Well I ended up calling H back to tell him my girl friend is going to be driving my car behind me. At first I thought "good, I hope he loses some sleep over this & aleast this will force him to think about me". I know. Totally evil thought. After a half hour I thought "this is not who I am & this is not how I would want him back" '& called. He was so relieved it shocked me....we spoke & he laughed & he made me laugh - generally just talked for 15min & it ended well.....at least in my opinion. He is still coming to see me in 2 weeks. He askedme if I was studying & I said "don't make me mad" & he laughed & said why does that make u mad? Isaid "are u contemplating ur life?". & he didn't respond & then said "no".
I asked if he wanted to go see Star Trek when he came down... He sounded surprised & then said "yeah, that would be great". I think I caught him off guard. He has always been the one who pursued me..,.& I just thought I would be more in charge. It's not that I cant be in charge....it's that he likes to be in charge & so, I usually just back down. Well this was my 180!
I really feel I am on a roller coaster. I feel exhausted.....physically & emotionally. But, I am happy with myself. I obviously did not get a great response from H, but for now "who cares". I will have my shot to give him some different experiences & to listen to his explanation! I am really going to have to work at not trying to fix him & just listen. No idea if I will have another chance to see him , & with the deadline for the D looming in August, I am really wanting some options that involve putting the D on hold for a while! I know it's way too lofty a goal....but I will shoot for the stars & see where my fate lies. I can only hope that I will be a better person than I am today.
