How would you live if your life was a kayak (only one person in it - you - and you are responsible for your life)?
You are not stuck on his boat wondering how to get off.
You are in your own boat. Your life is yours. Pick up your paddle.
To take a method fro Smileysperson ("Just realize that you are already dead") - just realize that he is already gone from your life.
If he were completely gone, what would you be doing differently? What would you do to make life great for you (and for the kids you are towing )
Yes, he may suddenly look around someday and see what a great life you are having and want to come back, but that is a side-effect. Don't focus on that now.
So you need your own sources of money? Do you need a new job? Do you need new friends? to get out of the house more? to be healthier?
Now of all of that stuff you would have to do to make a great life, picture just the first step - the very first small step.
Now do that tomorrow!
You can do it!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
A&K - I've been reading your threads and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. You had a tough but honest conversation with H today and 'Thinker' has some good suggestions... If your H was gone forever, what would you do differently?
You think actions can surmount those horrible feelings I have related to detachment?
I have felt like I am on Hs ride since our R started.
I am a mostly SAHM and with H away so much, I have been looking for work and working on an online biz that is almost ready to launch.
The overhead where we live now is way too high.
I do not have clarity yet as to where we will go. I have a lot of ideas. Trying to consider area, kids school, my family, where I want to live (I've always wanted to get a bit out of town but got to consider other factors)...
I am trying to breathe and look at each possibility and know that when I'm clear I'll make a move. Not sure how to get that clarity.
But, for now, I am trying to do what I would do without H. Sometimes I really just want to stay still and work on me before making any moves.
I have been very much on my own these past few months (other than when he comes to town and we engage)...I don't mind being alone. I mind my kids suffering and I mind not wearing my wedding ring and I mind the feelings and nightmares. Overall, I'm a tough cookie and I do well on my own.
I suppose if I think of myself as already D...I want my own place and my own life.
A&K - I've been reading your threads and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. You had a tough but honest conversation with H today and 'Thinker' has some good suggestions... If your H was gone forever, what would you do differently?
Hugs!!
Thanks! You think that conversation was ok? It seems to have led to an ok place.
Maybe I need to follow my own advice and stop living in fear of saying or doing the wrong things. Jeezus, he's already gone.
If your H was gone forever, what would you do differently?
This is tricky to me since I am financially dependent. I honestly want time to cultivate something and work toward self-sufficiency. He is supposedly on the verge of big things...we'll see. In the meantime, I am looking and putting it out there and working on my biz.
I'm going to think about this more. I think I am answering too shallowly. What kind of transformation would really happen if H was gone forever? I need to dig deeper to feel that detachment.
Do you think it is unhealthy that I feel entitled after so many years to be supported for a time so that I can cultivate something that I am passionate about?
Yes, I do think the conversation was okay. You're in a super-hard position. Left at home by H while he's off 'living the dream' and there are bills to pay, unhappy children with lots of unanswered questions, and you have to take back control of what you can.
Spend some time thinking about the questions posed... H's kayak has flipped over, he's floating downstream and you can't rescue him!!
What can you do now... act as if he's out of the picture, b/c for the timebeing, he is! Take care of yourself, show strength in your sitch, and just maybe you'll show H that you ARE the woman only a fool would leave!
Do you think it is unhealthy that I feel entitled after so many years to be supported for a time so that I can cultivate something that I am passionate about?
No. No, no, no, no, no. And...no.
Absolutely entitled. Absolutely not unhealthy. The only thing mildly unhealthy would be to EXPECT H to resolve that sense of entitlement for you, instead of being determined to do so yourself.
You know the old Bible thing -- gasp! Heathenic Himself is quoting Scripture! Devils 'n' whatnot, LOL -- give a fellow a fish vs. teaching him to fish?
[@Coach and @SMW and some others will know the real thing -- just a vague recollection of days spent beneath the stern gaze of Fr. Weiss (who insisted on being called "Father Wise," which ought to explain a lot about Smiley's Person to our Good Christian Friends here!)]
Okay, that being said, can we re-frame this sentence: "I feel entitled to be supported" so that it imparts some positive direction for you?
btw -- are you on FB? Are you friend of Kalni's? If so, we might consider having a coffee for giggles and grins one day. I suspect we're closer [on a lot of topics, of course, not in any geographical sense ;-)] than we might think.
) 
Take care of yourself, show strength in your sitch, and just maybe you'll show H that you ARE the woman only a fool would leave!