WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

I don't doubt that she was hurt in the past, but there comes a point where if you want to grow and move on as an ADULT, then you learn how to forgive. Period.

Not only is she not dealing with her hurt herself, she calls you to remind you how much you hurt her. That's not dealing with it. That's just projecting her undealt feelings onto you.

I do agree there has to come to a point in time where you grow and move on. I think they way she moves on is that she shuts them out. That's what she did to her dad and sister and keeps them both at arms length.

I think the big reason for the call on Sunday nite was a follow up to the one in the morning about my 7 year old and what I said about our home (I know it was a mistake). I think what drove the further emotion was her realization of how if I had signed the papers when I was served, the marriage would have been dissolved as of that Sunday. I have told her that I wasn't going to sign them (she had already signed them when she filed) as my feelings about us haven't changed.

Don't continue to beat yourself over it. You're still hanging onto the fact that she doesn't believe in YOUR changes because she keeps telling you that. It shouldn't matter what she thinks. You know they're real, that's all that matters. When she keeps hitting you with that fact, just shrug your shoulders and say "I know they're real" and end it.

The frustrating part of my changes and her is that even on Sunday, she said that she see's how I've changed and feels that I am a better, well rounded, person now that even when we first started dating. Where I get frustrated is that she then jumps into how she's been hurt and doesn't trust being vulnerable with me, which is why she doesn't want to be my wife anymore. So in a sense, she's acknowledged that they are their, but it doesn't matter. Very frustrating.

She comes up with new excuses/reasons why she hasn't gone to therapy or C. It seems like she prefers to blame everything on you and not take any responsibility. Just remember, it takes two. She might have tried to give you "hints" in the past, but let's face it - women don't understand men as much as men don't understand women. We actually had to learn that going through our own messes.

It's like my W. She keeps telling me that she has low self-esteem. so her solution is to dump her old life which she believes was a mistake and start a new one alone. WTH? When you have low self-esteem, you build on what you have and grow stronger, not tear everything down and start with nothing. That's a typical MLC response.

I am sorry to hear about your situation and where it's at. It is very frustating for all of us how our stories are so similar. I was in my small group session last Sunday after church and the two women there were talking about how they were "Compliant" (from the book Boundaries) so they never spoke up about their boundaries and just built up resentment. I jumped over both of them and said why the heck didn't they speak up. I told them my story how mine didn't but if she had made it clear to me, I would have done anything for her. Instead, I went along fat dumb and happy while she just built up so much resentment that she filed for divorce and moved out (which was also their stories). Of course I had to watch my language as this was a small group in church....

You have got to stop living in the past like your W. She is keeping you there. Do you believe you are a stronger and better person than before? If so, then great! You know that and that's all that matters.

Let her stay in the past if she wants to. You can't make her budge from it. Still be nice to her, invite her to things if you wish (just not to everything). Maybe (very lightly) flirt with her to keep things light since she wants you to "pursue" her, just not overdo it.

I think I'm starting to formulate my plan to adjust my approach with her. I'm not going to give up, but know I need to prepare my life without her, as painful as that will make me feel. I'm still going to honor my vow of love, honor and cherish, so I'm not talking about going out to find a woman, but know that day may come when we are officially divorced and I need to make sure I am doing everything not just for my boys but me as well. If that woman in the future is my wife, even better, if not, I will survive and thrive.

I'm slowly digging myself out of this funk.

Thanks for your support and I hope you all the best in yours as well.