Miss the guy that is trying to break up your family? Hey, it is time to let him go, turn your back on him and treat him just like another person that you have just met. I know that is easier said than done, but it is imperative that you detatch, it is the way to be a better you, for yourself and your two children.
I use this one a bunch, but it really does apply, have you ever chased a dog, he will run and run while being pursued, but once you turn your back and walk away, he starts to follow you.
The waste product of this little chemical reaction, many times is a spouse that comes back, the main product is a better you.
Burt
Well said dburt!
However, those feelings of missing him, they just have to move through. They can't be suppressed or judged or denied. You have to know that you can have them AND move forward. When you think about not missing someone, you are still thinking about them...I mean you just have to focus on other things and moving forward.
I miss a man who is acting like a flippin' moron. Most of us here miss people who are behaving unfavorably (understatement). I think it has to be ok. Just a feeling that comes and goes. It is ok. Real detachment seems to rightfully take time. I guess we fake it til we make it but expecting to detach fully and eliminate the feelings early on I think is a lot of pressure to put oneself under. Watching people on these boards, I see that it takes time for the feelings to match the behavior.
I agree that it does take time, and it takes more time for some than it does for others. But using some cognitive techniques like dburt mentioned can certainly help while this necessary time passes.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I agree that it does take time, and it takes more time for some than it does for others. But using some cognitive techniques like dburt mentioned can certainly help while this necessary time passes.
You can journal the good and the bad equally. It doesn't all have to be the positive stuff. You hurt and this is perfectly normal.
Just remember the phrase, I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry you are feeling like that. That is empathy without taking anything onto yourself. We all have choices to make and right now his stinks. : )
Do you want H to take the kids on the 4th? If you don't say you have alternative plans. Going along meekly won't make him come home.
The roller coaster is the hardest part to get through. I promise it does get better.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Needless to say, the hard part for me now IS the rollercoaster. I keep telling myself that him texting me about his looking at our old pics and being a family and providing for me was a HUGE insight into what I have been thinking about re: his reasons for leaving. I KNOW we are up a creek financially and I think that him leaving has alot to do with that. And even though it doesn't make sense...(we are more screwed financially now that he's left)...it makes sense that he is trying to run from the guilt for the position he has put us in. So, I have been hoping for a sign that he is coming around and instead of taking it as one...it makes me worry why he isn't just showing up and saying I WANT TO COME HOME!!! Ridiculous I know. This is the rollercoaster we speak of. Highs and lows. I know...time, patience, patience and MORE patience. The good news is that I think I am doing really well acting "as if". It is working as far as him showing a degree of interest...so I have to hold onto that and keep movin' forward.
Do I want to let him have the kids for the 4th??? No, but one of my DB goals was to have him initiate involving me into the plans. Alot can happen in a month, but I am going to make plans with my kids without him. I can hardly handle giving them up for the weekend much less a holiday that we always of course spend together as a family. Sometimes I wonder if he says stuff like that just to upset me...
So far for the week I am going to set my goals...just to get thru this week alone.
1)Consult an attorney.
2)Make a decision on where to live.
3)Workout everyday.
4)spend more quality time with my girls.
5)try to stop my negative thoughts.
Thanks for the insight guys. Bear with my non-PMA...it will come back I know it!!!
Thanks for the insight guys. Bear with my non-PMA...it will come back I know it!!!
Nicole,
You don't have to stop them. You can think them and then calmly ask yourself what to do with the thoughts. Not every thought and action has to be acted on.
I recommend you take note of everything around you. The sunrise, the taste of wine, flowers, the kids. Be observant and think about the things you see.
Go fishing, go camping, do something. Go and do and experience (even if what I suggest isn't your cup of tea.) The idea is to get out there - there is a big world out there.
Every day make a list of what you are going to do that day. Keep busy. Always make a plan, but include time to relax and have fun on every list. It is ok to fake it until you make it.
You are early in this process and you don't know the game plan yet. Its good he is looking at photos. Let him be sad. But let him figure out what he is going to do with the feelings.
You want him to come home more than anything, but you want him to do some growing, and you need to grow, before that happens.
The most important thing is to have patience with yourself. None of this seems natural and it will take time for it to.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Ok...so, I just checked one thing off of my goal list already...
#1) Consult an attorney.
I just had a phone consultation with an attorney who specializes in military sitch's. She told me that I was probably already getting more than what I was entitled to, even after I find a new place to live.
Consult more than one attorney. This one may not be right.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thank you Wifey... I already made my 2 do list for today! I am definately faking it today, but tht is OK! I think about this alot...and often wonder..if he did tell me he was coming back today...would I want that? I DO think we both need growing, otherwise what is the point of all of this? There HAS to be a good reason. Thank you for reminding me that I am early in the process. I know that although it seens like the last 2 months have been more like years, it is a long process, and will not change for the better over night. I really appreciate your input...it really helps. Thank you, n