood swings are not going to control how you behave through-out the day. I believe that is a big factor, right there, for them to learn their emotions doesn't keep you from enjoying life. She may have thought you would lay down and die when you found out about OM and she said she did not love you.......but you are showing her that Stuck is going to enjoy his life and his kids with or without her beside him.

One of your hardest jobs will be to act "as if" you are the guy with the friendly personlity when all you want to do, at times, is scream, yell, cry, give up, and many other emotions before you begin to see the results on a daily basis like you are hoping. If you stay consistant, you will start to see glimmers from time to time, and then it will start lasting longer periods of time. But remember that she will be going through her own personal "hell" and that alone will require more patient from you.

Before we used to call each other at work to see how the other was doing and she's stopped that. I've been doing it every now and then, but should I stop it as well? I don't want to seem needy to her.

Yes, I strongly suggest that you wait for her to initiate calls and emails. If you call, I would make sure it was something more than "just seeing how your day was going"......unless there has been something to happen that you know might cause her a difficult day on her job. Again, like you would do for a friend. If she speaks in a cross manner and doesn't appreciate it, then you will know to back away and not do it anymore......until much later down the road. It is almost better to think in terms of a "guy" friend and how you would interact with him. I say that to help you get the idea of the romance and sex out of the scope of things and try to see it from that POV. Very difficult for a LBH who is in a SSM. It is those times that you have to keep you eye on the goal.

Stuck, I believe what you have to be able to pull this off and if it takes a turn for the worse and I don't see her making progress from what you post to us.....I will tell you up front that it is time to move on. You know I have done that with a few folks. I don't like to, but I will if I think they would stand a better chance at dropping the rope and moving forward with their life.

The biggest hang-up that LBH's get is that they are afraid to detach b/c they are afraid of "losing" the W. However, you could not get much closer (emotionally) than you are at this point, so think of it as a strategic plan of action to turn this R around. But instead of charging into battle, you must take baby-steps one day at a time and that goes completely against the male nature. Fighting that male nature to pursue her will be your biggest enemy, so you will have to watch out for it. The other enemy is getting sucked into R talks. Just don't go there if at all possible!

Speaking of goals, maybe you could think of some short term goals for yourself and the kids. Don't say that you are going to get your wife to kiss you by the end of the month.....or something like that. First of all.....that is very unrealistic and second of all, it is about her.....and you can't make goals for "her".....only yourself and what you want to do with the kids. Since summer is upon us and the kids are out of school in most places......it might open some opportunities for fun times. The idea is to center it around the kids (family) but make it all about "fun" and keeping everything light and relaxed. Unlike trying so hard like the night you took her to the dinner and the movie and you were trying to make light conversation.....you soon ran out b/c she wasn't joining in. Don't let that get you all up-tight. Remind youself that she can smell fear and you need to relax. When you once truly relax and the home attmosphere is relaxed......there will be a greater chance in her reaching the place where she will start to feel relaxed in your presence. When she does not feel that you are going to try to make a move on her, then she will truly start thinking of you as a friend. That is the frist goal to try to reach (IMHO) is to do your best to keep the home front a "relaxed" attmosphere so the kids and your roommate will relax......b/c once that happens.....it will take a lot of pressure off of you.

I can tell you are exhausted, Stuck. You need rest. So, my suggestion is to consentrate on trying to get as much rest as you can this week and give her that space she wants. If she choses not to say good-night, mark it off as bad manners on her part and don't deal with it again this week. You don't need to get into another R talk with her for sure! This weekend......maybe something simple, yet fun for the kids.....like swimming, for example. If you have a pool at the house, maybe the kids could have one of their friends over. It just takes one more kid for them to have a ball. The next weeks ahead I think your main focus is on relaxing. That means you will have to work at not "watching her" and wondering what she is thinking, etc. You'll get obsessed if you continue doing that, and it's not healthy.

If she wants to hide out in her room or whatever, then pour your attention on the kids. Take then for ice cream and tell her she is welcome to tag along if she wants......and if she doesn't.....don't let any disappointment show in your face or voice and tell her, "okay, see ya later". A person does not have to over-kill with the cheesy smiles and act like a idiot while trying to maintain a PMA. I think that is what has freaked some WW's is when they see their H's suddenly acting really strange. That is b/c the H is over-killing the acting "as if" part.

Well, it's been a long day for me and I need to get some rest myself. I am encourage and hope you will be also. Remember, it is like you said.......the OM is not the one here.......You are!! You have all the advantages. But let me warn you Stuck......it will not come about in a short time. If you won't give up and if something in the EA doesn't go farther.....then she will finally begin to let go of her fantasy by the hardest. She won't want to do it and will hang on for dear life. It takes quite a man, IMO, to be able to do what you are doing.

Have a good night and I'll talk to you later.

Sandi