My GF was telling me just this weekend how resentful she is of her H because she has been "in charge" of the household... grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking... And in the mornings she has to become a "drill sergeant" to get him to step up and help get the kids ready so they can get out the door and each get to work. For all these years, she hasn't had the courage to confront him about it and she just sits and stews. She decided that she is going to make a list of all of the household stuff and just ask him to take the lead a couple nights a week so that she isn't feeling so overwhelmed and burdened. They both work full time, but she also feels like "master of the universe" at home.
Just a thought... Is the cooking stuff hitting you now because you really didn't do much in that area? Perhaps this is an opportunity. If you have any interest, a great GAL might be a cooking class. Become adept at cooking and show your W that you are more than capable in contributing in this area.
Though... I seem to recall you mentioning that she is messy. Maybe I'm not on track here. Maybe you're just realizing that you're grocery shopping for yourself and the kids rather than considering her in the meals.
Actually I was in charge of the cooking, groceries, household maintenance, and getting the kids out most mornings. My son and I are ADD so mornings are a big deal for both of us.
My friction: I sometimes stewed about W not helping out much, being messy or her complaints that organization of cupboards didn't make sense. Nothing made her more steamed than to say, "Well if you've got a better system then go to town. You live here too." Also W is more finicky than most housecats. She's tough to cook for because of her constantly changing diets. There's no greater dissatisfaction than to spend good effort creating a dish only to have it rejected by fussy kids and W.
My fix. I stepped back and quit feeling compelled to take care of everything. I left things for her to take care of. I cooked things that worked with a decent meal plan and let them choose to eat or go hungry. On Sundays and special days I went to town on the cooking - not as an obligation but as a treat.
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W did bills and worked most Saturdays (she has a sweet deal as an associate where she gets a cut of extra hours).
Her friction: She did bills but thought I needed to play a bigger part. It was tough for me to be involved; bills and organization are not my strength and she always felt I was "in the way". In the last few months I was finding ways to help and taking care of my own obligations such as health insurance, investments, legal matters, and now my own house.
We both work in billable hours professions and there's always that pressure to put in a little more. Her profession is a little richer than mine (law vs media). She might feel resentful that she feels like the breadwinner. I make a good income but she wants me to make more. I'm workin' on that - got a new job title and raise this year and I plan to keep movin up.
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Looking back, I think we were taking a lot of this friction into the bedroom. Combine that with a desperate need to read and understand Schnarch and you have a recipe for a lot of nuthin' goin' on.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"The test of character is not 'hanging in' when you expect light at the end of the tunnel, but performance of duty, and persistence of example when you know no light is coming."
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Spoke with bankruptcy attorney and W today about our sitch. I told both of them, I don't know what our situation will become in the future (sep, D, or reconcile) but things have changed. I'm now sep'd so my expenses have increased. I don't want to make life hard for W but I need to take care of my house. Let's figure out something that works.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Sometimes I think one test of the DB progress (vis-a-vis B'ing the D, and not self-development) is the extent to which Walkaway gives one credit for one's own needs -- that is, when it stops being all about Walkaway.
So this argument of yours -- I'm on my own now and it's only fair that I be able to TC my own B -- is an important one to follow-up on.
I suspect that when Walkaways start admitting the LBS's needs -- be they financial or whatever -- then progress is being made towards some something.
Nice pull on my Coral Sea reference over on my thread, btw, Dawg. You're my kind of dude.
It certainly gets us back to those early days when we viewed each other as partners and equals. She's treating me better.
The ch 13 is kind of a tougher one for her because she doesn't want to change it (afraid of losing certain items included and/or ending up with a higher share) but she knows the current payment is too much for me. I certainly don't want to make things difficult in her life, this isn't an angry-divorce-revenge thing by any means, but if living apart is the new deal then I have to look into redoing the ch 13.
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Smiley,
I don't know huge amounts about those battles but a little. More important I've met Aussies who talked about Coral Sea. I've met talked with Finns about the winter war with Russia. I've talked with Russians about the siege of Leningrad and seen the reminders still around the city. You never forget those things.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
We were starting to get friendly again those last weeks but I think I need to not pursue so I'll let her call me.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I stopped by house this evening on W's request to pick up some kid clothes and toys for their first three days. She had daughter's stuff ready and she quickly got a box of stuff for son. Conversation was sparse. Neither one of us felt like talking. The place was a serious disaster of her stuff and BFF's stuff in and out of boxes. We had a little small talk about friend in another city. On the way out she said with a little laugh "Weird, huh?" I responded, "Yeah, just surreal."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
W called to discuss kid schedules a week away. She was very friendly and calm. I think she felt kind of alone cause she said she didn't have anything going on this evening and was probably just going to stay home and fold clothes.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
