he was back, i think

[lost-n-Iowa]

I like what pm is saying to you too. She has very good advise.

I allowed my H to come back and have been trying very hard to make things work. I see a difference in my H but I am always worried that he will fall back into the same routine that he has always been in. It is hard to know what to do and what choice to make. I am in that boat with you.

I took the advice that was given to me on this site, that if I allowed my H to come back that I needed to set boundries and stick to them. My boundry was that my H needed to tell the OW in front of me (either to her face on on the phone on speaker) that it was over between them and that he was wanting to make his marriage work and that she needed to stay out of out lives and not to have any contact with my H anymore. I thought the same thing that you are thinking too....that it will only push him towards her. I have learned 2 different things.....

1. Don't TELL him to do it, ask him to. My H seemed to waiver back and forth and never would do it, so I thought that meant that he was stringing her along too. In the end he finally told me that since I was telling him to do it then he just felt like doing the oppisite. Men must be wierd that way but I finally asked him.

2. When i finally asked him I did it like this, 'I would appreciate it if you would call the OW up and put her on speaker and tell her this (blah blah blah). If you are not willing to do this for me and our family and our marriage then I can not fully put my trust, respect, or faith in you and your commitment to our M. If you are not willing to do this then I believe that you have chossen her over our M and that we should proceed with the divorce.' I learned here how to stand up for what I believed in, felt strong about it, and laid my fellings out there about what I would not tolerate.

I only tell you what I did so that you may find ways to be strong too. I was very worried that he would get mad at me, which he did. I was very worried that he would walk out the door and choose her over me, which he did. I was worried that he would not come back, which he did come back. And he called her in front of me and told her the things that I had said that I needed him to say to her so that we could continue to work on our M and move forward. IT WORKED!!! I feel great about it.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, keep reading your novel, keep trying if you are not ready to give up. If you want the M then fight for it but do not give up who you are and the values that you believe a M is made of. Don't compromise on the boundries. As hard as it is and as scary as it is, set those rules and boundries and stick to them with all your might. If you feel like renigging in them, come here. Keep your chin up, I am praying for you.