Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Just thought I would share an example of bad DB'ing with everyone(slaps self on wrist - bad - no pursuing ) - here is an email I sent to the W after our last phone conversation
Names edited for a little bit of privacy

Not a minute in the day goes by where I don't think and pray about having you and S3 come home - nothing would bring me greater joy - but more important to me is that you and S3 are happy - I could not enjoy it if I knew that either of the two of you were unhappy. That is all that I want in life - to make the two of you happy. If I could do everything over again, i would do a lot of things different, (i said over - not change) especially the way I acted and treated you.(kinda like a mulligan in golf)

Unfortunately it took me this really horrible event to realize everything about life, and myself. I know that you say people can't change, well people can change, they have be motivated, have a a circumstance, and want something enough to bring about that change. And the change is not something that happens over night, its something that takes time, and will always require effort to continue the change. I wish I had understood more the first time you left, but I didn't, I was dumb and blind. This time around everything is clear to me - I know what I want in life, and I don't think i was ever sure of it before - I think I was just going day by day trying to get by.

I know that that I can't change the past. What I have to change is the meaning of the past. - all the mistakes and wrong turns that I made - It's everything that follows bad times that determine the meaning of those times, it's my future that determines my past, which if I don't change now, then all of this happening would be for no reason at all.
Sounds a little crazy right? I might be just that it hasn't been proven yet(but the same was said about Einstein). But I've come to the conclusion that I control my future, I determine the meaning of my past - and I'm trying to make it have some great meaning.

And the response that I got back from her :

When I left the first time that was your opportunity to fix things and keep us together. That was your second chance and you only get one “second chance”. And I voiced numerous times that we did not have a normal healthy relationship. Life should not be as hard and miserable as we were living it. And my main concern is S3. I could not and would not allow him to see his father behaving like he was towards his mother. He would most likely grow up thinking its acceptable to call women names and talk down to them. And he would also end up resenting you. I do believe people can change and I do understand it is a constant effort. But I hope you can understand that analogy I made with the plant. Once a plant dies it cannot come back to life. In order for a plant to survive it needs nurturing. All I ever needed from you was support and respect. I never felt like we were a team. I always felt like it was a struggle and everything was a battle. It’s the way I felt for a long time and yes at some times I too felt like I was going day by day trying to get by.

With every major event that happened while we were together, I hoped and prayed that maybe that change would be the one. Let me explain. I thought when we got married things would get better because you would be away from your dad who you fought with a lot. I thought we would have our own privacy and things would get better. But they didn’t. And then we got a house and I thought okay maybe he wasn’t so happy because my mothers house wasn’t our and now we can be settled. And then you were a little better but you hated Job XYZ, so I found you that job at XYZ2. And I was so happy and proud and wanted to share it with everyone and you got so mad at me…do you remember that? So you got that job, you didn’t like the hours, neither did I but the income was much better. Then I got pregnant and all you cared about was that damn game. Through the whole pregnancy, no sex, nothing for 9 months. Then we had S3. And I thought okay this has to be it. He will want to be a great father to this little boy. And you kept playing that game, missed out on pretty much his whole first year. And I was so frustrated that I left. But I told you I didn’t want it to be over. And you quit the game and we started therapy. And things did get better, for a while. But I remember going on that cruise and having a miserable time because you were unhappy. You couldn’t even poor me a glass of wine, you said it was the waiters job. Little things like that stick in my head. And you know its soo funny how you put that happy picture of us on the ferry on our way home from park online. That picture was taken before S3 peed all over you, which of course was my fault because I didn’t make him go before we left. I tried to make him go while you were out sitting finishing up your drink and bullshitting, I was inside trying to persuade a two year old to pee really fast because we had a boat to run and catch. I wish I had a picture or a video of your face and how angry you were that he had an accident on your lap. Seriously H things have not been good for a long time. But something just snapped in January. I realized that life is too short to be unhappy.

I would get up every morning, making sure your clothes were ironed and ready for you. I got S3 ready and out the door everyday. I came home every night and attempted to make dinner. I played with S3 just about every night. I would be downstairs dancing around or playing with play-doh and you’d either be upstairs on the computer or planted in front of the tv. And I’d give him a bath and read him a book. Do you remember me doing all that? I was so exhausted H. And after he went to bed I’d go down and clean up and finish up the laundry that I started at 6 in the morning. And you’d be showered and in bed already. I know this story is probably being told my a lot of other moms across the country. “I’m not appreciated, I don’t have any time to myself.” But honestly that wasn’t the whole issue. I would have done it for the rest of my life if you had been nicer. But you were so mean to me, I was trying my hardest and you still managed to put me down and hurt me. Every bad thing that happened was my fault somehow. And I was a moron and a xxxxx and xxxxx. Those words crushed my spirit and killed me inside. You think I’m just going to move on with my life, find someone new and have this wonderful life. You’re wrong H. I am so afraid of being hurt, I am so afraid of having someone around S3, that I am not interested in meeting anyone. I have put up a wall and I am very cautious and skeptical about everyone. And its sad that this is how things are, but this is the way it is and we can’t turn back time, just move forward and heal ourselves and keep that beautiful little boy of our happy because he is all that matters.

And yes I have seen and spoken to her since the email - she asked me to drop off her bike at her mother's. So I did - she thanked me and went on to then say do you know how lucky you are that you have things to do when S3 is not with you - like mountain biking, cutting the lawn, cleaning the house. She then said that she has nothing - nothing to do - no place to go to be alone - no privacy. I was left speechless - a lot of what I do in my spare time is upkeep and maintenance on the house - yes I do try and take a couple hours a day for myself to bike ride now - but i have to work my butt off to make that time now. And again I get the riot act - do you know how many times I would lie awake at night and worry about you, the way you eat and don't exercise, and now you are eating healthy and exercising.

All I could do was try to ignore her(I felt like she was testing me for a confrontation), I just tried to keep my focus on S3, to avoid any conflict or having to give any reason behind what motivates me. Told her to enjoy her dinner, gave S3 a kiss, and said that I had to go and get a few things done.

Seriously, if she doesn't understand that desire to be a better person are whats driving me - I don't know if she ever will.


Well that was interesting - the W just called while I was finishing up this post. She asked if I could come by tomorrow and look at something on her bike and make sure that its ok. Told her I would but it would be later in evening - while i was on my bike ride. She said that would be fine, and then continued to talk about S3 and her job for a little while. But anyway for me its time to go and sleep - my body is still sore and looking to rest of hard trail riding yesterday.

Goodnight to all - and thank you to everyone so far with their advice - I will post more as events unfold.