Ya, the thing with my kids just tears me up. But, I'm ok.
So, I thought my therapy appointment was tomorrow and was going to cancel. Turns out it was today so I went. It was ok. I really recognized that this gut-wrenching feeling I have with H is the same feeling I had with bio-dad. Sort of paralyzed and attached and vulnerable. Fight or flight battling it out as I would sort of stare at him and wonder what to do with him. Love mixed with fear and disgust...nice combo. It is not a new discovery. Honestly, I don't really know what to do with it except maybe it is just more indication that I need to detach. I had really started to detach from bio-dad and then he died a horrific death. I can see why I have so much fear surrounding detachment and even the repercussions for my kids as they are having to detach in some ways.
H texted me earlier that he's staying in Europe until Monday now. He's on the verge of "something big".
Just got off the phone with H. I told him that I have almost no money in the account and the rent is due. He said he'll try to figure something out. I also told him that I drummed up some work and deposited it but I'm running out, (not in a whimpy whiny way, just matter of fact).
I told him about how much the kids are missing him and that they are scared to share that with him. He kind of cut me off with "what am I supposed to? I'm 6000 miles away." I told him that I just want him to have some connection to what is happening here. He seemed so aggravated. His mom is "already laying it on" him. I finally told him "I'm not your mother. You need to deal with her if you don't like what she's doing, it has nothing to do with me." He said it just makes him feel guilty. He said "what do you think I'm trying to do here? I'm trying to finally get somewhere so that I don't have to deal with this money sh*t and this is the closest I've gotten to making that happen." I said "I know, I totally get that. I just hope it is worth it. I guess we'll see." He said that it is hard for him too and he misses the kids and yes, he's also having a good time but he is trying to make something happen.
At one point I just said I feel shocked and he asked what I meant and I said that he would separate from me and then just leave me here to deal with the aftermath to which he responded that psychologists he's spoken to have told him that is better for the kids!!!! "Then they'll be used to him being away." I said "interesting because every psychologist I've spoken with says that having to process their parents separating and then subsequently having their dad gone for months on end is harder for them!" He said European psychologists are better. LOL. I told him when he is reading Freud to think of it from the kids' perspectives.
Somewhere in there he told me this is hard for him. He has no where to stay when he gets home. He doesn't know what he is going to do. I said you have choices. He said "oh so this is all my fault?" and I said "no, but you are making a choice and we all choose our own paths, this is what you wanted." He said, I'm not going to come home and then leave again and confuse the hell out of the kids. My decision has been made." I said "our kids have not processed any of this, they still see us as a family." He said that he has spoken to S9 and he gets that we're separated, I told him that S9 is the one who makes references to us being together as a family and that this is no where near processed, we haven't really dealt with anything.
He also said that rock star wants him to come for the entire month of July and he can maybe have kids come for a while...aargh...
People, I don't think it is mind-reading to say there is no place for me in H's rock-n-roll fantasy.
I hate that tone. There's no tenderness, no care for me, no love and certainly no friendship.
I texted him (yep, I'm a "fixer") and just reiterated what my intentions were and that for the kids it doesn't matter if it is rock star A or rock star B or a million dollars, he left this house and now he is gone. And then that I know he is trying to make it and gain some stability etc. blah blah blah...
I don't know how to do this. It just tears me up too much. Did I blow it? Am I just the worst DBer in the world, or did I speak the frickin' truth or my truth or a truth???
I think every time I hear that tone, that total lack of connection to me, it takes me back to my bio-dad...there was a place we would reach where I would just give up trying to be with him or communicate because it hurt too much. I don't know. How do I make decisions for my life and my kids' lives from this wounded place?
