Thanks. Maybe I am abandoning the game plan too quickly. I've seen so many positive signs of late. It just seems to me she wants me to re-open the door. But you are right. Thanks so much.
Hey, just read through your sitch, and as usual most here can find shared similarities. I also deal with hearing the "the marriage is over, you need to move on" I actually hate hearing it. You mentioned at one point that you felt things would come back together and I feel the same way about my M; at times. My W is really confused I am not sure where her mind is at or has been. I really appreciate this forum b/c I have found so much insight and support I feel it should be a retreat for couples or persons thinking about getting married. I think my W is being supported in her actions by family and friends while she convinces herself and those around her of who I am not. I am more than sure she is not getting any sort of backlash that she is M, she's more than likely being supported in her efforts. Misery loves company. I think that happens alot with a WAS. Also just like you, I have maintained the household finances although my W does work; well use to work. I wish that over the years I would have given her more responsibility but on the other hand, she will see what it is like out here if her family or some OM doesnt rescue her. This separation/limbo is still a tricky area for me. So I wish you the best. I am also doing my best to GAL and detach. They are a constant for me. We have no kids so there is rarely any communication. Also, at one point, I thought that would have made a difference in holding things together but I see it hurts and adds more complexity. With that said I commend you as well as anyone in the forum having to swim over those waters.
_________ ME 36 W 30 no kids T 11 M 5 Separated July/Aug 08
I have to be one of the worst DBers in history (well at least among those that tried). As a matter of fact we should swap user names....
but I agree with RunningOutofTime, you are making some progress and don't let some date force your actions. She will approach you again if she really wants to work on it. Just look at others these boards and use their examples. If the time comes she will fight to get your attention.
So many things have to happen for July to take place, lot can happen so don't rip up the game plan ... keep doing what has been working
Thanks all. She cornered me again for a talk last night. I went over to put the kids to bed (which I do every Monday night). I had an awesome time with my kids. We kind of made up a game involving running in circles and pretending to be different animals (yeah that's right, that's how I roll). I really just wanted to leave after I put the kids to bed because it was so much fun and I just really wanted to leave it at that. But she was determined. So we sat down and she brought up a ll these real stretcher type points, mostly about crazy things my 4 year old has said and he thoughts on which member of my family is corrupting her mind one way or another. Then finally she got to the point which was to warn me that once the divorce is final I need to avoid my tendency to date "under-dog type crazy girls." She said I need to avoid this so that I don't have to go through this again. At one point she said "neither of us wants to try to rescue this marriage right?" I said nothing, just said I was focused on being a good dad and getting my life in order. Then she told me how she had met her boyfriend's daughter and how great that was going.
Anyway I plan to stay the course. I still love my wife, but at this point I am shocked by how much responsibility I took for this early on. Thank you all for the advice and support.
Oh brother.... telling you who you shouldn't date.... give me a break!
Next time she breaks into that cr@p tell you don't immdiately plan to date anyone (even though huge amounts of women have started throwing themselves at you!!!). Instead you plan to spend the next two years focusing on yourself and working towards being the most wonderful future husband on Earth to the next Mrs. Clueless... and then you are going to meet a strong, amazing, competent, beautiful, successful, sex goddess and live happily ever after.
It sounds like you did a great job being a good listener. Be positive, smile a lot and tell her you are glad she's so happy. Be someone your W enjoys talking with. Try to be more pleasant to be around then OM. Don't do this with the idea of winning your W back because you may not. Think of it as using your W as practice for the next woman. Practice flirting and "sweeping a woman off her feet." Expect NOTHING from your W and emotionally detach!!!! At this point she's just practice for the next.... that doesn't mean you are giving up, it means you are being realistic and preparing for whatever way the wind blows (and utilizing her presence to your advantage). Hope that makes sense...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
....but at this point I am shocked by how much responsibility I took for this early on. Thank you all for the advice and support.
Isn't that the truth brother! Kind of reminds me of when we were kids. Everyone says don't do it but we don't believe them.
You start to feel better when you understand more though don't you? Trick now though is not to lose sight of the things that we did do or could have been better at.
I have a couple of friends that their wives called it quits and they have mentioned some of the things the wives said. i humbly agree 100% with the WAW. One friend is controlling, arrogant and pushy. He became aware and was trying to change at first but in month 6 he started dating someone. AND poof... everything was forgoten, he did nothing wrong, wife was pshyco, Sad thing thing though... you can see the new girlfriend responding negativly to his actions...
Oh brother.... telling you who you shouldn't date.... give me a break!
Next time she breaks into that cr@p tell you don't immdiately plan to date anyone (even though huge amounts of women have started throwing themselves at you!!!). Instead you plan to spend the next two years focusing on yourself and working towards being the most wonderful future husband on Earth to the next Mrs. Clueless... and then you are going to meet a strong, amazing, competent, beautiful, successful, sex goddess and live happily ever after.
It sounds like you did a great job being a good listener. Be positive, smile a lot and tell her you are glad she's so happy. Be someone your W enjoys talking with. Try to be more pleasant to be around then OM. Don't do this with the idea of winning your W back because you may not. Think of it as using your W as practice for the next woman. Practice flirting and "sweeping a woman off her feet." Expect NOTHING from your W and emotionally detach!!!! At this point she's just practice for the next.... that doesn't mean you are giving up, it means you are being realistic and preparing for whatever way the wind blows (and utilizing her presence to your advantage). Hope that makes sense...
All good points. I am actually breaking a DB rule and am dating at this point. It just felt like the right decision for me to make. I've kept it very casual and have been up-front with the women I have dated about where I am in my life. I tell you what, I'm a hell of a lot more marketable now than I was when I left the market at 24. What Michelle says about men who get divorced being able to more effectively find someone is really true.
But I am focused on being my w's friend. What she has done to me was childish and hurtful, but I know that we both created this situation together and I really hope we can turn it around. If not, I will be a great husband the next time around whether it is with her or with the future Mrs. Clueless.
rick now though is not to lose sight of the things that we did do or could have been better at.
I have a couple of friends that their wives called it quits and they have mentioned some of the things the wives said. i humbly agree 100% with the WAW. One friend is controlling, arrogant and pushy. He became aware and was trying to change at first but in month 6 he started dating someone. AND poof... everything was forgoten, he did nothing wrong, wife was pshyco, Sad thing thing though... you can see the new girlfriend responding negativly to his actions...
Yep i don't want to go there either
Absolutely true. I know I had a part in all this. In the early days I was thinking I was this horrible husband and father. I had some good friends who knew us well who said "You told her you loved her 5 times a day. You went home to the kids every night. You didn't do anything for yourself." And it set me right. So I know that I made some mistakes. And I know there are things I can do better. But I also know that the lion's share of the responsibility for this does not fall on me.
So she just called up and screamed at me over "not listening" to her. I don't know if it is possible for anything to be further from the truth. I've had it at this point. She is just a miserable, selfish person. I don't think I want to bust this divorce anymore. All I want is for her to go far away and snarl at somebody else. If it wasn't for the kids, I would just try to arrange it so I never have to see her again. She is just selfish and vicious -- a terrible person.
She's so mad at me for this divorce. She realizes that she is not going to have her kids for about half the time. She is realizing how crappy her life is going to be for the foreseeable future, and she is taking it all out on me. EVEN THOUGH SHE LEFT ME. Man I used to think the worst thing in the world was losing my wife. Now I'm starting to think the worst thing in the world is not being able to get rid of her.
