WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

So, what does fighting for my wife mean?

Good questions. What does "Fighting" mean?

Lots of things:

- Deciding no matter what that you are going to fight for your marriage

- Ignoring the words and focusing on his/her actions

- Ignoring family/friends telling you to give up. It's over!

- Putting your kids welfare first no matter what. "Fighting" for their STABILITY and SAFETY.

- "Fighting" your own PRIDE. Not letting resentment or hurt get in the way of your main GOAL of getting your WAS back.

- Not being afraid to EXPOSE the affair. She got mad when I first spoke with my family and her sister about it so I backed off. Should have got evidence and gone to her Insurance agency Director and tell him what this SOB of a mentor was up to. Convinced myself that it didnt matter anyway. That if she didnt want to be with me then it would be some OM. Not true. Should have EXPOSED. Although, because I was NICE and DBing she didnt fight for support and we both have Joint Physical Custody which is better for our D3.5.

Looking back at my M. Did I fight? Yes. Did I fight as hard as I could? I'm not sure. At some point I think I let my pride get the best of me.
Fine she is not going to admit that she is having an affair. Forget it!
Fine she is not going to take any responsibility for our marriage being broken. Fine forget it!
Fine. She doesnt want to be with me. Fine forget it!

I can look back and know that I fought for my M. I tried being nice for the first year and DB my heart out, but when she continued the A w OM and didnt want to take on any of the responsibilities that we both had acquired (bought 6 rental properties. Signed 7 30 yr mortgages. She didnt want to deal with them anymore. Wanted me to take on all the responsibility. She wanted to focus on her new insurance business that she had started and was being mentored by her OM. Who, ofcourse, when questioned, was just a friend.) So yeah, eventually, I gave in and stopped taking on everything in order to save the M. I stopped ENABLING. stopped her CAKE-EATING. She just got meaner. Was used to me being a DOORMAT - Duh!!

Anyway, I digress. This is what I mean "FIGHTING FOR YOUR M".

PMA

PMA_Baby!

Thanks for the quick response. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I am glad that you have continued to stay on to help others.

So I guess in my case, what is fighting for my wife?

Seems like the first few bullets is stepping up to not give up. I know I've sounded like I was wallowing/waffling on continue to try. I know in my heart, that if I do give up and stop trying, I will never be able to look my kids in the eyes knowing that I did not do everything I could to bring our family back together. I don't know how she does it knowing that she gave up, but I imagine her coping skills is making her shift the blame entirely on me. That she did everything that she could and that I didn't step up.

So now that she sees that I've stepped up and working on it, I'm taking that excuse away. Maybe that's why she keeps trying to guilt/blame me. Who knows why she keeps calling. I know I can't waste my energy trying to find out.

I do have to figure out how I respond/react when she does.

I guess this is where fighting for my own pride/boundaries comes in and perhaps even fighting my fear of exposing her lack of letting go of the hurt and/or forgiveness. In the back of my mind though, I think she knows that she's not letting go or doesn't know how (at least that's what she said in the phone call 2.5 weeks ago that started me in this backslide). Again, she just not doing anything about trying to let go of the hurt.

So if she's not going to let go of the hurt, just as she has done before with her dad and her sister, then what??!?!

Do I continue the fight to show her that I have really changed? I know the best way to do that is exactly that, just do it. Don't talk to her about it. Do it. Live it.

Unfortunately, the changes I've been trying to make is diametrically opposed to the DB/DR Dark/Dim (sorry Sandi) approach. Of course, I had shown her all those changes and she still moved out. I thought it was because it was too much for her to deal with so she needed her time/space to sort it out. As well as possibly escape it when she feels it was too much. I don't know, but this has been my connundrum since she moved out. Do I continue with my 180 and show her that I have changed and am attentive and loving or do I go Dark (as suggested by DB/DR, my coach as well as my therapist)?

I had tried Dark and the responses that I had gotten was that I was mean/cold. I tried to adjust my approach of being warm and attentive when we are together as a family (which we have had a lot of over the last 2 weeks - 5 days) but still Dark (just business) when she calls/emails/text about tactical matters. When she calls all upset/emotional, I made myself emotionally there for her. Now it seems I have done that at the expense of my own hurt (allowing for hope). I guess I wasn't giving (emotional support) without expecting anything in return (hope). I guess this is where the detachment and dropping the rope comes in.

So in my fight for my wife, does that include being there as a friend for her? Even as she is hurting me and our boys. Do I have the strength, love and compassion to do that? Without expecting that she will come back to me as my wife? Is that the next battle front to this fight in my situation? Does that make any sense?