In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Eternal:

Nope, I am an Aries, and while I don't know much about astrology, I do know that this is a fire sign, and I'm defnately fiery and passionate! My H is born Jan 5, I don't remember offhand what he is, but I know that it is much cooler and pragmatic, which is why he can "detach" seemingly much easier than I can.

That sucks about the schooling/money issue. And you are damn right that ANY divorce will most likely cost you 3x $800, because your situation is NOT easy because you have a house and a child. We are in the same sitch as far as it'd be ridiculous to try to sell the house because we already lost so much selling my place (and it took forever), but now I have no where to live other than my parents, and that's not happening.

I've been researching about divorce and it depends how much both of you can agree on as far as how much it costs and how long it takes. Me and my H are in 2 opposing camps on this, and in a community property state as well as a No Fault state, but like most men I've heard about, he's in MAJOR denial that both our incomes are both ours divided by 2, and that this house is 1/2 mine since we merged seperate properties (owned pre marriage) into joint properties (by me moving in here and having him sign all my sale paperwork for my place).

But back to the point, you are totally right, divorce is really super expensive, and that's in good times, now, with the sitch you describe, so many people are staying together/ together longer because they can't afford to move out or pay for a long divorce. Court divorces can easily be 30k APIECE, so the great Divorce 3 pack of books I got from Nolo.com says...and their advice in 2 of the 3 books that I've read thus far is to avoid court at all costs.

I know you said that you don't want to have to stay together just because of the finances right now, but since he says he stil loves you, really I don't think this is a bad thing at all. It just gives both of you a more breathing room and valuable time before you make a major life decision. Like for me, the fact that my H and I disagree (mostly due to his denial of the idea of "Community Property") about how to settle things could be a HUGE issue to me were I to think of it that way, instead I'm seeing this as an opportunity for us to reunite because it will take a lot longer to settle everything.

My friends ex husband was in denial in this state, and all told, from filing to final divorce, it took 16 months, but she got everything she wanted and then some. He just refused to give her what she deserved (And accd to the laws of this state!). I had another friend with a "simple" divorce, no kids, no property, and that took 1 year and cost them each $10,000 each because again, the guy was in denial about what he actually owed her according to the law.

I've already said to my H that I'd rather him, me, or both of us have that $ instead of the attorneys, and he agrees with this. However, like the stupid spouses mentioned above, he still doesn't quite get it yet as far as the fact that the incomes and the assets are split yet, but I hope he does before we waste tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees. I don't have this money myself, so I will have to borrow it from my parents, something I'm not looking forward to doing but have no choice due to the fact I'm not working my regular job for the next month (long story).

Another good sign is that he seems like he is putting your son and his well being first, which is hopeful as far as negotiations go.

It sounds like you are bringing reasonable expectations into this discussion, and trust me, this divorce stuff will give you plenty of material to offer as reasons to hold off on it for now, especially given the ugly alternatives you mention. Try to think of it as a time out for your marriage, and think about the effect in 5 years....because if you get a divorce while still in love and wreck your financial sitch to do so, don't you think one or both of you will have regrets by then? If you do divorce, but have given it more time by staying together, the sitch economonically will be better and you will get more for the house, and both of you will KNOW that this is for the best.

It's a win- win, as I see it, kind of like how the DR has us acting even though we feel like sleeping all day and crying, we are "putting our face on", working or trying to get a PT job (my case), and working out, while smiling and looking cheerful.

Glad I brought a bit of hope into your situation and appreciate the insight into myself and my situation seeing yours offered. I hope your conversation goes well tomorrow. You will be in my thoughts.

Take care.