I am sorry for what you have gone through...I apologize to you and to anyone else that may feel offended regarding my remarks about physical intimacy. I assure you and Ian that K knows that I do not think there is anything wrong with her. I am just curious Twink, please do not feel pressured to respond if you are not comfortable. Have you reconciled with your H and what was his "problem"?
First off I think I have supported Maria here and elsewhere for longer than you know. If you are close to her please feel free to ask her. I have always tried to take her husband's point of view in our discussions together. However, for you to tell me what my job is and what I should or should not be saying and furthermore to insinuate that I think like a college kid borders disrespect and reaks of arrogance, my friend. I will stop here because I refuse to stoop to your level. I have never knowingly disrespected anyone here or anywhere else for that matter by reducing myself to calling other people's opinions "bullshit".
In the meantime Ian, why don't you enlighten us on some of the possible reasons why a man who is trying to reconcile (for the last 7 months) with a woman he claims to love can not show his affection physically or otherwise. Continues to ignore his wife's requests. Seemingly cares more about his two jobs than his family. Calls her very seldomly and is not in tune with her financial needs and that of their children? Is that enough "how could he crap" for you? Because I have more.
John, it wasn't meant to come off disrespectful. You asked me a question and I answered it honestly. Read my posts, it's what I do.
I also didn't say you think like a college kid, I said college kids generally have a higher libido than older men. Understand the points I was making and try not to take them so personal.
I also didn't tell you what your job is, I in general told everyone what IMO is needed here. Look at my recent posts to K, I have been pretty steady about people needing to offer her more support. Your relationship with K is what it is. I do not know whether you have supported her or not, what I know is what you wrote in that particular post was not helpful and could cause damage so I merely pointed it out. Constructive criticism can be very hard to take, but it is simply that and nothing more.
By the way, I agree with you. I come off as
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reaks of arrogance
to a lot of people so I apologize if it came across as crass. I simply have been following K throughout her journey and am a bit protective because I think a lot of people just don't understand what she is dealing with in her own heart and mind.
I think I covered the why he isn't making advances in my initial post. If I could diagnose it down to a simple answer I would be making a boat load more money than I do right now. No one has the answers for MLC.No one understands cleanly what goes on with the spouse when they are lost. What I do understand is there is an underlying issue that prevents him from being affectionate. What i do understand is this is his issue and not Maria's. What i do understand is that men can be in bed with someone, even someone they truly love, and not be affectionate. It happens dude, in fact has to many people on these boards.
I also think you are wrong in saying that he is trying to reconcile. He is stalling for time, has been for a very long time, much longer than 7 months. He's ignored his wife's requests since day 1. Has openly admitted his addiction to his work and how he believes that his work defines him. He has been the same financially throughout as well.
Read back to some of my posts to K, I speak to this a lot. I have asked her if she really believes he can be the spouse she wants or not. I shoot straight with her and keep it real. I acknowledge her efforts are simply because of the kids most of the time.
Read my post again John, look at the core issue that I pointed out. Take some deep breathes and really absorb what I said. If it really doesn't make sense to you and you think I am just being a dick, then so be it. I stand behind that post.
I was not offended, J210. No worries there. I was just happy to hear someone acknowledge that some men do lose interest in PI. We are older than most here, but I am not dead :-)!
No, we have not reconciled. He said his "problem" was my weight, but everyone, including my IC, looks at me and says that's an excuse for other issues. So I really don't know. My thread is in MLC, which is what I see right now.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Hey guys, I was saddened to read heated posts here this morning. Between my favourite Casanova and sweet Ian (yes Ian you are sweet even when you are blunt).
I didnt take John's comment as if something is wrong with me. I know John thinks there is something wrong with H
Jeff, I think we have established that a long time ago, your W has a few things in common with my H...
Mish, file? I will post some more later and you will see what is keeping me.
Rob, he doesnt believe in himself much. At least that's what the IC told him. I was amazed by that because he is one of the people that always feel good in their skin and seem to never question their lives and "surroundings". But I guess him walking out on me,prooved the opposite...
Twinks, my H always used to tell me when I complained that "he is not like those men that think of sex all the time". And he never watches porn, makes crude comments about women, or made sexual comments to me, grabbed me, initiated often or anything like that. Our sex life has been nice and loving for me but pretty dull and with no excitement. Which is typical for him overall. I cant think of anything he is passionate about.
Hon, it is so hard to have any relationship without the PI. I'm not going to lie, it is so hard to ever imagine my H will actually go to the doctor for his ED/possible low testosterone. Sometimes I wonder why I'm holding on.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I hope your day has been full of sunshine sweetie!
Sorry I was so blunt yesterday, I just hate seeing you in so much turmoil and pain and desperately want you out of it. You know what is best for you of course. I'm interested to hear what is holding you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"BS!!! fb2!! What exactly do you mean? You may have forgotten ..."
K, Yes I'm full of it and maybe getting a bit old and forgetful and it must be so frustrating for you. What I mean is that YOU are really not giving it 100% (forgiveness included). You have done a LOT but you are still stuck. I think bashing your H is counter productive and so is cheering you on to "file". I suggest you ask for help from a husband and wife team on here 'coach' and 'greek' so that you may get a more balanced perspective and that you turn to God for more guidance. That's all I have for now.
kalni.....I understand where mish is coming from. This forum is a very dangerous place. It is great in the beginning....around the time of the bomb. It opens your eyes. It helps stop the hemorrhage. It shows you some techniques to help you on your way to grow.
After this period of time, this forum can lead you down a bad path. It can keep you in a state of denial and holding on to a rotten apple.
This is not a criticism, Kalni, but, if you choose to stay with a man who doesn't care...doesn't show you respect..has NO interest in maintaining a healthy marriage, then, the day to day negative posts will just continue. Day to day positive posts about YOU are better and the pathway to total detachment from a WAS. They don't suddenly come home one day and say, "oh honey...what a fool I was...I love you just like I used to."
I try to be very careful to keep my own sitch from tainting my advice to others. But..I DO believe that if one chooses to stay and live in negativism...whether it be from fear, uncertainty or a decision to stand...you must find a place where you will be emotionally happy and free from the ills that the other person will try to inflict on you, whether it be intentional or otherwise.
I believe the majority of people who make their way to 'Piecing' are those that cut their wayward spouses loose and move on without them.
JMO.
Stay strong.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
kalni.....I understand where mish is coming from. This forum is a very dangerous place. It is great in the beginning....around the time of the bomb. It opens your eyes. It helps stop the hemorrhage. It shows you some techniques to help you on your way to grow.
I agree here 100%...and I agree with Mish..I'd file..I'd file today...
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After this period of time, this forum can lead you down a bad path. It can keep you in a state of denial and holding on to a rotten apple.
I agree here also..it happens all over this board...WAS's with one foot in and one foot out the door and LBS's holding onto any thread of hope they can find..forever...and I don't see that as healthy at all..
Quote:
I believe the majority of people who make their way to 'Piecing' are those that cut their wayward spouses loose and move on without them.
and i think that's they only way.....and then you have to be damn "lucky" in order for them to come back..it's a crap shoot..
