WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Unfortunately, I see a lot of similiarities in your Sitch w mine and my X. YOU cant force someone to CHANGE or WORK on themselves. YOU CANT force someone to FORGIVE. We all have FREE WILL. Until she chooses to FORGIVE and MOVE ON for herself she will be STUCK. I DONT see her doing this for awhile. She is still in DENIAL. She is living in a fantasy world. I think it's time you wake her up. I think you should write her a letter saying everything you just said. Stress how you were BLIND and DIDNT GET IT. Then say, but you understand her feelings and how you cant have a future together if she doesnt TRUST YOU and work towards FORGIVENESS. I think it's time you called her bluff and be prepared for it to go all the way which doesnt mean you won't end up together. I just dont see her making any movements either way while "stuck" in her holding pattern.

I could be completely wrong and may be told Im stupid for suggesting it, but I cant stop how I feel after following this story from the beginning. Like I said I can relate to a lot of the same issues. Although, my WAXW had an OM that she never even admitted that was just a close friend. Even though they are now outwardly dating after our D. Hopefully, you are NOT dealing w an OM, but you might still be surprised later in one form or another.

PATIENCE is definitely a virture and requirement when in DB mode.

PMA_Baby,

Thanks for your insights. I still don't believe there is someone else in my situation, but I can never be 100% certain. I hope that if I am surprised in the future, I will be stronger at that point so it will not derail me.

I don't see her forgiving and do know that in the case with her dad and sister, neither one of them tried to get her to forgive. Neither one of them made an attempt to re-establish the trust or relationship. At least not for about 15 years. Her sister had talked about it over the last 2 years, but haven't made any effort to do so, nor has my wife.

But I dont see time being a factor with her in her current "stuck" mindset. She might want you to FIGHT for her. Like Sandi said, she's not exhibiting the "typical" WAS behavior. I could be wrong and she might eventually come around in a year or so, but I dont see her working on her FORGIVENESS and TRUST issues. Until she does then nothing CAN HAPPEN.

In your situation, did you try and FIGHT for your wife? And what do you mean FIGHT for your wife?

I think to prepare to fight for my wife, I need to get a life, detach, drop the rope, re-establish confidence and forgive myself. I'm trying to do these things. It is a struggle and I definitely have my ups and downs, as well as progress with backslides. I am starting to feel like I'm beginning to recover from my latest backslide/funk. I'm feeling a little better and will take my therapist's suggestion of focusing on a short term goal of having a great time with my boys and making sure nothing about this situation prevents me from enjoying that time.

So, what does fighting for my wife mean?

I'm toying with the friendship (Coach started an interesting thread on this) piece of it but not sure if that's what you mean by fight.

Or is it courting/wooing her, not a high speed pursuit, but a stealthy pursuit.

Any thoughts? I know this is so anti-DB/DR but my wife is really confusing as she doesn't exhibit the "typical" WAW behaviors.