Yesterday was one of those head scratches for me. The weekend was basically uneventful, almost normal. Late yesterday afternoon, after doing a little yard work with WAW and S, we were relaxing inside and winding down. S had a snack and watching TV, WAW and I had a drink at the dining room table. WAW asks if I would like to talk about anything since S was occupied. Since she brought it up, I said sure – what would you like to talk about? A paraphrased, high-level summary:
WAW: Well, about the house getting listed; should I move out soon? We have a lot of stuff here and we need to make the place look better to sell. Maybe I should move soon.
ME: I understand the point; we do have a lot of things to do. But I didn’t think you wanted to do that because of the financial hit. And I don’t mean this to come across as harsh, but I don’t think it would be right for our savings to be hit or me to help pay for you to leave and live elsewhere.
I don’t want to do that but it is hard to live like this plus you have said at times I should “own my decision” and move out.
I know, this is hard on us all and I said that when I was frustrated how you were acting, but for the past month I have been consistent.
I think we need to sit down and discuss what needs to be done to the house be plan realistically a timeframe
My attorney looked at this draft separation agreement and that was an issue missing – if you move out you still have to pay for your share of the mortgage and that is a lot. Plus the numbers she had for child support and such were not right for our situation.
I knew this would happen; my lawyer said you would get nasty like this.
This is not being nasty, I don’t want this to happen but I have to look our for my interests as well and my ability to provide for our son and what is fair
So what do you want?
What do I want? Honestly, you know what I want. That being said, I want you to stay in this house so I can spend as much time as I can with our son and with you.
You think I am going to change my mind.
Not at all, I don’t think or expect that at all. Yes, there is a sliver in my heart that hopes for that but I am not stupid and I see where things are right now. Are you miserable here now?
No, I was before but not now. But I think this is an act and won’t last.
I understand. I wish I was that good of an actor; I would move to Hollywood and be a movie star!
Listen, I have laid off the past month but I am happy to talk more on things. We have been doing more communicating that a long time, don’t you think? I feel in some ways we are closer friends recently, don’t you?
Yes, it is like it used to be. But you changed and it has not been like this for a long time
I know, I wasn’t willing to look at myself and be honest when you brought that up before.
This past week was really hard; I was super unproductive at work.
Me too. I wonder why that was for us?
I don't know. Just a lot going on and it is hard to process it all.
Listen, let’s just to the best we can to keep being open and honest with each other, and not let lawyers, etc. influence us. This is all very hard for everyone and very emotional. Let’s do the best we can and work with each other.
We need to do some things to the house. Even if we reconcile, there are a few things that need to be done anyway.
I agree, let’s start with those things ASAP. I planned on that this summer anyway.
And with that we said we would talk to a realtor this week and start getting advice on what to do to make the house ready. So she continues to drive home the point that I had many years to fix things, she has built up to this now and this train has left the station. But I see some cracks in the WAW wall, I think.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Another thing I forgot to add... WAW looked at apartments Sat. and came home very grumpy. I could tell it was not a fun "experience" but of course it wouldn't be. She drove home listening to the mixed CD I burned her a few weeks ago. Trying not to get in her head, but interesting stuff I have been observing.
Anyway, hope some of the folks that commented on my last thread get a chance to put thoughts on today's posts. I need a little review!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
WAW just called - needed to vent about her upcoming trip and finding out her flight got cancelled. Didn't call her sister, didn't call a friend, didn't call some other dude. Called me. Keep it coming...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Wow! That is great! You sound like you remained in control of the convo...let her say the things that she needed to say, listened, and didn't over react to anything! Good for you! I would say you have alot to be hopeful for and that especially since she said "even if we reconcile, there are a few things that need to be done..." Wow! I am going to go back over your last threads now and see how you got to where you are now!! Congrats on the progress. Keep your cool and don't get overly enthusiastic. (that is what DR says at least!!!)
For sure not going to get too enthusiastic; can't read into these things too much. This morning as we all were getting ready for work, I could see she was in a mood/not feeling well. I didn't say anything until right before she left, finally asking "you ok?" She said she "doesn't feel good - didn't sleep well because I'm stressed out and that is making me sick. Things aren't resolved and they are bothering me."
I said I am happy to talk anytime. I don't know what is going on in her head, but stress comes from not being happy or confidant in yourself or your decisions I think. Maybe she is stressed because she her "plan" is not going so well.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I think this is positive. Good job! I share Nicole's opinion regarding your W saying "even if we reconcile"... This to me is a positive sign since she appears to be thinking more about it. Plus, I think she is stressed because she believes that moving out may not be the right decision now.
I remember when my W was in a similar situation last year -- she would approach me when she couldn't concentrate with her studies or if she had "too much" on her mind. She did tell me that she didn't think that my actions would last either. She was afraid that I would revert to the old H. Her concern though is that she still didn't feel "loved" by me and therefore she didn't "feel" anything for me. From previous posts, it sounds like your W is acknowleding that she may still have feelings for you, but she is concerned about the way she was treated in the past. This might be my optimistic side here, but it sounds like your hard work is starting to pay off.
As you wrote, don't give up and keep the DB going strong. I think last year, when my wife said she was starting to fall back in love with me, I kind of let go a little when I should have kicked it up a notch.
Me:41 W: 36 No Kids
EA&PA: JUL08-OCT08 & MAY09-fwd
W said we may not make it: JAN09 W said she doesn't want R: 5/8/09,6/5/09,7/19/09 Moved out: 7/31/09
Very good moves, Double-O 9. Very good. That's what you need to do, both for her and for yourself, because at some point you'll start feeling really good about yourself. This kind of supportiveness and sit-back-and-waitedness will become part of your "real" You, and a dollar will get you a donut that you'll like it.
WAW asks if I would like to talk about anything since S was occupied. Since she brought it up, I said sure – what would you like to talk about? A paraphrased, high-level summary:
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Quote:
Anyway, hope some of the folks that commented on my last thread get a chance to put thoughts on today's posts. I need a little review!
Thanks, I feel my DB kung fu is growing stronger. Then I get this email from WAW a minute ago:
Please send me all your revisions along with all the comments/revisions [on separation agreement] your lawyer made so I can start looking at it. I need to contact my lawyer and give her a status of where we are at.
Are you going to call the realtor or do you want me to?
I am super busy at work so won't have time to discuss today.
Yikes!
Last edited by JKL2009; 06/02/0901:03 PM.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
But WAW has her own mojo, right? She's trying to mojogenerate here. She's trying to, well, not DB, but whatever the Walkaway version of DB'ing is. In other words, she's trying to TCB her way.
Note that last line -- she's "super busy at work." Yeah, I call bullsh*t. Not so super busy that she couldn't send this nasty-gram, right? Not so super busy that she can't look at your lawyer's revisions? That stinks so much it's got Stank.
Why'd she play it that way? Because she laid this on you and now wants to passively-aggressively coerce you into going her way -- "just do it."
So what's your play? Well, in kung-fu you turn the opponent's attack into a counter-attack.
You could do the immensely detailed counter -- write a gargantuan e-mail with a million "yeah buts" and "what ifs" and "have you thought abouts."
Or you could do the sauce-for-the-goose reply -- "great ideas, but I'm super busy, too. Maybe tomorrow."
