WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Well here's the plan that I'm working, I started it yesterday, but I'm fine tuning.

To be upfront, I am at grips with the fact that there is no hope to save the marriage. I know we will get divorced. Right now she is not going to change her mind nor is she doing anything to work on herself to let go of her hurt to try to forgive and give us another chance. I know that and am facing that brutal reality heads on.

I am preparing myself to a life without her. I will not be alone as I will have my sons at least 50% of the time and I will figure out financially how to best provide for them - even after she hits me for the $2500/month child support that she will get according to the formula in our state (no fighting it according to my lawyer, as well as a second lawyer I consulted). Crazy as if I gave her full custody, it would only increase to $3000. I make about 50% more than her, but the math still doesnt work in my mind. Go figure.

Anyway, I'm still working through my strategy of letting her initiate contact. When she calls now, like the last two nites for me to say good nite to the kids, I will chat with her. Namely asking her how she is and how her day was going (for example, yesterday, her company was getting audited this week so I know how hectic that is, so I ask how the audit was going). I don't try to pry into anything deeper than things like that. Tonite she said her stomach was bothering her like it was cramps, but she just had them 2 weeks ago so it was way too early. So I tried to show concern and caring that she wasn't feeling well. I will do this after I talk to the boys.

I will then also be the one to end the call with a closing of good nite or we'll chat later (before I would just say bye or if I was done talking with the boys, I would just hang up, unless she jumped on the phone).

Perhaps this is a warmer form of DIM but felt I needed to change something to what I was doing. It didn't feel like it was working. Some people will may think that since she was contacting/calling almost daily, that it was a good thing, but I got the sense she was getting more frustrated/fed up with what I was doing more than her pursuing. I know many will say that they will welcome having their WAS call them, but this wasn't the type of call or tone that I thought was healthy.

Another thing I am going to do is focus on a goal that when I have the boys I will not be thinking about how she is not there and we are incomplete. We are complete now. The boys and us are the new us, at least until a Mrs CIPA joins us, wether it is their mom or someone new. There will be no missing of mom.

It still hurts me. I'm not going to lie about that. I am still sad and struggling, but can't wallow in the self pity or the hurt.

The next thing that I need to work on for me is to forgive myself for what I've done to lead us to this disaster. This is the hardest part for me as every time I see my boys, I'm reminded of what it could have been vs. what it is. My friends tonite gave me the analogy of how it was like I was playing basketball with my boys with my favorite basketball. If we lost the ball, would I just stand there waiting and pinning over how I lost the ball and waiting for the ball to come back while the boys are wanting to play basketball. Or would I go out and find a new ball, even though it may not be my old ball. It could be better or worse, but we will continue to play ball and enjoy our lives. A weird sort of analogy, but it made sense to me.

If the boys do miss their mom, I will be supportive and understanding, but feel like I was too enabling or condoning of that feeling. I want my boys to know it is alright to be mad/sad or whatever about their mom, but don't want them to think it is what to do all the time. Since I've been so wrapped up on that, I think I've exposed them to too much of it.

When I talk to my friends/family, I will wean myself off of talking about my situation or my wife. The last two nites, when I've talked to my friends/family, I will try to close the call with general chit chat about other things that are more upbeat or asking about what's going on with them. This is part of my get a life strategy shift.

When I see my wife I will continue to be upbeat, positive, caring and attentive (so she can continue to see what she will be missing). I am focusing on the approach of I love her enough to let her feel free to do what she wants. While I may not agree with what she is doing, I will not stand in her way. I may not help it either (i.e. sign the divorce papers so it will be over right away).

I'm still struggling whether I can be a good friend with my wife. I love my wife that I want her to be my wife, but do I truly love her enough to be her friend? The flip side of it is how can a friend hurt their family like this. That is the connundrum I am struggling with.

Any thoughts on the friends thing or feedback on my strategy is greatly appreciated.