How Do You Forgive?

[1hope]

I am one that it happened to. I am been thru hell, (as have most of the people on this board) but I truly believe that there is a reason for what happens to us. That said, it still sucks MAJOR big time.

I agree with Puppy. The AD's saved my life, and my doc was a godsend. I also had anxiety attacks (and hives, weight loss, memory loss, insomina just to name a few)and I truly could not breathe. I think I cried every day for 6 months. But I survived, and my marriage is better now than before. It's still work, but work that we are both now willing to do.

Please remember that no matter what happens between you and your H, this is not your son's fault. I'm sure he loves his mom and his dad. This is going to be very hard for him also. You need to be the rock for the both of you.

[eternaloptimist]

Oh, thank you so much everyone. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you for your support today.

H just called me and he could tell by the sound of my voice that something was wrong. I took a spray of my Rescue Remedy (homeopathic stress remedy) and told him calmly that I need full transparency to move forward, no matter what the outcome of our marriage. He did say that he didn't know what to say to me anymore, that there is nothing else he can do to prove or disprove anything. True---he destroyed any and all evidence already. But he still insists that there was no PA only a friendship.

Big sigh...

[Sugar and Spice]

EH...just going to throw this out there, but even if something is deleted from a computer, there are several software options out there that enable it to be recovered. I guess it just depends how far you want to go and what you choose to do.

I personally would contact a professional and get those emails back and report her. No matter what the outcome is, that type of predatory behavior is not appropriate or ethical for someone who has that type of relationship with people. Most people do not enter counseling because they are fine, have no problems and are completely in charge/control of their emotions and faculties.

Also from my perspective, your H is not being honest or forthright with you and his deletion of the evidence tells me there is something to hids. Get the Not Just Friends book and read it. It helps.

[eternaloptimist]

I personally would contact a professional and get those emails back and report her. No matter what the outcome is, that type of predatory behavior is not appropriate or ethical for someone who has that type of relationship with people. Most people do not enter counseling because they are fine, have no problems and are completely in charge/control of their emotions and faculties.

Also from my perspective, your H is not being honest or forthright with you and his deletion of the evidence tells me there is something to hid. Get the Not Just Friends book and read it. It helps.

Thankfully, I do have copies of two emails as a result of pretty good snapshot software on the computer. So I can use them to report her to the social workers' license board in my state. If I can do that and protect my H's identity, I'm going to do it. I have a close friend who is a social worker and she has already offered to help me. H does not want me to report her; he just wants to put this all behind us which tells me he DOES have more to reveal to me and/or his loyalties are egregiously misplaced because she helped him with his grief. He's been guilting me into staying quiet for fear it will affect our family. Well---duh, it already has anyway! I guess he's worried about incriminating himself and getting into trouble at his own job, though he says he doesn't want anything to happen to her kids who are innocent. I've said, well, she should have thought about that before she engaged in this "friendship" with you.

Bottom line for me...if I can expose her with little to no harm to my family...and even if H says I'll divorce you over this if you report her...maybe I don't want to be married to someone who could let this slide?

[1hope]

I see lots of fear and anger coming out of your H. He is making threats that he may, or may not follow through with. If he will divorce you for "exposing" her, he will divorce you anyway.

Only he knows what he is prepared to do.

It's up to you. Think about it. Be calm, and work with your social worker friend. Do not act in anger, and although it is hard, do it for the right right reasons, not for revenge.

From all that you have written, your H seems to be involved with a mental health care professional that has committed a huge ethics breach. I can identify somewhat, because my H was involved with a woman who was a nurse. I was being treated for cancer, and she was trying to "help" him adjust to my illness. Uh huh... eventually I discovered that the "adjustment" process included weekly visits to a seedy little hotel.

When I found out the truth, my H made all kinds of threats. I thought about the kind of person that would do the kind of thing that she had done, and I had no problem with exposing her. It was rough, and my H was "angry", but what the heck, he was angry anyway.

Months later, he said that although it takes 2 to have an A and he is just as much at fault as she is, he felt that he was vulnerable at that time of his life, and she pursued him. It was probably the weakest time of his life, and she was there to be understanding, healthy and sexy. She also had 4 kids and was very unhappy in her marriage. She saw what a wonderful caregiver my H was and wanted what we had. She targeted him, and the man that I thought would always be faithful, my best friend in the whole world, turned into someone that I did not know. Ugh!!!!

From reading all of your posts, I can sense that it is important to you to know the truth about their relationship. It was important to me too. Some people can turn the other way and move on without lifting that rock. I could not. My H feared that telling me the truth about his A would end our M. But it hasn't.

Hold your head up and do the right thing. It won't be easy, but believe me, it will eventually be worth it.

[eternaloptimist]

I see lots of fear and anger coming out of your H. He is making threats that he may, or may not follow through with. If he will divorce you for "exposing" her, he will divorce you anyway. Only he knows what he is prepared to do.

It's up to you. Think about it. Be calm, and work with your social worker friend. Do not act in anger, and although it is hard, do it for the right right reasons, not for revenge.

Hi, 1hope. Wow, the wisdom and experiences ppl willingly share here never cease to amaze me! Thank you sincerely. I feel so grateful to have found this community.

I'm trying very hard to come to a place of acceptance with everything, regardless of ever knowing the whole truth. H keeps now calmly insisting that the EA never became a PA. I can move past that. So I have made a choice to believe him. I know everyone come to acceptance in their own way and time. But confronting the therapist over the weekend, in public no less, was very cathartic for me.

If I report the therapist, it will definitely not be from a place of revenge but rather social justice and doing the right thing. Ironically, social justice is in the social worker's Code of Ethics. H cannot see or think clearly about their "friendship" right now. After meeting her in person, I'm more convinced than ever that she should not be in the mental health profession. She was with her husband smiling one minute and the next flirting with other men. I watched her from a distance and it disgusted me. A person like that with unclear relationship boundaries is in no position to help other vulnerable people. She'll just continue to exploit them.

Thanks so much for your great advice and insights! I wish you peace and hope. (I put a post in the prayers section that you might like to read! It's about hope!)

[GH31]

EternalOptimist,

I think I am kicking him out tonight. The more I read this, the more I feel duped.

I have said this a thousand times to other posters and I will say this to you:

RULE NUMBER ONE - ALL ADULTERERS LIE

It's what they do and it comes as naturally to them as breathing - even if they were honest previously. You must verify independently whether an affair is in progress or not through snooping - get a keylogger installed on the computer and hack into his email. Once you have incontrovertible evidence that an affair is in progress, expose him to your family and his, and expose the therapist.

DO NOT PROTECT ANYONE FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ADULTERY

If there have ever been times when you couldn't account for his whereabouts and if he's been acting weird then you can bet that an affair is in progress and (I'm sorry) that it's almost certainly physical.

Exposure starts the demise of an affair in most cases and takes control away from the adulterer.

After this, demand complete and total no-contact and transparency. People with nothing to hide hide nothing - you'll know if he's sincere.

Sorry you have to be here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Optimist,

I pray for wisdom for you, and for discernment. I know you'll do the right thing.

Puppy

[FightingFit]

People do, EA -- don't do anything rash. Just calmly talk to him, but firmly tell him that YOU need transparency from him if YOU are going to feel trusting in the marriage.

Based on the evidence you've seen, I would think you would need that in order to even move forward. He's going to balk (again), and call you "controlling" and "paranoid" and try to put this back on YOU. COUNT on it.

Stand firm. Say "I know all about you and ______, and it's not only incredibly disrespectful to our marriage, but it's something you and I always agreed was a dealbreaker. I don't know how far it's gone, but what i DO know is that it's gone WAY past the line, and it needs to stop. I"m willing to work on the marriage with you, but not with a third person in it."

And then I'd give him all of five minutes to decide.

Puppy

this is top advice.... idk maybe shes really sorry, all you can do is wait a bit and see... she has to be v afraid of getting into trouble... thats to your benefit... she had a lot of incentive to end this. Your man is probably scared he'd get into trouble to but he wouldnt its HER wrong doing a person in counselling is already vulnerable, really, she is a predator..?

[1hope]

H cannot see or think clearly about their "friendship" right now.

When I first came to this site someone told me that the feeling in an EA is almost like a drug, and the normal behavior and thinking process that you would previously asssociate with your H are just "out the window". That was my experience...my H turned into a complete Alien, the things that he did during that period completely floored me. Interestingly, when some of that stuff now comes up in conversation he has no memory of it at all! Truthfully!

After meeting her in person, I'm more convinced than ever that she should not be in the mental health profession. She was with her husband smiling one minute and the next flirting with other men. I watched her from a distance and it disgusted me. A person like that with unclear relationship boundaries is in no position to help other vulnerable people. She'll just continue to exploit them.

Oh man, you've nailed our OW right on the head! I also respected and trusted her. It about drove me crazy wondering how she could do this thing. Then one day I began to read about the behaviors of a sociopath. BINGO! She exhibits 16 out of 20 traits. It was pretty interesting, and immediately released me from wondering how she was able to do this to me. It also made it very easy for me to expose her.

I also wanted to mention that it sounds like you and your H have been thru some major, life changing events... you may want to read up on MLC. Lots of good articles here and out on the web.