I am glad u were able to end the day on a more reflective note. I am working on that myself today.
First, let me start by saying that I think it was awesome that u said no to the meeting! I don't know if I could have done that...
About the OW, I would think it over several times before calling her cuz on the one hand she could feel shame & if all the stars ate alligned she may take herself out of the picture. But on the other hand H can feel "protective" of OW .....YUCK! & if she was a person with any character, she would have felt shame when this all started with ur H. She obviously got over that! If u think she instigated the A with H, then it may be worth it. Otherwise, the price u would pay seems too much to me. Obviously your call,this is just my 2 cents
About the text , OH MY totally my worst fear & have done something similar via text Msg..,,,I agree with everyone else..,u need a support system to deal with the crap he's dumped on u & then walked away. He has no right to tell u HOW u can handle it. Totally agree with u on that one! What Nerve! And finally I have to agree Kara on what & how u want to see urself handle this crisis when u look back on it 10 years from now. I know I want to fight for my M - no doubt in my head or my heart. But no matter what I have a vision of who I am striving to be...& not even my H is going to deviate me from my path!
For me & from what I have read of other WAS , they no longer want the "responsibility" of a wife & M ...... And when I think about that it still totally makes me livid! But, the only way to really battle this is to give them exactly that & in the process you become a better person & when they get around to seeing how independent u are & they can no longer blame u for their life crisis- the fog may finally start lifting.
Ok....enough of my babbling - I really just wanted to say hi & this idea that kara gave me about chamomile tea is great! I put. Some cinnamon flavored honey ! It really does the trick!
Well I ended up calling H back to tell him my girl friend is going to be driving my car behind me. At first I thought "good, I hope he loses some sleep over this & aleast this will force him to think about me". I know. Totally evil thought. After a half hour I thought "this is not who I am & this is not how I would want him back" '& called. He was so relieved it shocked me....we spoke & he laughed & he made me laugh - generally just talked for 15min & it ended well.....at least in my opinion. He is still coming to see me in 2 weeks. He askedme if I was studying & I said "don't make me mad" & he laughed & said why does that make u mad? Isaid "are u contemplating ur life?". & he didn't respond & then said "no".
I asked if he wanted to go see Star Trek when he came down... He sounded surprised & then said "yeah, that would be great". I think I caught him off guard. He has always been the one who pursued me..,.& I just thought I would be more in charge. It's not that I cant be in charge....it's that he likes to be in charge & so, I usually just back down. Well this was my 180!
I really feel I am on a roller coaster. I feel exhausted.....physically & emotionally. But, I am happy with myself. I obviously did not get a great response from H, but for now "who cares". I will have my shot to give him some different experiences & to listen to his explanation! I am really going to have to work at not trying to fix him & just listen. No idea if I will have another chance to see him , & with the deadline for the D looming in August, I am really wanting some options that involve putting the D on hold for a while! I know it's way too lofty a goal....but I will shoot for the stars & see where my fate lies. I can only hope that I will be a better person than I am today.
I haven't had much to post the last few days. I have been working and focusing on getting my essays done for the next few weeks. I actually starting writing one of them tuesday and worked on it again on wed and am almost half done with that one, so was really happy and proud of myself bc I have been putting it off for so long!
After the whole text mix up mess, I have just kept my head down and not been worrying about H. So last contact was me saying I'd let him know if I wanted to meet Tuesday after work, then late the night before him saying something came up so he can't make it, but we can make it early next week. I left it, didn't respond. Thought about saying 'ok' but decided that was a waste of a text message.
today I got an email from H saying he hopes my week is going well, sorry he couldn't make it this week, we can meet up early next week. then a comment that he had been to the gym and had felt very happy about it. ending with 'just wanted to drop you a mail'
I don't know what to make of it all. I'm not going to answer right away, if at all. Can't decide just yet.
Last night I met up with 2 other girls and we had chocolates and cake, watched tv and had girl talk. It was a fun, easy going night.
Tomorrow I have my video taped assessment with a role play actor playing my 'patient' for my grad course. Not too nervous YET, but I need to practice today bc I haven't practiced much. I'm sure I will be nervous by tomorrow. eek!
I've had lots of crazy dreams lately. some a little scary and others just confusing. In one of them last night I asked H if he was going to bring the Wii back for me. and in the dream he said 'no its mine' and I said 'No its ours, just like everything else in this house' and I said that is the only one I like to play you can have all the rest(xbox, playstaion, etc). I didn't get to see how that dream ended bc I woke up. very strange.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Ok and then, H text this morning saying new game I like is out
I didn't sleep all that well last night bc I was anxious about my assessment today, so am tired. But it went ok in the end, the role play lady was playing hard ball big time! Didn't anyone tell her to go easy on me bc its a test! geez. But I managed to handle it all ok, so I am thinking I passed. yey! so glad that is over and now I can really concentrate on my essays.
After that today, I went and did some shopping and then grabbed some lunch for myself. I tried to meet up with a girl from work who was also doing her test today, but it didnt work out. I was still happy with myself that I made the effort to ask and put an invitation out there. In the past I would have found that hard to do.
Not much on for this weekend. My friends are out of town/busy, so I will be entertaining myself this weekend. I do have some things to do, just need to keep positive.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Well it has been a quiet weekend, but I feel ok with that. Well I'd love to be busy socially and out having a great time, I am also kind of enjoying time to 'decompress' on my own. It has given me a lot of time to think about things and to relax and rest up.
I have been reading the book The Five Love Languages that everyone was recommending around here. It has given me a lot to look at. After reading, I could almost immediately guess what my LL was, however I find it quite sad that I was so unsure what H's is. I am sure this was a huge problem for us that I never realized. I have a few guesses, but don't know how far off base I am with them and don't know how to find that out. I also was a little surprised to see what my 2nd LL was after answering the questions in the book, I guess I didn't realize just how important it was to me until I looked back.
So with the week starting tomorrow, I'm feeling quite sure H will follow through on his several messages and comments about wanting to meet up at the beginning of the week. I do want to see him, I just don't even know where to start when I do??
H has been sending more emails/texts recently wishing me a good week and other friendly things, maybe I should be making more of an opportunity to use these times H 'reaches out' to me? if that is what he is doing?? I feel like I have backed off so much now in contact with him that I don't know what to say.
I obviously am not going to bring up OW or anything to do with that, eventho I think he part expects it. I guess I have still been torn between thinking if H deserves to have me as a friend/part of his life right now considering he is pursuing R with OW.
But then I have been reading the thread this weekend about how (and if) to be friends with WAS and I can see some good points there.
I guess at the end of the day I have to think, what do I want? I do want to be friendly with H regardless, but I also want respect. Is there a way to do both? I'm not sure. But I would love to hear any suggestions, thoughts or input out there.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
How to be friends with WAS and get respect? Are the two mutually exclusive? Good question.
The thing is, where WAS are involved with OP, they have already thrown respect for M and S out the door. But I think any rebuilding starts with friendship, so you just have to face the facts and move on. You set your boundaries in the new friendship and you will know what you will and will not tolerate. What crosses the "respect"line. I am sure it is different for everyone.
It is hard to know where to start talking when you have limited contact for so long. Start at the beginning (trite, I know) with simple things and build up your rapport. Don't be defensive. Listen with an open body. Don't have set responses to set questions. You have to go with the flow to some extent while not veering off course. No talk about OP. Look so good he will want to cry:) In other words, chill a little...you are cool, you are confident, you have it together. Project that!
Thanks Kara for the response, sometimes it feels like how can I not know what to say to someone I spent the last 8+ years with!? I guess some of it is fear. And one of the goals I made for myself on the previous page was to stop acting out of fear. So I will take that forward. I feel like I can do this.
I liked what you said about starting at the beginning and the other tips...'chill a little...I am cool, I am confident, I have it together.' That is a good point, I feel like I am most of these things now, well or am almost there, the test will be staying that way in H's presence. I think I can do it.
I guess the next step is getting prepared for it. I need to think about where to meet and if H coming to the house is the best idea or if we should pick somewhere more 'neutral.'
I was also thinking I need to think about what I want to say, but I like your point about not having set responses to set questions. In general I know what I will and wont stand for and just need to make sure I speak up and stick up for myself in these situations. I know there will probably be some financial talk, and I feel sure I know where I stand on this and what decisions I have made, so just need to get the discussion out of the way.
And if he brings up the whole text message mix up last week I will just let it roll off my back, bc I am over it in most every way. If anything it makes me a little angry that he thought he could even comment on how I should be handling the situation. I guess that he responded in anger was him showing at least some kind of emotion, rather than indifference.
I think it will help me if I set some goals for my meeting w H, it seems to keep me focused. 1. No arguing 2. No R talk 3. No OW talk 4. No pressure? 5. Be confident and upbeat 6. Look great 7. Stay calm, but don't be a push over, set boundaries if needed.
I will keep thinking on this...
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
