Willowwept

[cat04]

Willow,

I have been here what seems like forever. Although I haven't posted before I have learned a lot from just reading.

You ask how you get to the "ok" point. There is no easy answer to that. It is slow. It is something that just sort of happens over time. What is really odd is that as you get ok, you start to see how really not ok the WAS is. That too is hard.

The counseling is great. Just ask if they are pro-marriage. You may not feel like you are now, but as you get past the shock, you will realize which road you really want to take. Sometimes the M can be saved, sometimes it can't. But regardless, you have to save yourself. It is the only way you can move forward in your life, either way.

The shame is normal. Although you did nothing wrong, you feel like you must have had some role in it. We all have some role to play, changes we can make in ourselves, but I sort of put this akin to rape. You did nothing to cause it, you didn't want it, but you still feel like you could have stopped it and there is shame associated with it. You wonder how you could have missed it. You question your entire thought process and how could you have trusted this person who so blatently lied to you and you didn't even see it. It is because we trust and love. It is because we think we know these people. But when this is happening they are not the people that we know.

You did not really do anything wrong in talking to him. We can all only take so much. I live with my H and most days it is ok but there are days when I just want him to not be here because it is difficult. Only you can decide what you can handle right now. DB is great in theory, however, it is not an exact roadmap of what to do. It is more like a guide book. The goal is not for us to become doormats, but to become empowered. What works for one person will not work for all. My H, well because of our issues, sometimes I just have to go against DB to an extent. My MO was to keep my feelings, unless they were anger or happiness. I didn't cry in front of him because it has always made him uncomfortable. Now, months and months later, now that I am strong within myself, I cry if I feel like it. At first it made him angry. But I just told him that if he couldn't deal with how I felt that was his problem. Now, after 20 years, he has actually asked me what was wrong on more than one occasion. Yes I can see that he is still uncomfortable but he is also concerned. Maybe it is a small step to him leaving the MLC alien behind, I really don't know, or just simply him realizing that I too am human. But my point is you have to do what works for you. So not exactly good DB in some ways (isn't exactly staying upbeat and acting as-if) but a total 180.

As for him moving out, well to me that is telling, especially if he is willing to leave his kids in your care. He is willing to leave all of his responsibilities behind. That is classic depression. And although it may not be the best situation, it may be good for you to stay in the home. Hang in there, work on yourself, eat, sleep, stay busy. Tell only people you are comfortable telling. You are just at the beginning and this is your entire life you are trying to figure out. The answers, the right answers, will come to you when you least expect them. Take time, that is one of the biggest things you can do for yourself right now is to give yourself the time to make choices. Not everyone will support you if you choose to wait and ride out the rollercoaster. People just don't always understand that choice in a world where divorce is so prevalant. But although your mother's thoughts seem a little archaic, they may actually be on the right path. Not that we are meant to suffer in silence and just live with it (which is what she is saying) but that the quick fix isn't always the right answer.