regarding the dating, dont listen to ooo much to other people. I am fast approaching my 3rd year and not ready to date - and dont forget, yea a rottent thing happened to me fair enough, but I too had an affair, 5 years before (that I horribly regretted as i was a virgin bride, you cant take back cheating!) so its not like I dont know HOW to do it. I just diddnt WANT to...
you have to be in an emotionally ok place to date and being sad and grieving isnt really that place. again, I can tell you that bc i made the mistake. I did find another man, the 'rebound' and i did try so hard but yanno i was faking it, i felt nothing for him and nothing sexually, but i WANTED TO. wow! what a terrible thing! but i just wanted to heal.
theres an old saying lol, to get over one, roll onto another. for men perhaps this works out. for women coming out of a long term marriage i cant tell STRONGLY enough how DUMB and WRONG that really is. it asserts your sexuality and attractiveness but you are left with a bad taste in your mouth an truly, I wish I could just RIP that page from my life. I cant stand the THOUGHT of him! dont do it ! always a regret.
its best to let things happen really gradually and it takes AGES! you know I said for so long, to my friends (the few I made bc I lost all my old ones) I am not even ATTRACTED to men now, not even a GOOD LOOKING man arouses my interest, and in truth i felt very unattractive, after getting rid of the rebound (that lasted 3 months of cplete waste of time) I just realised, wow I really DONT EVEN LIKE men now, let alone can say i am attracted to them - also I felt just so ugly and lonely anyhow, par for the course. you wear your shame in a way a long time. One day at work a lady said to me "kate, hold your head up! you always walk around looking at yuor feet"! and it was true and I realised, I had began to walk with my head down eyes to the ground and shoulders slumped. I had to physically REMIND myself to put my head up and to look people in the eye; I just felt like the biggest failure of alll time.
JUST NOW, JUST RECENTLY, im attacted to a man! im really excited. this is the first "real" thing. nothing is going to happen. it doesnt matter. at least this is real and im actually interested! im very excited for myself. its got to mean progress!
there is light at the end of the darkest of tunnels. but it takes alot of time and pain. thats why i asked you to read 'the art of happiness' and i think the lady that runs this site, would even say its a good idea.
you have to come to a point in your life where you realise, suffering isnt unfair, or something horrible like an accident that happened to you; suffering is just a natural part of life and half our battle is accepting that fact. if you can grasp the fact that this isnt unfair but just the way things are, and just life, and just how things work out sometimes, you can realise your not unique but simply a human being. part of us all; and you can only wear your OWN suffering not someone elses. Dealing with it and with anger and disapointment is possible, when one truly realises, this happened to me, but it was only one single aspect of me, of my life. a big one yes but only ONE. I can GO ON. I can reinvent my life, when im READY. and its ok to not be for as long as i need to just grieve and feel sad...
the Dalai Lama says, part of our problem is with suffering, is we cause a lot of it ourselves, by our thoughts and negativity, and our inability to accept. we all want to LET GO. well its possible, its just not EASY.
you are still who you are. you will come out changed and tempered and different but intrinically you are still you. and so is he. he has regrets to face yet. fact is by the time he gets there you may very well be in a much more peaceful place in your life.
when we learn to accept and really begin to love ouselves by watching how we think and react and working hard on overcoming anger and feelings of "this isnt fair", then we are getting somehwhere even tho its one step forward one step back all the way, and we'll come out on top.
theres a saying, "one door shuts, another opens" but some of us spend so long staring at the closed door we miss all the newly opened ones...
xoxoxo
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
