WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

I think what sandi means by calling her bluff isn't to be the first one to sign the papers. Just do what you're supposed to have been doing all this time...GAL.

Right now every interaction you have is with your W and how you should act or not act around her. And she calls ALOT! So, you need to detach more. More meaning not to let her suck you into her way of confusion.

Stuck - that makes more sense to me. I had been down trying to go down that path, but the phone call from 2.5 weeks ago really pulled me off the path. That was the first one since she moved out where she called to say that she still felt hurts and knows that she needs to see a therapist to move on before we could go back to counseling. It gave me hope. I see it was false hope.

There is no "hurt". Because if it was that bad, then she wouldn't be calling you to begin with.

I do think there really is hurt. I'm afraid that part of her call on Sunday was to try and make it hurt less by creating closure by telling me again that she doesn't want to be my wife as she can't trust me to be vulnerable again. When we chatted lightly yesterday, I had mentioned that I didn't get much sleep after the conversation. She said that she slept ok (I interpret that as a sense of relief) but said that she looked crappy from crying so much.

The part that adds to my sadness is that I think she is calling me because she know's I'm hurt and still genuinely cares about how I am doing. She wants me to be good as she still cares and seems to have feelings for me as a person, friend, father of the boys. Just is afraid to allow herself to have feelings for me as a husband.

This is the healing that I think she needs to go through. To be able to trust someone again with her heart. Not because she is waiting for me to come back (like her mom did with her dad), but because the hurt/pain was so great, she doesn't want to experience it again.

I still believe that she didn't want to hurt me or the boys. It's just that the pain was to great for her to bear. I pushed her past the limit and she is broken emotionally. As I am now. We both wanted happily ever after. I thought I had it, at the expense of her's. Now neither one of us have it. I want her to have it because she is very important to me, but she doesn't want it from me. I want to have it and know that I can find it. I just have to find the strength to do it.

Trust you with what? She trusts you with the kids, she trusts calling you, for god's sake, she trusted you touching her before she left. She has no idea how a "wife should love her husband" because she doesn't know. It probably stems back to her childhood where her mom was waiting for her dad to come home all those years. She was probably waiting too and was expecting him to be this perfect Prince Charming to her mom. Well she's looking for that in you and no one can ever live to such a high expectation.

She actually had said much of that when we talked on Sunday. She said that she trust me with the kids and knows that I am and will always be a great dad. She says that even now when I touch her (I stopped trying to hug her a long time ago, but I do non-sexual touches when we are together), she just says that she doesn't feel anything. She said that when I used to touch her in bed, pre-bomb, she would be ready instantly. The same as when I used to put my arm around her or held her hand. Unfortunately, I did all of that less and less as I got focused on the things, than the moments. She wanted me to do those things more often, rather than just providing things.

She said I did all of these things when we dated but shortly after we got married, I started doing it less and less. I was her Prince Charming but I turned into an emotionless ogre.

I think the high expectation she has of me know is just her sensitivity to being hurt again. Even before she moved out, I had noticed how "jumpy" she was when certain things would happen. I had asked her about that and she said that in the past I would over react and make her feel worthless when she did something that she felt that I didn't approve. She wasn't used to how I was accepting and didn't get mad/upset about things being very rigid.

My therapist says that was part of the mild depression I was struggling with. As I had issues dealing with stress so I shut down emotionally, any deviation from the norm resulted in an overreaction. I never hit or yelled at her, but she felt that I would put her down and make her feel worthless and that I didn't love her.

The only reason I think it's an MLC is because according to the research, that's the time when men and women re-evaluate their lives and even come to grips with un-resolved issues in their childhood.

During that period, they get emotional (cry, angry, depressed, etc.) because they don't understand what's going on inside them. Think of a teenager. Some have a ton of angst, others are passive, while others discover what their limits are. It's the same way with MLC and I see your W going through all that.

Fact is you can't analyze her because she doesn't understand herself. Only thing you can do is hold on while she goes through this journey alone. You can, however, gently guide her in the right direction if you do it in the right way.

Sandi's been great at helping me with that.

I know all I can do is try to guide her to heal herself. I can't do it for her. It's an interesting dilemma as I know I can add to her hurt, but can't do anything to remove it. I want to go through this journey with her, but know I can't. That's where I do feel powerless at times.

This is where I, since reading Coach's thought of being friends with a WAS, have been rethinking my position on that. I do love my wife. I do want what's best for her. Isn't that the key elements of being a friend. The connundrum is how do I deal with what's she's doing now? I know a friend would not do something as hurtful as what's she's doing to our family. However, the compassion piece is that I feel she doesn't want to hurt us, it's just that the pain/hurt was too much to bear.

I know I need to detach, drop the rope and get a life so I will be the best for me and the boys.

But what to do about my WAS? Do I love her enough that I can be a friend.....