WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[sandi2]

I am trying to put myself in your place to get an idea of how scary it would be to drop the rope at this point in time. However, at the risk of sounding down right cruel I have to say that she sounds very whinny and complains all the time and lays all the guilt at your feet without her accepting any responsibility of the breakdown of the marriage. I know it is not me that is in love with her (which is probably a very good thing, b/c I would not have any patient with somebody of her personality traits). That is not to say that I don't feel sorry for what her dad did to her or any of the pain she has suffered, however, she is not a forgiving person (as you said) and hangs onto the hurt/anger and does not let it go. When there has been trouble in a MR, there has to be forgiveness! Look how she has done with her sister all these years. That is just stupid for an adult to keep harboring that kind of bad stuff and not enjoying a R with one's own family member. So.......where does that put you? First, if she won't forgive another person that hurt her, do you honestly think she would EVER forgive you? Even if she went back home, I bet she would whine and complain and carry on all the time about this same stuff that she is doing now. I don't see her letting it go and moving on with life! She may be depressed and probably has been for years. Sounds as if she should have been in therapy at a young age. But if she won't attend sessions now......where does that put you? You see, you are always talking about what she says or feels.....but what about YOU? How do you feel about a future with her.....honestly? I don't mean what you WISH would happen in the future, but knowing her like you do......where does it put you in the future? Would you really be happy with a person like her that is always brow-beating you about how unhappy you have made her....but she never does anything to help herself? What has she done in all of this to actually help herself? I see you going to the therapist and doing other things to try to change for the better, but what is she doing? All I see is her crying on your shoulder and telling you what a miserable life she has had. You are her scape goat! How will you ever have any self esteem yourself living with a person like her? She will keep you so pulled down that you can't see sunshine.

I know I am not sounding like a person that is trying to help bust a D, but I am trying to get you to see this from a different angle. Let's say that you sign the papers and the D goes through. That is not necessarily the END. There have been a lot of people who got back together after a D. It may be the very thing for her to find out what she really wants to do with her life and who she wants to spend it with. At first I thought she sounded like she may be in MLC, but I think your therapist may be right b/c all I see is a person who feels that her life with you has been wasted. That sounds like depression, and if she was in MLC she would be doing a lot of other things that shouted MLC......and according to what I have read.....I don't see it.

I don't mean to be offensive and I hope you understand that part. I am just saying that it sounds like it would be a very unhealty R to stay with her as she is now. She needs to understand how much she needs help......and to go get it for herself. She needs to stop expecting somebody else to "make" her happy.....especially you! Do I make sense or am I talking in circles? I realize that it is very easy from my end to give out this advise and not have to travel the path. All I can do is throw it out there and you take it or leave it. My personal thoughts about it all is that there may be "hope" after a D, but I don't see a lot of it now. In time, she may come to see how wrong SHE has been in all of this--and other relationships as well. Hopefully, she will seek out the therapy she needs and mentally and emotionally heals to a much stronger person. In the meantime, you need to think about you and your sons. You need to get a real life for yourself. You know what you will have to do in order to accomplish that, don't you? That means that after the D she cannot continue to hang onto you and whine and cry and blame you with all her sadness. I will bet you that is exactly what she will do after the D b/c that is who and what she is! It is up to you if you want her to drag you down with her or if you decide that it is more healthy to back away and detach from her......drop the rope.....and consentrate on your life and your sons. As I told you almost in the beginning.....I think both of you are co-dependent on each other and I don't see this as a healthy relationship.

Whatever happens, you will still have us here to try to encourage you along the way. There are many, many people here on the board whose M's did not make it......but THEY made it. See the difference? This board is about helping people through a really bad time but coming out as a whole person and being stronger and getting on with their lives. Many of those people stay here on the board to help others. Do not feel that you have failed b/c this has not been a one-person R. It takes two to make a R. You have tried.

It does not work for you to try to give her the attention NOW that she once wanted. I realize that you may not understand that, but it is what it is. As she said, it is too late now for you to try to be what she once wanted. She would not have those feelings at this time....that she once desired. That is why I kept telling you to detach and drop the rope.

Maybe she has her mind made up......or maybe she is wanting to see if you will go through with the D--or beg her to stay M to you. Perhaps she just wants to see what being single is like. Some depressed people think that their S is causing all their problems so they will ditch the S and their lives will be happier. When she sees that doesn't work.....then she will probably want to go back to you. I can't see her not hanging on and continuing doing exactly what she is doing now......but I may be wrong.

I feel that she's not bluffing and will actually be hurt when I say that I've given up as well and want a divorce.

Okay, say she is not bluffing. Of course she will be hurt....whatever you do! Don't you get that? You will not be able to do ANYTHING right! She has you over a barrel which ever way you turn. She uses that excuse of "being hurt" all the time. Aren't you getting sick of it?

She had said that was one of the two reactions she expected from me when she filed. The other would be I would get so angry that I would be violent (where I have NEVER been violent and only raised my voice less than 5 times in the 12 years we were together). She was totally not expecting that I would want to work on it as she felt I gave up loving her years ago. She said that she thought about withdrawing the divorce when I told her that I wanted to work on it, but said that she was just too afraid of getting hurt again.

Now, read this quote again. Do you see what I am saying? You can't win with her no matter what you do. She has said that herself. The last part of what she said is why I thought she was playing games with you. She is on again.....off again. You can't win. How could you win when dealing with an emotionally unhealty person? I pray that she will seek the help she so despartely needs.

I apologize if my post sounds cold b/c I do not intend for it to be so. I am trying to be realistic with you and hope that you will look at the sticth as so.

Talk later,
Sandi