Divorce looming #14

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not always saying this, but yeah, get some meds to sleep and to help stop the looping thinking in circles about what if and what if...

You have a real JOB event coming with the new guy there all week AND you have the kids at night AND maybe your div papers are coming so you need to keep it together big time. Many of us HAVE had some "stuff" like this where we thought to ourselves, "Hey GOD, I'm raising the white flag, okay? I SURRENDER, YOU WIN UNIVERSE..." for reasons similar...

SO you'll max out this week AND SURVIVE....b/c all the REALISTIC worst case scenarios are not fatal or so horrible. Yeah, you might be divorced. So what?
We ALREADY had a LONG post about why that might not be a bad idea EVEN IF you still want a recon b/c it might just be what you/she need to do. Who knows? It is NOT an all bad scene.

So your girls will see you busy in your new life. Let them see you HANDLING life on life's terms. No vegging out, no drinking to "cope" and blah blah blah. And Kev, Don't sweat the small stuff and most of the pizza/picky eating stuff IS small and it happens, and is it only now that you noticed it? Well then it's good you are getting to know your girls more. Discover them.

Your apartment may be temporary. So what Kevin? My HOUSE might be. I mean come on, is this something worth saying at all, let alone so soon after moving in? You chose the place and now you are AGAIN second guessing your choices. You need to stop that pattern in you and your self doubts. Besides so what if you might have made a better choice? Could I have chosen a better apartment to rent in Venice? Probably. Could I have gotten better seats on the plane, oh yeah for sure....and???? SO WHAT??? You would not feel "at home" in ANY apartment now. Don't keep vacillating and second guessing yourself. It's such a waste when you have "real" stuff to deal with this week. And it's weak. And you are pulling out all the stops now to get ALL the strength you have inside for your regular life PLUS a few stressors this week so for your sake and your kids, keep it together and stop worrying about the vague "I'm still not totally comfortable/feeling at home" kind of rambling. Negative, and useless AND coming to you at a bad time. BE HERE NOW FULLY PRESENT for the big stuff Kevin.

You can totally live with this choice, and make the best of it, or use your brain cells worrying about it some more...OR make it nice! IT IS IN YOUR CONTROL TO DO SO... I think if you spend half the time DOING things in your life, that you spend on worrying and second guessing, you'd accomplish a great deal AND you'd be a lot happier. But it's up to you. How you live your life and with what attitude is ALL up to you... no one else is responsible for you being happy OR strong...Lean on the Big Guy and find him in YOU.

God will give you what you need if you ask and take what He gives...accept it. Don't resist. Get the books that have been recommended...have you checked them out in the library or gone to a bookstore yet? IF NOT, WHY NOT? A ton of books have been recommended to you...if you have not gotten any of them THAT would be an example of resisting help offered to you. No one can rescue you Kev, we are trying to help YOU Live your life well. But we cannot do it for you. NO one else here can and we are all in the same boat in that regard. You found out about all this "crap" a LOT SOONER than most of the spouses here. Do you realize that? You are so far ahead of most of us here...only 34, wow! You have so much living to do and you are YOUNG!!
Anyhow...don't SVON on me cuz it's going to drain me...And hey, you didn't clarify the "NUTS" comment that was "off"...hope you got my point.

I have to go now. Will check in sometime. Take care and keep doing what works and do Not backslide...
Just keep doing the changes in yourself. As the Sheryl Crow song says, "Change will do you good."


(( j ))

[K4D]

Ok, I went and got some meds tonite. The doctor recommended a C to me.

I took the girls with me back to Walmart supercenter to fill my prescription. Guess who was in the medicine section when we showed up there. Yup. W. I couldn't believe it. I don't think she could either. Well, anyways, we walked around and shopped together and got D7 a bike that fits her. W started telling me all about this 55 year old guy she hangs out with who is married, runs his own business, and got W and kids bikes. He said he wanted to pay for D7's bike since the one he got was to big for her. I told W no. We will pay for it. Thank you anyways. She agreed.

We had a good time walking around chatting about foods and things and her health. She is diabetic and got some food poisoning and hasn't been feeling very well. I told her I was disapointed with myself. I was at 195. Now I am at 196. I couldn't believe it. She told me to get over myself because she gained 10 pounds from eating carbs because she hasn't been able to handle meats lately.

She asked what I went to the doctor for. I said I just needed to have something checked on me. She said an infection. I said sort of and left it at that.

She ended up bringing the kids back to my apartment with her while I stayed and waited for my medicine to get filled. The pharmacy was running behind tonite. I got back finally and borrowed a couple of decaf tea bags from her to see how they tasted. Not bad.

She is gone now and me and D7 are going to go to the pool. All in all things are really getting on a friendly level with W. Thats the best I can hope for at this point. I don't want to be her friend only obviously, but that is a good starting point and she knows where I stand so maybe that is even better that she is friendly with me when she knows what I want.

Ok, catcha laters. I got swimming to do.

Kevin

[K4D]

Would it ever be appropriate to invite W over for a family game night with me and the kids? My guess is probably not anytime soon, but I though I would get an opinion on the issue. I could make a dip and chips and us play dominos or something like that for the evening.

Is that to much pressure to soon? Is that pursuing?

Tomorrow night we will both be at D11's awards ceremony. Maybe it is to soon. She hasn't invited me to anything yet. I guess I am thinking it would be a fun way for all of us to spend a few hours together.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Would it ever be appropriate to invite W over for a family game night with me and the kids? My guess is probably not anytime soon, but I though I would get an opinion on the issue. I could make a dip and chips and us play dominos or something like that for the evening.

Is that to much pressure to soon? Is that pursuing?

I AM BAFFLED & SPEECHLESS THAT YOU HAVE TO ASK US THIS QUESTION...OF COURSE IT IS TOO SOON...OMG!! YOU MAY GET SERVED DIVORCE PAPERS THIS WEEK KEVIN, DID YOU FORGET THAT? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD???


Tomorrow night we will both be at D11's awards ceremony. Maybe it is to soon. She hasn't invited me to anything yet. I guess I am thinking it would be a fun way for all of us to spend a few hours together. WELL YOU ARE PRESSURING AND PURSUING JUST AS SHE BEGAN TO RELAX A BIT AROUND YOU SO IF YOU BLOW THIS NOW, CONSIDER HER "FORCED" TO BE UNKIND TO YOU B/C YOU CANNOT HANDLE COURTESY OR ANY WARMTH FROM HER WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS...YOUR TIMELINE IS THE TIME LINE OF A LITTLE BOY and that is a HUGE problem for you. Did you get meds today b/c you are having so much trouble coping without her? YES...Are you finally going to see a c b/c you are not snapping out of a major depressive episode and excessive neediness? YES....so now that you are scraping by in your life and holding onto a temporary job and signed a lease and finally seem to be getting back on your feet and your stbxw throws you some scraps of decency. you want to erase all that and again second guess yourself to UNDO all that you have done and prove yourself just as needy and clingy as ever AND THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED NOTHING AT ALL FROM THIS EXPERIENCE EXCEPT THAT YOU OFFER HER NOTHING B/C YOU CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT HER...AND ALL THIS "STUFF" ABOUT CHANGE IS IN FACT JUST TACTICS ON YOUR PART....OMG...
DID YOU JUST READ YOUR OWN WORDS ABOUT "GUESSING IT'S TOO SOON" AND THE NEXT PARAGRAPH YOU WANT TO INVITE HER THIS WEEK?????

WTH?? WTH?? WTH?? SURE, GO AHEAD AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL AGAIN IN CASE SHE FORGOT, AND TELL HER HOW MUCH YOU NEED HER AND HOW YOU WANT HER AND CAN'T BE HAPPY WITHOUT HER AND ALL THAT B/C IT WORKED SO SO WELL BEFORE AND BECAUSE IT IS SOOO ATTRACTIVE BUT I BET DOING THE VERY SAME THING THAT FAILED YOU SO BADLY ALL THE OTHER TIMES--..I'M SURE IT WILL WORK GREAT NOW...[color:#990000] [color:#000099]EXCEPT THAT THE ONE AND ONLY TIME SHE HAS TREATED YOU DECENTLY --YOU WANT TO REVERSE YOURSELF AGAIN AND GO BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW DOES NOT WORK?? WTH?? OMG...unbelievable...please see the C asap and give the meds time before you act on any of these horrible moves...I'm SO BUMMED![/color]
WTH??? [/color]

Kevin

[The Wifey]

Hey Kev,

Look, let things roll a little. Hold off on the family game night until you get a hold of your emotions. I am not going to give you a 2x4, just a gentle reminder.

You have a long way to go yet. Be kind to yourself. And sitting and reading is a good way to pass the time. For me, I try to go and do something every day and be in the moment. I like to read, fish, camp, and lots more.

Try to distance your brain. Be calm, cool, calculating. Plan ahead for your interactions. When she does come around, don't watch her every move or try to nuance the tone of her voice, how she stands, or where. Focus on your D7, not her.

Try to even out the roller coaster a little. For you. For your D7. Easy does it.

[K4D]

I figured it was. Guess I was thinking to hopeful. I can't be running through progress to quickly. I have to remember baby steps.

She is just nice and not nasty right now and I have to keep that in mind.

Yes I did read reviews on blue likw jazz and I am going to check it out. Right now I am going through a book called facing your giants.

I started taking the meds. Last night I took a xanax and didn't realize how strong it was. It knocked me out. D7 woke me up at midnight on the coucb to tell me to go to bed. Guess I will have to be more careful when I take that. Its the sjorter term smaller stronger dosage.

The doctor also put me on a long term med that takes a bit to kick in.

Its Tuesday. A day closer to Thursday morning. I hope the D gets dismissed.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Kevin,
Even IF it gets dismissed, then don't you think you ought to continue doing what you are doing that works and NOT REVERT? If it does go through, you still should stay the course, and HAVE TO anyhow, for a 100 reasons already given...

Re-read that incredibly long post that discusses how the REAL TEST of your changes will come if you do get divorced. That's the PROOF of whether these changes are real, or whether they were ALL tactical just to get her back (and IF the changes are only tactics, and IF you DID reconcile, you would then be in THIS EXACT position again in a few months, with even less of a chance for TRUE reconciliation)... Please re-read some of that b/c I cannot keep that up, if you know what I mean. It has to do some lasting good for you for it to be worth the time on my end. Plus now that you'll be gettting some counseling maybe you'll see how some of your thought patterns do not help your situation at all. They really don't.

When does your c begin?
j-

[ppenton]

Kev, you can break the xanax in half (that's what I do when I take one) then it may not knock you out as much. Keep moving forward and read really read what 25 and others have been posting they are giving you great advice.

[volleydog]

Kev glad you went to Dr...Be VERY careful with the xanax it is very addictive, just FYI.

[Ready2Change]

Hey Kevin,

Just remember "What you resist, persists"

Keep working on you. W will see the real changes. No matter what happens, you will be OK and a stronger person.

One day at a time brother!