PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

No, I am not out to punish anyone. I just figured I was extremely accomodating in the past. I would do anything for anyone. Now, not so much. I just meant I would not go out of my way for that family again.

If they want to see kids, then that's fine. My MIL lives on the other side of the earth. I am not going to take the kids there, take a month off to pretend to be nicey nicey with her family while my insides are falling apart.

Again, if she wants to come, that is fine. If H wants to take kids, that's fine also. But I am not going to waste my time with that anymore. MIL could have called us over last three months if she was so concerned about us, but she didn't. Over the past year, it was always me that called her. Only now she is reaching out because I am pulling back. It's the rope dynamic.

My H needs his mother in his life, he needs someone who understands him and knows him. I have always encouraged their relationsip. I would never stand in the way of that.

I also have encouraged the kids to have a R with their grandmother. But I think she is asking too much of me this time. I do have a shred of self-respect left. Not going to do everyone's bidding anymore.

They can get upset at me all they like. But it seems like they expect me to remain the same when the whole circumstances have changed.

I don't need to 'teach H a lesson'. In fact, I don't need to do anything, he has his conscience to deal with. If he really wants to see kids, he can see them anytime. Not just on weekends. But he has self-imposed time schedules. He doesn't call them during the week. I see that he wants to do his duty rather than he really wants to be with them and spend time with them or is happy with them.

It's no good when it's duty that motivates a person because it doesn't last. It gets old and it's not a reward in itself.

He is more concerned with being seen as a good dad in the eyes of his mother, C and the kids. It's not the same as wanting to be a good dad because he loves fatherhood and he loves them and can't bear to be away from them. That is a huge difference.

He knows this and he knows that I know this. I think this is why he won't come back ever. Because through my eyes he can see all of his falseness. Stuff that he tells himself. Lies that he chooses to believe in. And until he confronts himself on these lies, he will always choose to hide behind the facade. Not seeing me makes the facade more real. He can tell his mother, his C and his GF anything and they will believe him because none of them get the whole story. He tells them bits and pieces and shows himself in the best light.

I, on the other hand, sees the real man. The man with all of his good points and his faults. He doesn't want to be reminded of his faults, I don't remind him, he just sees his faults because he knows that I see everything. So he avoids me.

I think he will have very shallow relationships from now on. It will be too vulnerable for him to show his whole self to his partners. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He doesn't want to be challenged to become a better man.

That is why he said, 'OW doesn't expect anything from me.' No responsibility, no expectations. Shallow R.

I am not sure if he will yearn for anything deeper. Probably not. He can't handle it. I think he wants 'peace' in exchange for a deeper understanding and love.

I understand now that I can't love like that. I can't go with the shallow relationship with half-truths and with people who won't reveal themselves. I am an open person and want to share everything good and bad.

I can see now we are not compatible.

[Yoyowife]

PM,

My H is just like that. He does his fatherly duty by giving them spending money and attending DD's activities, but as far as spending quality time with either of them, it doesn't happen. He just wants to be able to tell people I attended DD's games, etc. When asked the last time he took them to dinner, he wouldn't be able to answer that question, because it's probably been well over a year.

I agree fatherhood becomes a sense of duty to them, not joy. That is a very true statement you made.

Hang in their PM, I don't believe it is up to you anymore to take them to see MIL. If she lived in town it would be different, but this would be an awkward situation for all. You shouldn't have to do that. She is your H's mother, it's his responsibility. Do not feel any guilt. It seems like you tried to your best to be a good DIL when everything was fine. Divorce will mean that things will change, maybe everyone needs a preview. I don't say that with vindictiveness, it's just a sad truth.

Hugs, Yoyo

[Can it work]

PM, you're doing incredibly well under the current circumstances. You really seem to have a good outlook on this and you really sound as though you're in a healthy mindset.

I agree with what you and the others on here have been saying. You're completely right to let your H and your MIL take responsibility for their time with the kids. It just goes to show that people expect nobody to change after things like this. They don't like it one little bit. Your sitch just proved that it's not only the H, W and kids who get affected by a break up.

I'm almost envious that you're in the position you are now. I know you had to go through a lot of hard times to get where you are but I really sense you're now at peace and that's a wonderful thing.

Keep it up PM and keep smiling.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks Yoyowife and Kev for your support.

It has taken me a long journey to admit that perhaps H is right in that we are not compatible. He said that I was a planner and he likes to do things off the cuff. I think that is a simple example. He doesn't consider other people's time important. Everything is at his beck and call and I don't want to live like that anymore.

So I am going to change.

I was talking with a my girlfriend and she told me she had made a list of qualities that she would want in her husband. She is already married one year but was telling me about her story.

I had never thought of love this way! It was a brand new idea for me. I met my H when I was very young and didn't go around with a list to match with potential boyfriends.

But this idea makes sense to me now. Why would I want to make mistakes again? I need to ask myself what is important to me and stick with my principles. So here goes, this is just a first draft and is a bit of a trial by fire, pls don't get offended if you read my silly list. I think if I don't have a roadmap, how do I know where I am going?

1) Love spending time with me and my kids, can't wait to get home to us
2) Respect a woman with strong character and principles and is strong himself
3) Romantic and is very touchy feely
4) Respectful of everybody from bus driver to elderly to little kids on the street
5) Giving person who doesn't think men has to be tough and distant
6) Outgoing personality, love to spend time with friends
7) Doesn't drink too much and never smoke
8) Like to exercise (preferably tennis so we can play together) and keep body fit and healthy
9) Not afraid to share emotions, can communicate in words in a mature way
10)Likes trying new foods and cuisine
11)Think that snuggling up at home is the best end to a day
12)Ambitious but know how to balance work and life and family
13) Respect my parents and family members
14)Confident and will speak up for us when people try to take advantage
15) Believe in God
16) Will understand that marriage is forever, not just until it stops feeling pleasurable
17) Take the time to develop relationships in his life including his community at large
18) In charge of his own happiness and not look to others to fulfil him
19) Neat and clean


That's what I have so far. My goodness, does such a man exist, I wonder? It sounds too good to be true. Oh well, one can only hope.

[25yearsmlc]

PM,

first, you ARE doing well and I just tossed out flags to watch for. You are not being punitive and I totally agree that for YOU to make all the effort to visit and take how many people how far when mil could have gotten off HER duff and come to see them in the past? You were too nice then so that's what they're used to. Oh well, Things change don't they?

I will wish anyone with a list of 19 traits in someone else, good luck. I prefer to have maybe three or 4, like good character, wants to grow, compatible intellect/sense of humor. I had a friend with a one page list of traits she said were "MANDATORY" and she is now 46....yes, she is still single. But it doesn't hurt to have an idea of what you want. But then people change too.

ANYHOW,

you are doing very well my friend. Oh your h's comment that OW expects nothing from him is hugely telling. Yeah I bet he's right. Be with whoever has the lowest expectations--guess that's HIS list of traits he wants. Pathetic.

Give the mil time. She has yet to realize what she is losing and how badly she raised her son. I hope to God my son never does something like this but you can be dang sure if he does, I'LL HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH HIM AND MORE...

Just no way I'd let my own kid do that to his own kids or to a good spouse. I'd mandate c if my son wanted my respect. (Yes I would still love him, but yes I have expectations and I'd tell him "I raised you better than this", etc) and I'd bust my butt off to help the dil.

Well, I think we all would. But since it's mostly women who raise the men in the country it IS something WE need to take some responsibility for when we see our sons growing up in their R's with women. Just food for thought in the future for me to remember.

(( j ))

[karen43]

OK, I think there might exist one or 2 guys in the country that have all those qualities, but how to find them? I know some are here on DB of course. Maybe decide which ones are dealbreakers like #16 and #1 or whatever you think, but some like trying new foods, I mean you might be able to live without that if they had most of the other qualities maybe? Also, I think a lot of the qualities you're looking for could just be lumped into maturity. I think a lot of our WAS tend to be immature, so maybe that is something important to look for. Karen

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks 25yrs and Karen. I know it's a huge wishlist but I guess I had to start somewhere, otherwise I might end up with another self-centered guy because I wasn't paying attention.

OMG, you won't believe, I got ANOTHER e-mail from MIL. She sent me on another guilt trip! Big time! This time however, I didn't feel guilty, I felt angry.

I felt angry that she is putting pressure on ME. I felt angry that she can't see beyond her own needs. I am angry that she doesn't place any responsibility on HER son to be a good dad or to help along the relationship between her and the children. I felt angry that yet again, it's my fault that I refuse to take them to see her.

Wow, I am getting sick of this attitude. So I sent off a reply that basically said that I went thru a lot these past two years and am in no state of mind to take this trip. That she is welcome to come and visit if she wants.

I know I won't hear the end of this but I feel she is making it worse because I DON'T NEED THIS STRESS NOW.

One of my BF today informed me that she is moving out of the country so by the end of the month she will be gone. Bummer.

More and more my mind of moving back home is solidifying and getting away from all the stress of weekends is pretty attractive. I am at the end of my rope with H not following through with things and not know what goes on every weekend.

Enough of that family!!!

[Can it work]

Just thought I'd quickly catch up on your sitch PM. What your MIL is doing is completely unreasonable and you were right to send her a reply defending yourself. I can imagine I'd probably get angry about it too. She has no right to give you grief over the mess your H has made. I think you have to remember the principles of DBing even here though. Don't rise to it and don't let yourself be backed in to an argument. State your case calmly yet confidently. You have the moral high ground here and I think everyone here will agree that you're completely in the right.

Now, on to your list. Have you been looking at my profile on a social networking site? Lol. Seriously though, there are most definitely men out there who fit that description. Do you know what the frightening thing is though? Most of them are probably single. I may be bitter but I've learned through personal experience that you can have many of the qualities you've described yet still it doesn't work out. I think the key is compatibility and that's possibly a much rarer thing to find. I even have friends who pretty much tick every box on your list but have always been treated badly by women for being too 'nice'. It leaves them feeling like they're the ones who are the problem. I've then seen good people harden up after things like that and in my opinion become less of a person than they were before.

Don't give up in what you're looking for PM. They are out there. Bending on one or two of your requirements would be wise though. I'm sure the perfect man is out there but that doesn't guarantee you're going to meet him. By being a bit flexible, you've more chance of finding someone close to your list who posseses other qualities which more than make up for those he lacks. Good luck!

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev, I think the problem is, I think the 'nice guys' need to find 'nice girls'. What's been happening is that us nice girls look for the 'exciting guy' or the 'most popular guy' and is not giving the nice guy a chance and vice versa.

I am realizing this now and will make a mental note. That's why I put the list together. To remind myself what would be compatible with me, what type of qualities would work and what wouldn't. If I like someone but he is a total jerk with strangers, that's not good. It's a statment about his character. Or if he loves being home with me but is disrespectful to my family members, it would never work.

Though I agree, I need to be flexible on some of the items on the list, like fitness and food, those are not TOO important in the grand scheme of things.

I just hope you are right. I hope there are real people out there like that and I hope they have not become bitter people. I tried very hard in the last two years not to be bitter but to retain the parts of myself which I cherish, the sweetness, the kindness and compassion parts. I don't even want to be bitter, spewing hate or be distant with my friends. Part of the reason is that I want to model good behavior for my kids, partly because I like to retain the best parts of myself, to not let bad experiences weather away those good things.

But I will continue to hope. I want to have my eyes open for the rest of my life, to not fall asleep at the wheel so to speak.

[PositivelyMommy]

Yet another e-mail from MIL.

She doesn't understand no.

She listed all the 'fun' activities that she would do with the children and all I had to do was bring the kids out. I have not told her that the main reason I didn't want to visit was because I felt betrayed by her as well. Previously I just wrote her that I needed time to recooperate from the traumatic events of the last two years and also have time to write my book.

So she won't take 'no' for an answer.

I am not angry now, just annoyed. I think I'm just going to ignore this e-mail for now. If anyone out there has any ideas, let me know. I tried talking to her, I tried e-mailing her. She won't listen.