What would the steps moving in one direction look like to you and her? More talking? Dinners? Emails? Attitude adjustment? Are you looking at too large a picture? One doesn't just decide to work on the M or go to counseling without some reasons and ideas of what will be worked on MC will ask you the same questions.
When I set goals for the M they were a lot like this: NO drinking, NO arguing, No R talK, Friendly convo, Laughing, having fun activity, respect shown, more listening and less self talking, and so on. Each time we had an encounter I checked off what happened and that way I got to be objective. Early on, things were going positive for three weeks and then they went south. I was sorely dissappointed until I looked at my goals and the checks and saw that this was one night out of three weeks. Put a perspective on the night.
I also recorded firsts - first weekend without conflict, first time he showed interest in my kids, first time he went for counseling, meetings, and church etc.
I know you have been at this for a long time that is why I suggested starting with what were your goals in the beginning? How have they changed? What makes sense now?
Do you want to spend more time together? Date? Talk more? ML? Break the process down into smaller steps.See if this helps.
