WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Just breaking up my post as it was getting very long...

I don't mean to be offensive and I hope you understand that part. I am just saying that it sounds like it would be a very unhealty R to stay with her as she is now. She needs to understand how much she needs help......and to go get it for herself. She needs to stop expecting somebody else to "make" her happy.....especially you! Do I make sense or am I talking in circles? I realize that it is very easy from my end to give out this advise and not have to travel the path. All I can do is throw it out there and you take it or leave it. My personal thoughts about it all is that there may be "hope" after a D, but I don't see a lot of it now. In time, she may come to see how wrong SHE has been in all of this--and other relationships as well. Hopefully, she will seek out the therapy she needs and mentally and emotionally heals to a much stronger person.

I do appreciate the frank, honest assessment. My therapist and friends have said soemthing very similar. It is hard to hear, but it takes true friends to tell you things that are very important, even if they are what you want to hear. Thank you

In the meantime, you need to think about you and your sons. You need to get a real life for yourself. You know what you will have to do in order to accomplish that, don't you? That means that after the D she cannot continue to hang onto you and whine and cry and blame you with all her sadness. I will bet you that is exactly what she will do after the D b/c that is who and what she is! It is up to you if you want her to drag you down with her or if you decide that it is more healthy to back away and detach from her......drop the rope.....and consentrate on your life and your sons. As I told you almost in the beginning.....I think both of you are co-dependent on each other and I don't see this as a healthy relationship.

I had been hanging on and hoping for hope because of my boys. Perhaps you are right, the best thing for them may be for me to truly drop the rope and get a life for myself. I need to be in a position to decide how she will be in it.

I need to get back focused on working on myself. There is not a marriage or relationship right now with my wife to be worked on. I have to accept the brutal facts as all that is gone now. I can work on myself and the relationship I have with my boys.

Whatever happens, you will still have us here to try to encourage you along the way. There are many, many people here on the board whose M's did not make it......but THEY made it. See the difference? This board is about helping people through a really bad time but coming out as a whole person and being stronger and getting on with their lives. Many of those people stay here on the board to help others. Do not feel that you have failed b/c this has not been a one-person R. It takes two to make a R. You have tried.

I do appreciate all the support, encouragement and 2x4's that I get from the people on this board. It really amazes me. I do not believe I would have a chance to make it without the people on this board. Thank you so much.

It does not work for you to try to give her the attention NOW that she once wanted. I realize that you may not understand that, but it is what it is. As she said, it is too late now for you to try to be what she once wanted. She would not have those feelings at this time....that she once desired. That is why I kept telling you to detach and drop the rope.

I know detaching and dropping the rope is what I need to do. It is hard and I really struggle to find the strength to do that. I know I can frustrate many people on this board as everyone has been telling me the same thing of what to do but I just can't do it. I keep slipping back. That's where the 2x4's really do help. They prop me back up and help support my walls to get them straight and strong again.

Maybe she has her mind made up......or maybe she is wanting to see if you will go through with the D--or beg her to stay M to you. Perhaps she just wants to see what being single is like. Some depressed people think that their S is causing all their problems so they will ditch the S and their lives will be happier. When she sees that doesn't work.....then she will probably want to go back to you. I can't see her not hanging on and continuing doing exactly what she is doing now......but I may be wrong.

I guess the only person who knows all that besides her, and I have some doubts whether she really knows what she wants, is GOD.

Okay, say she is not bluffing. Of course she will be hurt....whatever you do! Don't you get that? You will not be able to do ANYTHING right! She has you over a barrel which ever way you turn. She uses that excuse of "being hurt" all the time. Aren't you getting sick of it?

She had said that was one of the two reactions she expected from me when she filed. The other would be I would get so angry that I would be violent (where I have NEVER been violent and only raised my voice less than 5 times in the 12 years we were together). She was totally not expecting that I would want to work on it as she felt I gave up loving her years ago. She said that she thought about withdrawing the divorce when I told her that I wanted to work on it, but said that she was just too afraid of getting hurt again.

Now, read this quote again. Do you see what I am saying? You can't win with her no matter what you do. She has said that herself. The last part of what she said is why I thought she was playing games with you. She is on again.....off again. You can't win. How could you win when dealing with an emotionally unhealty person? I pray that she will seek the help she so despartely needs.

I actually started feeling this way a couple of years ago and I called her out on it. I had told her that I felt that no matter what I did, she would find fault. I think that was when I started shutting down/backing away from her because I was getting frustrated. I didn't realize that was what I was doing back then. I see it now and how it added to her hurt and drove us further apart. I didn't take the time nor had to skills to really work on what the true problem was.

I do now and I guess I must accept the fact that it may be too late.....

I apologize if my post sounds cold b/c I do not intend for it to be so. I am trying to be realistic with you and hope that you will look at the sticth as so.

Sandi - no appologies are necessary for being a friend that is trying to help someone who is struggling to see the truth. Thank you for caring and being there. It helps to know I am not alone and there are people who will support me.

Take care