I learned a huge lesson yesterday. My dil found out quite a bit about the OW, including her last name (she had a false one on FB) and her husband's name. I was seething all day and kept picking at my husband, even when I KNEW I shouldn't, it just felt like I couldn't help myself. Bad bad bad I know. My daughter came to visit and called him asking if the 4 of us could go to dinner. He didn't call her back and I was furious (for no real reason, it wasn't my business and I was looking for a fight, I think) so I called him and we argued again. He texted my daughter back saying "yes, but I don't think your mom will go. She's mad at me" when he got home I ignored him and all through dinner I wouldn't even acknowledge his presence. I was acting like a spoiled 11 year old.
When we got home and our son was put to bed, I was in the bathtub (my "fortress of solitude") and he came in to ask me if I wanted to watch a movie. I flatly replied "no" and kept on ignoring him, wouldn't look at him at all. He just walked out without saying anything. I went downstairs afterward and we argued again. He kept saying he didn't even understand why I wanted to work on things because we haven't made each other happy. Ever. I asked him if all 12 years of us being together was miserable and he admitted no, it was the last 8 years. I pointed out to him that I was owning all my behavior and trying to work on my issues and he was avoiding all responsiblity-he told me he felt what he was doing was "right" because I had hurt him for so long.
Long story somewhat shorter, I finally realized that he doesn't see us as even having a chance at this because I keep doing stupid stuff like I did yesterday. I didn't act "as if" and it bit me in the butt. He said that whenever I act like that, it confirms his thought that we aren't "good together" and when I don't, he wonders if he's made the right decision. Funny-I'd asked God for a concrete sign of what to do and there it was. He flat out told me what he was thinking when I did it and when I didn't do it. He said "we had a good weekend and then today you act ridiculous" and I did act ridiculous. I told him it was because I knew he was talking to her all day. I really have to stop doing that.
I see my dr today and am looking at different things to do with our son this summer, to truly start GAL and work on detaching. I am going to try to see if any of our bookstores have DR and reread DB and read it again after that. I need to seriously seriously buckle down on acting "as if".
