My H texted me today and was still saying the same things of going to a MC and dropping the divorce. I DID NOT ANSWER!!!
GOOD FOR YOU!!
Originally Posted By: lost-n-Iowa
I am so proud of myself.
You should be.. strength & honor
Originally Posted By: lost
Since I did not answer him then he started texting asking me a bunch of questions about what i did ...
see.. isn't it so much easier to 'deal with it' when you know it's coming??
prior planning prevents problems.. I leave my phone on silent or even just shut it off, especially if I konw my kids are safe & I'm not worried about missing a call about them.
Originally Posted By: lost
and his texts continued and you could tell he was was getting more and more upset.
uh-huh... not your problem he was upset... let him be upset all he wants.. not your problem...you don't have to 'make it better'
Originally Posted By: iowa
I will be contacting a MC for myself. I was thinking about going to the same one that he is going to but to do it on my own time and but not with him so that the MC will hear both sides and will be able to better help me though this. Also that the MC can see what I am dealing with in my H and that maybe the MC can give me better advice than if I go to an IC that only hears my side of it.
my only advice.. is go to someone who understands emotional abuse & you are comfortable with.. ask them directly in the first meeting what their experience is in counseling women who have been in & have left abusive relationships and how they handle it..not all counselors view 'emotional abuse' as damaging... trust me on this one too... some will try & convince you that you should have just tried harder to meet the abusers needs... remember the abuser is a 'smooth-talker' they can sell ice to Canadians... so even if you are going to the same one, he may be smooth talking them before they see you...find someone you click with, even if it takes 2 or 3 different ones. You don't need to convince his IC of your side of the story.
Originally Posted By: lost
I feel better today that I have stood up for myself and I am trying set my own path.
Good for you!! It is empowering isn't it?? It gets easier & easier, but be prepared for backslides.. they pop up when you least expect them.
Originally Posted By: lost
I do understand that I will get in trouble if I continue to talk to him. I am trying hard to stop.
Maybe remind him he is also in contempt with each text message, phone call etc. and any further attempts at communicating with you will be viewed as violations of the order. Have you spoken to your lawyer, does he have one? All communication should go between them.
I know it's hard to stop... come here & vent or call a friend when you want to respond. He wants your attention, each time you respond you reward him & he comes back for more.
you can do this.. you are amazing me with your strength. Keep it up! Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Here's an article about the things they do when you attempt to go no-contact. It's called Starve The Vampire.
Starve The Vampire! ("When You Don't Respond...") Posted Thu, 04/30/2009 - 20:16
Starve the Vampire by Sandra Brown, MA
Pathological persons are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content.
Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting.
In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations, arguments, or any other kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously through your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc.
It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them -- even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don't get the blood supply/ emotional content from you, they will seek it elsewhere.
(Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
When you begin to break up he will fear the loss of emotional supply. He won't fear losing you so much as he will fear not getting his identity and his sense of self from you and/or the relationship. He fears the loss of self or 'who am I without her?' This is a very fragmented ego state -- one which only exists through relationships with others.
So when you try to break up, he may continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him).
You must not engage him or REACT in any way, shape or form.
These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detachfrom it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming.
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression... that's what I want women to do with these men)
* Then one contact may be sweet, loving, buy you things or sending you things.
When you don't respond...
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years... go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management.
When you don't respond...
* He will get angry again -- say YOU aren't working on the relationship and YOU are the reason it's gonna fail;
When you don't respond...
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on(They are boomerangs, most of them ALWAYS come back a few times.Unless they are scared of you because you know something damning about them.)
When you don't respond...
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else. (possibly one of your friends)
When you don't respond... (Are you enjoying the popcorn and movie about now??)
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, leukemia, some other lethal disease.
When you don't respond...
* He will just go back to drinking/ drugging/ cheating on you/ dealing/ spending money/ driving too fast/ seeing prostitutes/ etc.
When you don't respond...
* He will threaten to kill himself, leave the area, never see you again.
When you don't respond...
* He will take the kids (or try to), drag you through court, threaten to physically harm you.
When you don't respond...
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or he's gone back to his previous girlfriend/ wife. When you don't respond...
* He will tell you he will kill your pet he has custody of if you don't talk to him.
When you don't respond...
* He will go on the net and post about you on the exposure sites, making up the most outrageous lies and childish slander to get you to react.
When you don't respond...
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
When I do phone counseling, it's all the SAME stories. (I know that women think that their experiences are unique. But they aren't - sorry.)
But pathology is all the SAME. These people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. They ONLY react in certain ways so it's pretty easy to predict.
Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/ silly/stupid reactions to a break up (or exposure).
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact (unless you have to because of your kids but you adhere to no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face), the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
NEVER REACT TO THEM - NEVER.
When women don't disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of pathologicals, they are doing it because SHE wants to remain. The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect.
This is not a judgment about women not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the disengagement has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
Bridge, thanks for the support. I think that I did do very good and even though I REALLY wanted to hear his voice and hoped it would say nice things to me, I did not respond. He did text me later last night to ask me if everything was okay. I had a hard time not answering with the NO ITS NOT...WHY WOULD IT BE.... Instead I did what you said, I shut the phone off until I had to turn it on to use as my alarm clock. There was no other text messages from him. I am feeling very lousy today because I did not get to talk to him and hear his voice because I do miss him, so this must be one of those "back sliding days'
Breakaway... that article is point on for things that I have seen in the past with my H and with people like my sister's BF. I think I will copy it to send it to her so she can read it too. The only thing that I didn't unserstand about the article was that at the bottom of the list it said that the cycle would start over at the top and begin again. Ok, then if I continue not to respond, then when will the cycle STOP. It did not say that eventually the vampire goes away or figures out that you will not ever respond to him again so he stops. That is a little confusing but I get the message anyway. Thanks for that bit of insight on it.
I contacted one of the girls that my H said had told him that I left a bar with another man last year and spent the night at this other man's house today. Come to find out, this girl has not spoken to my H for months and has not seen him in months either. She said that the only time that she seen me talk to this guy was the time that about 15 of us went to a bar one day and this guy was there and was talking to all of us but that he seem 'infatuated' with me and that she was there when I told him that I was married and not interested in him that way and he siad oh okay we can still be friends? and I had said yes. this guy shot on the same pool league that I did and the only other time that I ever seen him was through that when we shot against his team and one other time at a large local rodeo. Anyway, it made me feel better that this girl had not said these things to my H and that I had caught him in another lie.
I have a hard time comfronting people unless they confront me first. Then I will get right in there and defend or whatever I have to do. My H knows that I dont' usually confront people and he was probably banking on that. That I would not confront this girl and confirm his story.
Oh, well!! I am still trucking along and trying to get better everyday. I have made plans already for the next few weekends to go do something with my family or with friends, like riding horses and camping. I am GAL and doing well at it.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Been keeping busy. Trying to do yard work and helping my sister move to her new place.
My H started texting me the other night and he was asking me about forwarded messages. So I answered even though I knew I should not have but I figured if it did not concern our R then it would be okay. Well that ended up back firing on me. He started saying stuff like I could have everything and that I just needed to take what I wanted, take my girls, and make a better life without him. I asked him what was wrong and he just kept telling me that he had messed everything up and that he knew that he was going to be losing everything that he loved so much because I did not want to be with him any more. I answered that he should have thought about that before he cheated and did the things that he did. He answered back that 'We have issuses'. I answered back 'U have issues'. He did nto reply and I have not heard form him since. He also had said something that he had joined the military again and that he had signed the papers to do so right before he left to go to Maine after I had served him his papers for divorce. I do not believe this one bit but oh well if he does.
I have been referring back to the message that I had gotten about the vampire. He is doing just that. I had also copied that message and sent it to my sister. Even though her and her BF are splitting up anyway, she could really see her BF in that message. She is moving to a new place and does not want him to move in with her like they had planned so now he is getting sick, then when she does not seem to care, he gets depressed, then he tells her that she can't do it without him, etc, etc. Maybe alot of people follow the vampire thing to a tee. LOL
Well today I am doing okay when it comes to my H but I am having a really crappy day anyway. My youngest daughter found our cat having problems with something so we rushed him to the vet and we were only there for 10-15 minutes trying to same the cat when he died anyway. We had to bring him home and bury him. He was my sleeping buddy and I will miss him terribly.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Well my H is up to his normal crap again. One day texting me and wnating to make it work ad then the next day telling me to get what I can an get as far away from him as possible, and then the next day telling me that I won't get anything and that I will have to owe him money after the divorce is over. I am sick and tired of his crap. He is teling me that I done' deserve half of what he has put into his annuity, pensions,and 410k programs since we have been married. I said that I was and then he said that he was entitled to the girls' horses that I bought for them last year and that I would have to sell themand give him half of what I got for them. That ticks me off that he would try to take away the girls' stuff. This divorce should be between the two of us and he should not be dragging the girls into it. That makes me feel disgusted.
We are suppose to be talking on a phone conference with eachother throught he lawyers but I doubt that is going to happen. I am just completely disgusted by him.
I am going out this weekend for the whole weekend to go horseback riding and camping with friends. I am really looking forward to doing that and being around friends and having a good time. Then on Monday I get to spend the whole day with my girls who don't have school and I don't have to work and I am looking forward to that as well.
Better to GAL life than stay in the past with my H who is a jerk.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I think you deduct his 1/2 of the cost of the horses from what he would owe you from your 1/2 of the IRS's, pensions, savings, etc?
Just an example...If the horses are worth $1500 his 1/2 = $750.. then if you're owed 1/2 of his pensions, 401K, etc $1000 = $1000- $750 = $250 owed to you & you keep the horses by buying out his 1/2 of them in exchange for portion of what he owes you from the retirement stuff.
Sounds like he's doing the 'vampire' stuff breakaway told you about. Keep that in mind... stay in the moment & work hard to have strength & honor.
Enjoy your week-end! Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Well the weekend was very enjoyable. I got to be out horseback riding and a spending time with my friends. I crave that stuff all week long and can't wait to do it all the time. I will be doing it again this weekend too.
On Friday before I took off to go, I got a delivery from the UPS guy. I had 36 long stem baby roses that was delivered from my husband for our annivarsery that was on the 20th. It was a very beautiful gesture and is winning my heart back. This is the normal husband that I married. I am still very leary and don't trust him but I have a hard time not having my heart strings pulled. I am a very forgiving person to everyone that has ever wrong me and he knows that. Of course like any man, he knows just how to pull those certain heart strings too!!
We have our first counceling appontment on Wed. I am curious how it is going to go. I know that the first time is just to get the background info and not much will happen after that but I am hoping that the councelor may be able to tell us something. I am impatient for answers that I know may take awhile to get to.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I am inpatient to know if the desicions i make are the right ones or not. You know how they say hind sight is 20/20. I am always worried that I will make the wrong choice and so I am inpatent to know if I made the right choice to go to the MC and to give my H another chance.
Counceling went good. I have heard things and have learned things that I think is benificial to us already. My H even repeated a couple of things that the MC said, almost word for word, so that made me feel good that my H was actually listening. My H said today after our 2nd appointment that he liked the idea of having some one that we could talk to that was not taking sides and that he wished that we would have done the MC last year so we may not have gotten to where we are now.
My H and I watched the movie FIREPROOF. It was a very good movie about M and fights and getting your love for you spouse back. My H said that he could see us and especially himself, in that movie. (The H in the movie is into online porn even) Now my H wants to get the Love Dares books for both of us and try them out. I am willing to do this too.
I have to say that I am a bit impressed with my H and all that he is trying to do to make things work. I am very scared that this is only a phase for right now and that he will revert right back to who he has become. I am very scared that I will not be enough for him in the sex department and like many people with addictions he might get pulled back in again. I am scared that this will not work and I will be in the same boat again getting a D still.
The protection order is gettting dropped so that we can go to counceling and the D has been put on hold for the time being.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
