I can't talk to B. I can't talk to my friends because I'm so hurt they've all known about this for months and not told me.
I can't talk to the kids (they're not really kids, they're 18 and 21) because I'm too ashamed. I don't know why I feel shame - but there you go.
I can't talk to my parents because they just will not understand. (When my sister told my mum she was separating from her husband a few years ago, my mum was so upset and told my sister "Good women have hard lives." Mum reckons you should just suck it up for the good of the marriage. My Dad though dotes on her, so she wouldn't know a 'hard life' if she fell over it.
I've got an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow morning. She's been recommended to me by a woman I work with who went through a very difficult family situation recently. Apparently she's very good. I don't know if she's pro-marriage. Should I ask her? Actually, I don't even know if I'm pro-marriage at the moment.
I've never had any sympathy for people who so glibbly say "I wish I were dead" - or "I feel like killing myself" - but I'm starting to understand how you can feel so hopeless you just don't want to wake up in the morning. I'm not going to do it, but for the first time in my life it's in my head. It's a very unpleasant experience.
Thank you for reading along. It helps to know I'm 'speaking' to someone out there.
