You have a choice with regard to what kind of marriage you want. Your W has a choice with regard to what kind of marriage she wants. Each of you need to decide what you want, communicate it to each other, and then make your decisions on how to work forward accordingly.
Though you are carefully navigating how you handle things *right now* (avoiding pressure, rebuilding trust, knowing yourself and holding onto yourself within your M...,) it is important that you know what you ultimately want with your W, that you find the right time and the right way to communicate it with her, and that you learn what she wishes.
You can try to temper your desire for her, but it will require inauthentic, self-protective behaviors to do so. IMHO.
Another thought... You have been quite respectful of your W's resistance to anything that resembles pressure from you. I worry that you have given too much power to this, and that perhaps too many ideas or actions are being safely dumped into the "pressure" bin. Could you be in a state of paralysis or stagnation because you're working so hard to avoid pressuring her? I am not assuming this. I am merely asking the question to probe for any validity.
I do not think that standing up for yourself and stating clearly what you wish for in your M with your W is "pressure." No matter what has happened, you are her H and the father of her kids. You have a right to your desire and to your dreams.
To me, this: "Things between my W and I are quiet, friendly, and carefully detached. I get up before her and work out. We chat a bit as we get the kids out the door in the morning - friendly. We go our separate ways during the day. We eat dinner together in the evenings after the kids are in bed - friendly chat about the day. After dinner we go to our separate offices. I have been going to bed first and falling asleep right away." sounds empty and disconnected and sad. Somebody's got to break through the wall or this could be your scenario until you die.
Timing is important, of course. I understand that you are still working to win her back.
