Thinker, I see that "preparing for the worst" got you thinking for a while but you seem to be dropping the ball on that out of "fear"? Also, your "preparing for the worst" must of necessity be a "covert" operation whole also being above bode. Work quickly and quietly while you prepare for the worst - I like the 'orangedog' approach - go get covert advice from the best source and pay in cash. Otherwise there's a great likelyhood you will be taken unawares by the WAW and then resort to pleading, etc. Remember she has been thinking D for quite a while and can pull the trigger at any time so you have to protect yourself sooner rather than later/ If any W says the word D at any time I say take immediate covert action. After you have prepared adequately then you can relax a bit with Schnarch, DR/DB, etc. and of course some "hope" but not a minute before.
Then Mrs Thinker initiates ML (and it is surprisingly better than anything in recent years) Suddenly Thinker is hooked.
'Twas ever thus, homez.
Hate to say it, and you already know it, but only YOU can prevent forest fires.
Want to stop the roller coaster? Stop the the rolls in the hay. Yep -- it would suck. But sometimes we have to Embrace The Suck.
At the end, what is it getting you? A fantastic "little death" (as the French say), which covers you for half an hour or so, and then {how many} days of anguish, frustration, and emotional ash-and-trash.
The sex does not appear to be a Golden Bridge. This is why the gods invented separate bedrooms, cold showers, and Cinemax....
There is a lot of talk on these boards about the WAS being addicted to the drug of the A, but I think in my case I am also a junkie, and my W is my drug of choice.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You may be right in my sitch only because in my case I had been stewing over my W's unrealistic view of D for some time prior to discussion, so what I perceived as being calm, may have actually come across as "ha!, you are wrong!..."
I thought I was calm, but maybe not.
At the same time, I still think that my W's initial view of D (Thinker still around providing full financial and child-care support, and Mrs. Thinker otherwise free to pursue new career and love interests without concern for money and without losing any time or love from her kids is completely out to lunch.
I'm sure she's not so stupid as to think that her life as a SAHM will remain the same. She may be acting surprised in hopes that you will go along with keeping up her status as SAHM.
IMO, her perceptions of "ugly" when it comes to feeling punishment or Shadenfrued *could be* separate from her manipulative play to keep her comforts intact.
Thinker, don't know what Da Law is in your part of these United States of Hamericky, but in MY part the SAHM can be "compelled" by the court (i.e., at the request of the earning spouse) to be evaluated by a vocational counselor. The final determination will balance needs of children, availability of alternatives, and earning potential of W. Assuming there will be some percentage of joint custody -- tell me if that's wrong -- even though youngest is 1 there will be opportunities for W to get work. Which means.... So check that out.
Past few days were quiet. We were at IL's and with kids the whole time so there was not much interaction. Now that we are at home, W is off with BFF (went over there with the kids as soon as we got home) and I am spending some much needed time alone.
Musing and Journaling - though open for feedback...
Originally Posted By: Thinker
There is a lot of talk on these boards about the WAS being addicted to the drug of the A, but I think in my case I am also a junkie, and my W is my drug of choice.
I've been spending a lot of time pondering this one over the past days. My feelings really are like those of an addict, and living in constant contact with my addiction is difficult - and is allowing the person who provides me with my fix (periodically, and then withholds...) to control all of the shots.
I am starting to agree with what SP said - Since W is conflicted and I am addicted, right now the periodic ML is not good for either of us.
It is also clear that I can stop it. I can alway say "no" next time...
But that leaves 2 questions:
1) Am I capable of saying "No" in the heat of the moment without coming across as an *ss - I am thinking probably not. I would therefore have to prompt the topic (start an R-discussion) sometime beforehand.
This leads me to question 2:
2) Say "No" for how long? Until what conditions are reached? How would I know when it is right?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, don't know what Da Law is in your part of these United States of Hamericky, but in MY part the SAHM can be "compelled" by the court (i.e., at the request of the earning spouse) to be evaluated by a vocational counselor. The final determination will balance needs of children, availability of alternatives, and earning potential of W. Assuming there will be some percentage of joint custody -- tell me if that's wrong -- even though youngest is 1 there will be opportunities for W to get work. Which means.... So check that out.
Thanks for the feedback.
I think in my case this concern is getting a bit overblown. My W is educated, very intelligent, and her earning power is obvious. Although she is now working a few hours a week to stay in contact with her field, she has not worked full time in quite a few years. I think it is more of a case of her not thinking the D all the way through before proposing it, and then proposing a fantasy based on her discussions with several D'd friends who are either independently wealthy or had very wealthy XH's, and both of whom are now (post D) still full time SAHM's. (Interesting to note that they both also have their kids in full time day-care so they have more time for themselves...)
I am going to go talk to a L so that I can fully understand this worst case scenario (while still hoping that my W will work her way back toward reconciliation from her current "on the fence" position - not leaving, but also not committed to staying working on improving things.)
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
We have been back from our family vacation for a couple of days now. The vacation was good as a family, good for the kids, and we spent a lot of quality time together. It was rather confusing as a couple, and we ended up with a bit of a roller coaster and several unplanned and non-productive R discussions.
By the time we got back I was ready to have some time to myself.
Since getting back on Sunday, I have been focusing on work and on getting back into my workout routine. After taking 10 days off, getting started again has been painful.
Things between my W and I are quiet, friendly, and carefully detached. I get up before her and work out. We chat a bit as we get the kids out the door in the morning - friendly. We go our separate ways during the day. We eat dinner together in the evenings after the kids are in bed - friendly chat about the day. After dinner we go to our separate offices. I have been going to bed first and falling asleep right away.
Minimal interactions, No stress, no R discussions, no physical contact.
I need to work on myself more before I am ready for anything more.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Pondering the idea of friendship with my W. Friendship inside of the marriage. A friendly marriage with no romance, sex, or intimacy.
I think that it is what my W wants - that for now we stay friendly and cooperative without any hint or expectation of anything more.
We have discussed it and agreed to proceed on this basis in the past, but always I was agreeing only because I saw it as a bridge to move forward- something better than the alternative of D, and something temporary until I could get the romance started again. I never really accepted it as a potential long term situation.
Therefore I probably never removed the pressure on my W.
It is probably the best way forward and the best way for us to rebuild, but for it to succeed, it has to be real from my part - not just something I pretend to accept.
It is probably also the best way for me to get some space to work on myself.
But would I be able to successfully stave off my sex drive and the romantic feeling that I have for my W? While also knowing that a permanently platonic R would be unacceptable to both me and my W?
And therefore the question. Am I really ready to move ahead with a completely platonic "friendship" for a marriage. Am I able to do that?
Do I have a choice?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Things between my W and I are quiet, friendly, and carefully detached. I get up before her and work out. We chat a bit as we get the kids out the door in the morning - friendly. We go our separate ways during the day. We eat dinner together in the evenings after the kids are in bed - friendly chat about the day. After dinner we go to our separate offices. I have been going to bed first and falling asleep right away.
Minimal interactions, No stress, no R discussions, no physical contact.
Thinker, that's about where we were on the days prior to me moving out. Now I'm quiet waiting for her move.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
