How Do You Forgive?

[eternaloptimist]

Personally, I think people who are on the defensive like that have something to hide.

When my H came clean and wanted to work on things he became 100% transparent and has remained that way. He has never asked me to destroy communications to do with the A and he was 100% helpful....in no way aggressive.

If you H wants to work on you and your M then why should he care what happens to the therapist? It's you he should be worried about. If he and the therapist did nothing wrong then why hide any of it and not discuss it?

Hi, thanks for your post. Hmmm...yes, something to ponder but it only put me back into emotional chaos. Wish that I had had those responses from him. He did buy me a single rose and when I found out about the therapist, he followed me all over the house like a puppy, wanted me to sleep in the same bed with him (he's slept in the guest bed for 2 1/2 yrs now b/c of a sleep disorder and my snoring), and we even made love b/c as he says, he thought it might help us to reconcile.

He doesn't know if he wants to work on the marriage. That is the kicker! I think his aggressiveness has been b/c of this as well as guilt that he hurt me, but not the kind of guilt that would come from a true PA or EA. He still insists that he didn't want anything more than a friendship from this woman, though some of his actions contradict that don't they?

The reason he doesn't want to get her into trouble is b/c she has three kids. He doesn't want her kids to suffer if she loses her job. My C says, "Well, what about you and your son?" I think H is also worried that it will just escalate into a lawsuit or who knows what. He used his work email and phone to contact her, etc. I think also b/c he was going to therapy appts. during the work day. So there are some other things, that if we were to pursue this, might get my H into trouble with his job. In his mind, just putting this behind us (easier for him!) is the best course of action.