Oh well, things move on and not in the way I`ve expected.
Last night H said he wanted to separate. He couldn`t stick this any longer and knew he had to go. I thanked him for bringing to up. I said I knew he was un happy and that I wanted him to be happy.
He said it was all taking its toll on him. He was losing weight couldn`t sleep and that he was sure his health would break under the strain(All about him...) He said He hadn`t known his Mum would ring me(she did, crying, at the week end-tough phone call to take though I felt desperately sorry for the poor woman)He said she is worried about two weddings that are coming up in the next couple of weeks whether we`d be there or not. I told him I would go if he he wanted me to, that I would enjoy the social occasion but he didn`t decide what to do and I didn`t push him. I told him his Mum had said she would ring me beofre that, that I found her phone calls difficult as I didn`t want to tell her how bad things were.
He said we could go to marriage counselling. Yes, I said, Your Mum said you`d agreed to go to that. No he replied I hadn`t.He asked what good would M C do. I said I didn`t know but it would make sense to try that first before separating. But that I wouldn`t try to drag him to that if he didn`t want to go.
He asked where did it all go wrong. I resisted saying that his affair had anything to do with it. I asked if he loved me at any point in the M. He said he did.I said I didn`t know where things went wrong but that maybe when we look bak in later years we`ll see where that was.
I listened very carefully to him. I didn`t talk about the possibility of R or plead with him in any way. I didn`t get angry at any point. I spoke about the effects of the strain on me and said the most important point in all of this is that we put the children first. We can`t land them with this out of the blue but both agree on what we will say to them,when and where we will say it and to reassure them that we both love them very much and that none of this is their fault.
I told him I knew he was in a big dark hole but that i couldn`t get him out of it. I reminded him of a letter I`d sent in November telling him this.
I focussed on the kids most of the time. Explained that my sadness was only for them( I couldn`t hold back the tears)That we had to think of their welfare first in any decisions we make with the separation.I told him I had kept our love letter only for them to show that we were conceived in love.
I reiterated that I would have preferred to have tried MC but that I accepted that H wanted to leave. I thanked him for bringing up the conversation as I said I knew it wasnt easy for him.
Then I left the room as I said I better check on the kids as I didn`t like them to be alone wondering about us.
It was all very calm and gentle.
I think H thinks he wants a separation but hasn`t really imagined what its going to be like(says he hadn`t thought about when to leave or where to go).I`m glad he has asked for it and not me. I`m glad the bubble has finally burst on his crazy making behaviour. I think things will be easier now in the house with the decision made.
He says what it is the point of MC when we`ve often had rows in the past and made up and gone back to the row again. I said this is a much bigger darker place and has been for the past year, that I never experienced anything as difficult as this in my life so that asking someone else to help us work through that would be worth a try.But again, that I wouldn`t drag him along if he didn`t want that.
I am desperately sad that the M is over. Its not what I ever expected to happen in my life. But then I didn`t expect ever to be on tranquilsers, going to a counsellor or posting on a DB website!H is not going to a C. He says he`s on sleeping tablets but that they only work for 3 hours(poor me syndrome) I said he could get stronger ones.
After I left the room to see to the kids I texted my two best buddies through all of this. i will need their continued support. I took xanax and will take another one today to get me through work. I am due to see the counsellor this evening and due to go away for the weekend with the children.
I did go back down stairs to see H and rehash the conversation. I won`t pursue beg or plea, just quietly accept
H needs a taste of is own company and a picture of what lies ahead.
Any tips anyone on what to do next?Yeah, and a hug sure would help too!
Oh and thanks Jeff for your siggy tip. Will get around to it as soon as I can.
Welcome to the club Giving. Yes, I do know the strain of living together apart. I think H moving will take a lot fo the tension out of that. Oh and I know I`m lucky he said he`d move-had been pushing for me to leave before this!Who knows what lies anead for any of us?
