OK, Mike (and boys and girls)I was one of the "damn" lucky that their spouse wanted back when I fully detached. And let me tell you something, I did move forward, I did grow (some, I am still young ) and for the most part I was handling this in a healthy for me way.
My H came back when the timing was sooo wrong. I cant even begin to decsribe how wrong it was. It was a little too late almost. I decided for my own personal and moral and whatever reasons to give it a try. And to do that, I gave up a lot.
It did start with a statement from him such as "I didnt realise how much I've hurt you, and I dont want to hurt you again. I know where we went wrong and want to fix this etc etc.". He meant these things and I dont doubt that. During our "piecing", just as FG told me, it became obvious he had NO IDEA what our effort to reconcile involved. I believe, he believed I "was where he left me".
I tried to explain, show and practice all the things that were different. He showed he wanted to, but couldnt. We went to a MC that he felt comfortable with that I believe harmed us. He started IC (with the same C) and stopped. I could see he was eager to fix things for himself but she didnt manage to "keep" him. Or, she expected him to work and he couldnt.
8-9 months later we spend time every weekend since I dont want him move back in the house. 8-9 months later my patience is running out which means that even though I do try not to, I feel resentment building up. This is what fb2 sees and I understand what he is saying. But I feel I was lied to. I went thru hell and I wanted a man equally aware of what being together should mean.
I am in no position to teach him now. This is where endurance and strength comes in. I feel drained. 2 years of this, broke me. I need him to lead, I need him to give before I can give. Selfish? Maybe.
Today, during a talk, he told me he feels like crap. He said he also feels this is a sick situation. He said everytime we have a fight (twice or three times so far) he is questioning our effort. He said he is unhappy. I asked him if a friend asked him "what do you do about it?", he would answer nothing. He said he doesnt know why he cant do anything. He is in square #1 and I am in square #4 (not 10) waiting for him to catch up and he cant and I am getting bored and frustrated and thinking if I should just disappear in the sunset instead of waiting for him for any longer.
Today I asked for time frames. He said he cant possibly set timeframes. He said that since we havent divorced yet, it is a proof there is a lot still between us that is worth sticking to our M. He understands my frustration. When we talk, he is not a a$$hole or mean or arrogant. He is just lost.
Another thing I dont know if some you of realise is that what he "delivers", offers now, is MORE than he he offered me while we were "happily" married before the bomb. And that is what keeps me. No excuses needed, I dont feel I need any, just want to explain a little bit what is going in my head. I am asking him to create a marriage with me, while for years I let him get away with a marriage where he offered VERY little. I am pushing and pushing (actually just by holding on to my needs)and he is lost. He was NO idea what he is supposed to do. He hears me talking, he agrees, but he has no idea how to implement these things in our day to day life. How can I expect him to know? That's why I keep telling him, with details, basic stuff again and again.
Today he said he wanted us to go on vacation together to be "outside of the work routine and relax". That showed how "amateur" he is with this. He thinks things "would get better". I tod him I would need to feel closer to him to go on vacation together.
A year ago I would be eager and happy to show him, lead, "teach". Right now... I cant. I am not able to. I look inside and find no mojo left for this kind of effort. the rest of my life is ok, I just cant get myself excited about investing again in a relationship with H.
It is easier for me to give up and turn the page when someone doesnt want me. With 2 kids and H saying he wants us to reconcile, it's very hard to decide not to.
He is not stalling. If I said I want out and I am sure about it, I believe he would accept it and we would be friends. He would just admit "defeat".
Today I told him that I see him focusing on the kids while he knows that was never a problem with us. That he needs to make a concious decision to work here with me, willing to overcome himself, more than once probably. He listened to me. He didnt attack or smoothered me. He expressed he feels like he is "in between worlds" being with us on weekends, alone during the week and not in tune with me. But...
There is an end though. And thru DBing I have accepted that things change and end. And I am not naive or stupid. I listen to everybody here but I think with my heart and head. I vent, I complain, I get frustrated but I know I could end this in a minute. But I choose not to. Yet. When you guys tell me you would file, part of me agrees with you. But as long as there is another part stronger still, I will not. K
PS fb2, Coach and Greek, like many of the couples reconciled here, didnt separate for long and there wasnt a long torturous drifting part process. I cant relate to them at all. I know the story. I followed it. I cant find the unconditional lobve inside me and our M has shaky a long time before the bomb. There is huge gap between us. I tend to believe that people reconcile in the first 6-8 months before a lot of damage is done or after many many years where the relationship is actually completely new.
) and for the most part I was handling this in a healthy for me way.
