In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Eternal:

Whoa there! You kind of sound like I do sometimes, when I'm checking in with my therapist, kind of unplugging and unloading all the drama that's been happening to you. I'm with you, because it has been a heck of a lot and soon. It also sounds like you are pressuring yourself to see instant results and know exactly what you want to do about everything (divorce, sepearation, etc) immediately. He is also pushing you, with this "Wednesday meeting" thing. I have experienced the same with my H, and it's really bad, because as my therapist explainied, it's a) letting him control me, as he has a big thing about control b) letting his anxiety about things make ME anxious unnecessarily c) pushing me into making important decisions when I'm not ready and haven't gotten all the info I need yet.

So I'll tell you what she told me: first, take a breath and breathe every time before you respond to him, then she suggested I say to him "I am working on myself right now, which will help the marriage, you can do what you want to do, and can file if you need to file (this is when he was threatening me to file divorce constantly) and I will file if I need to file". Obviously, you don't need that last part, but that is what I was dealing with at the time. I find repeating this over and over in my head is very calming and helps me diffuse his anxiety and urgency and keep it from "infecting" me. The point is that while HE may have been giving this a lot of thought, you just recieved this info a very short time ago and most likely still need to process before you come up with what you want to do.

With that in mind, I suggest you do no talking AT ALL during this Wednesday meeting if you don't feel 100% ready for it (not only ready with what you want/feel but feel 100% confident that you can present it in a slow, calm, manner that doesn't freak him out - this is by far the hardest part for me, and it sounds like for you as well), and if he asks your opinion maybe say that you aren't quite ready to give your opinion right now, you wanted to hear him out fully though, and then you will get back to him after you've thought about it more.

You've gotten some great advice here from burt and others, and definatley listen to it.

It sounds like you are definately practicing and getting better, as evidenced by one of the conversations you recently had that sound like they went really well. I agree with another poster that you absoulutely need to make sure no conversations escalate into arguments right now, and if you feel it is, then stop the interaction immediately.

Also, you and I share something wiht our H that is very important, and accd to one poster, unique here, in that our spouses are still willing to say that they love us. I am new here too, but glad to hear that someone else also has that spark of hope too. I think that he can still verbalize it is HUGE, and take solace in that, as well as the fact that he said he is in no hurry to leave (nor is mine, but that's another story and not necessarily because he loves it here and wants to reunite).

So you've got a lot in your favor here, but you need to make sure each and every encounter is positive. As someone living through this as well, I can tell you that I absolutely know how hard that is living the DR, and personally, I slipped up big time 2x yesterday myself, the first time in a long time, but it still didn't get as bad as it had been and I'm getting right back on the horse right now. You need to do the same, no matter how your last interaction went, you need to face this one with fresh, new eyes, not jaded by knowlege of what your H has done in the past, but loving and open.

You wouldn't be here if you too didn't believe in the promise and hope of DR, that you too can not only mend your relationship split, but emerge as a couple even stronger and much more loving. To do that, you will need to bust your butt working harder than you can imagine possible to do this day to day, hour to hour, and it will take 3x as long as you hope it will. You have made me realize something though, Eternal, and it is key we hold onto it and cherish it deep within our hearts...the fact we still have our H saying they love us and are still living with us are really really important, and others here would love to have these advantages but don't right now. For them, as for us, we can't let our impatience (which is understandable) and frustration (again, totally understandable) get in our way of making this work really well. It's not fair to have this big positive in our favor, yet ruin it because we want results immediately, that's really throwing the baby out with the bathwater, don't you agree? Thank you for teaching me that with your example.

Also, good for you that you have your great career and little boy to cherish. Between these things and your hobbies you should have TONS to do to distract yourself from thinking too much about this 24/7.

When you are thinking about it, consider this a case study, like you said, and document the heck out of it as far as watching for the "baby steps" you want to see to show that your H is getting closer to the goals you have written down. If you haven't started a journal to document this and write down your goals for the marriage, do so now! Take advantage of your scholarly prowress to look at this in a more objective manner and you might find it easier to be calm and patient and loving and happy, even when you feel (and frankly they deserve) that you instead want to scream at your H! Keep us informed and good luck to you.